When Can I Get Married?

COVER STORY When Can I Get Married?

BY PASHMINA RASHAD

Most Muslims have grown up hearing the dictum that marriage completes half of their faith. Yes, this institution is the only legitimate path to becoming parents, and Islam teaches that it will protect people from sin. Many Muslims reach young adulthood and start feeling the weight of cultural expectations regarding marriage, whereas others may feel the internal pull of wanting a partner to meet emotional, logistical and sexual needs in a way that is allowed by and pleasing to God.

What many future spouses don’t know, however, is that very real steps need to be taken before considering marriage or finding that perfect mate. Being ready is about much more than just being old enough and having the financial means. Well before we can sign up for “match made in Jannah (Heaven),” we must understand the Quranic model for marriage, intentionally cultivate the building blocks of a healthy partnership and ensure that there are no valid reasons to delay getting married.

As with all other aspects of life, the Quran provides humanity with a blueprint not only for what a healthy marriage entails, but also for who we need to be to build it. When speaking about finding a partner, most of us think about the qualities we want in a potential spouse. Very few of us, however, consider whether we have cultivated in ourselves the habits and attributes needed to fulfill our core responsibilities of marriage as prescribed by Islam.

In their guide for couples, “Before You Tie the Knot: A Guide for Couples” (2014), Salma Abugideiri and Imam Mohamed Hag Magid outline the core Quranic values that serve as the cornerstones of marriage: equality, love, mercy and mutual tranquility. They wisely suggest that each partner must take

charge of his/her spiritual growth in order to create a family that rests on the foundation of these four cornerstones.

Ultimately, the purpose of marriage is mutuality — mutual love, mutual comfort and mutual mercy — all of which lead to mutual sakeena (tranquility). Before trying to find someone who can provide all of this for us, we must be sure that we can provide all this for our future spouse. moving? What balance of financial responsibility are we expecting, and how might we want it to shift with the arrival of children? What is our general approach to money and expectations about raising children? What is our understanding of gender roles, and how flexible is that worldview? What role is our existing social system (family and friends) likely to play in our married lives….?

These are just some practical questions

MARRIAGE IS A PROTECTIVE INSTITUTION THAT PROVIDES SECURITY, LOVE, COMFORT AND THE POSSIBLE JOY OF PARENTHOOD. BUT ITS BIGGEST ROLE IS SERVING AS A SHIELD AND CONDUIT FOR OUR FAITH.

There are many paths to becoming a good spouse, and simply being a nice person isn’t enough. Intentional self-reflection to understand our own fears, insecurities and points of pain is necessary to prepare ourselves for marriage. If we don’t understand our own “baggage,” we are likely to foist it upon our future spouse, who carries his/ her own. Both individuals must be aware of their own context so that they can hope to understand why they respond to life as they do. In addition, we must take the time to learn how to understand the context of others. Do we know how to listen actively? Can we see another person as a product of his/her environment and offer empathy? Most of us hope to get this type of understanding and compassion from our partner. But do we hold ourselves accountable for providing the same to others?

All of this, of course, connects back to the Quranic model for a mutually comforting and loving marriage. While getting married is certainly a sunna, learning about the self and pursuing the level of emotional maturity needed to participate in a healthy partnership should begin before we pursue marriage and continue throughout.

Single Muslims should think about what the practical building blocks of a healthy marriage looks like to them. Before we can negotiate the outlines of our future with another person, we need to have some sense of what we expect for ourselves. Do we envision living near family or are we open to that Muslims getting ready to pursue marriage should be able to answer for themselves so that they can engage in meaningful discussions with a prospective spouse. For men, it is important to be honest with themselves about whether they can fulfill the financial obligations that God places on them, among them providing an appropriate mehr (see Islamic Horizons, Sept./Oct. 2021). Imam Magid suggests setting mehr at 10% of the groom’s annual income.

Reflection, accountability and emotional reciprocity are important aspects of the self-rooted in the Quranic advice on how to become a good spouse. In the same vein, our reasons for wanting to get married must be explicitly understood as rooted in the Prophetic tradition and the Quranic directives. Many Muslim cultures treat marriage as a social steppingstone, whereas Islam characterizes this institution as a foundational block of society.

In other words, using it to attain social prestige or out of fear of social judgment are not good reasons to get married. The effort to meet societal expectations will last only until the wedding day, after which everyone else will go back to their own lives and the couple is left to navigate a marriage they may not be ready for.

Another commonly practiced motivator for getting married is the consideration that doing so protects us from extramarital sins. The only Islamically appropriate way to satisfy sexual needs is through marriage. However, sexual attraction alone doesn’t support a long and healthy marriage.

Maintaining chastity, the desire for intimacy and companionship, a search for stability and wanting children are all valid reasons to pursue marriage. However, within each of these healthy incentives resides a potential for misguided ones. For example, a yearning for stability can sometimes be a symptom of a traumatic history. Getting married to run away from trauma does little more than introduce a subversive force that may harm the marriage without either partner understanding what is happening. Other issues that may indicate one should delay looking for a spouse are financial troubles or excessive debt.

Marriage is a protective institution that provides security, love, comfort and the possible joy of parenthood. But its biggest role is serving as a shield and conduit for our faith. The first and most important consideration of choosing a spouse is ensure that he/she will not hinder our commitment to Islam. If we have the choice of marrying someone who is likely to pull us away from Islam or stay single, protecting our faith and God’s pleasure must rise above all else. Likewise, it is imperative that we clearly define our relationship with our faith so that we can honestly communicate its role in our lives to our prospective spouse. One of the most unfair things we can do to our potential partner is to misrepresent our level of religiousness or our faith practice. Of course, we want to put our best foot forward to a potential partner or even, when talking about our idealized self, to present the kind of Muslim we want to be rather than where we are in the present. Not being honest in this regard is a disservice to any future relationship.

In addition, we must recognize that marrying someone in the hope that he/she will “fix” our faith or vice versa is likely to set up your relationship for many complications. Therefore, make sure to prepare yourself for being married so that each spouse’s spiritual, emotional and sexual needs can be met in a way that pleases God. Doing the internal work needed to become a good spouse helps us build tranquil marriages. But more importantly, it helps us fulfill the Quranic and prophetic directives that will help us attain jannah.

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Pashmina Rashad, a licensed mental health counselor, is director, Sukoon Therapy (http://www.sukoontherapy.com), Poughkeepsie, N.Y., which offers individual counseling, premarital counseling, marriage counseling and family therapy.