Inclusive Communities

BY MARA SCHICHWARG

My name is Mara. I was born in Argentina and came to the U.S. in 2010 with my husband and my 5-year-old son. We moved to Issaquah, and after being here for eight months, my son started kindergarten. It was a huge cultural and language challenge for him. I also had trouble understanding the educational system, and I struggled adapting to the country. But above all, I was a first-time mom, learning new things every day.

With this article, I want to share an experience that made me grow as a person and helped me be a better caregiver for my family.

When my son started school, he used to come home every day with a different story about a child in his class: “X hit me.” “X spat on me.” “X got mad at the teacher today.” “X threw all the pencil.” As a mother, I got worried and was getting tired of this child who was not being nice to my son. So, I told my son: “Well, forget about him, just ignore him! I do not want you to play with this child anymore!"

A few weeks later, I applied to volunteer in my son's class. And the very first day that I entered the classroom, I immediately knew who X was. This child was sitting with an assistant on the same bench, and she was trying to calm him down.

I felt like the world had fallen apart. I felt so ashamed of myself. And after that, I asked myself a thousand times how I could have been so inconsiderate. I wished I had asked a little more and tried to understand what was going on with this child instead of pointing fingers, judging him, or telling my son not to play with him. The child needed love, affection, understanding, empathy, and love! And above all, he needed not to be ignored!

I knew that my job as a mother was to educate my son and make him a good person. But I was clearly not doing this with how I was handling the situation. Then, I wondered, why had nobody told me about this? I would have liked to have known about this child’s condition. I understand now that there are privacy policies that the District must follow, and not all families choose to share.

That same afternoon when my son came back, the first thing I did was to tell him to please help X. I explained to my son that I was certain that X needed a friend. I remember my son's face of astonishment. Just a few weeks ago, I had told him the exact opposite. But he listened to me, and a great friendship began. I still treasure the valentine’s cards that X gave to my son. These messages filled my soul!

Years passed, and my son and his friend X were always together in the same class. I thought it was a coincidence, although I am unsure about this now. But at that time, I felt lucky because I wanted my son to learn to be with children who have other needs.

In 2012 my second son arrived. After two years, I noticed that he did not speak anything and did not look at my eyes. I was not a first-time mom, so I knew something was different. At the age of three, he was diagnosed with autism and was enrolled in a special education preschool that same year. In kindergarten, he was in a general education classroom that included neurotypical children, and that is where my nightmare began. It was painful to see the looks from his classmates when they lined up. While other kids were happy to see each other, nobody greeted or included my son. And yes, my son also hit, spit, cried, and screamed.

One day when I was leaving him at school, I saw a mother and her daughter with fear in their eyes because my son was standing in the line behind the girl. That same afternoon, I spoke with the principal. I asked her to please inform the classroom parents who my son was and the reason for his behavior. I knew that other students ignoring him or looking at him coldly would only cause more problems. He would try to draw attention, and surely it would not be in the best way. I thought about the positive impact that informing these parents could have and that they would talk to their children as I had done years ago.

Using a video for children with a very good explanation about autism, the teacher explained to the class how kids like my son have different needs. And shortly after that, the mom of the girl who was afraid of my son contacted me. She was interested in helping me! Of course, I will never forget her kindness.

And then I understood that I had found myself on the other side of the experience. I am a mom of a special needs child who is longing for her community to understand and teach their own children that we all have different needs. Now, each year when the school is creating the classes for the following year, I ask the school to please keep my son with the children I know have empathy for him. And I understand now that it was not luck that made my son always move to the next class with his friend year after year. And I feel so very proud of him.

Now my oldest son and his friend are 16 years old, and even though they go to different schools, they still frequently talk and see each other!

I know that thanks to my oldest son’s friend appearing in our lives, my son understood and immediately loved his brother for who he is. This is also part of education! It is inclusion! My oldest son received much more from his friend than he was able to offer with his friendship. Honestly, the experience was invaluable for my whole family.

It is so important to see beyond our problems and to wonder what other people may be going through. A simple word or demonstration of affection can drastically change that person's life. And we never know how those experiences are going to help us in the future. I invite you to talk to your kids about special needs in a matter-of-fact manner and let us all build inclusive communities one family at a time.