Developing Independent Decision Makers

Back in May, ParentWiser invited Julie Metzger, RN MN, to give our District families a talk about how to develop independent decision makers. Decision-making is a skill that needs to be developed and fine-tuned as we mature. Parents need to learn strategies to strengthen family communication and empower youth to make educated choices.

At the beginning of her speech, Julie asked a question: “At what age is considered an adult?” she explained the definition of Adolescence (cultural definition) and Puberty (biological definition).

Adolescence is the transition between childhood and adulthood that begins at the onset of puberty and ends when we assume the rights, roles, and responsibilities of adulthood. Adolescence is a cultural construct – it is the bridge where we learn the skills to become autonomous decision-makers.

Puberty is the biological transition between childhood and adulthood – when our bodies become the size, shape, and function reproductively as an adult.

Over time, our ideas have radically changed regarding the age when people are supposed to be making important decisions about their adult lives and when they actually achieve adulthood culturally and biologically.

Then, Julie asked another question: “At what age do people become a mature decision-maker?”

Julie pointed out that we need to first define a mature decisionmaker. The science of mature decision-making from Stanford Center for Adolescents gives us three ideas.

1. A mature decision-maker has the capacity to make a decision autonomously within the group.

2. A mature decision-maker has the perspective of time beyond this moment and others beyond themselves.

3. A mature decision-maker is someone who has impulse control that they could stop and pause before they act on every feeling.

However, our brains are wired from the beginning. The very last part of the brain that develops is the prefrontal cortex. This is the area that helps people put the data together to make a decision, and it gets fully developed in the mid-to-late-20s. Therefore, from the beginning, the brain is built to have these capacities: Seek Pleasure/Avoid Pain; Seek Approval/Avoid Disapproval; Seek Connection/Avoid Disconnection; Under stress to fight, flight, freeze, or faint.

To help develop a mature decision maker, parents need to understand that:

-Different people develop at different times.

-During adolescence, the brain has a higher excitement with risk-taking and a higher sensitivity to social status and rewards.

-The job of a brain between birth and 6th grade is to add neurons.

-The job of a brain between 6th grade and young adult is to prune away the smaller, less used neuron branches and build up and strengthen the branches and build up and strengthen the branches that are being used the most.

How to help your kids become excellent decision makers?

Practice: Responding to a challenge, overcoming an obstacle, seeking out resources, making autonomous decisions, failing, and succeeding.

Parenting Styles: According to their parenting style, some parents are attuned to their children’s emotions. They listen to their kids and support them as they work through obstacles and mistakes, but they also set clear boundaries and consistently follow them. Other parents earn the respect of their children by modeling healthy relationships and problem-solving strategies. They make plenty of room for autonomy and encourage independence.

Emotions: Check-in – What stories are told? What assumptions are made in our family about preteen and teen moodiness and mood swings? How does our family talk about sadness, anger, anxiety, and speaking up about a conflict? How should I deal with my feelings if I feel a zillion things at once?

Success and Failure: Check-in – How do we describe success and failure in our home? What is our risk tolerance for activities outside where we feel most confident?

Towards the end of her speech, Julie talked about having an Emotional Coaching Toolkit:

It is hard to come up with an Action Plan until your feelings have been acknowledged. Kids who can develop their own Action Plans are building skills. Remember, you are the Coach!

Strong decision-makers are pretty accurate at predicting the consequences of their actions.

In the end, Julie emphasized that parents need to give their kids the time to actually let them fall on their faces a few times and get practice at that along with making their own decisions. Some essential words parents can say to their kids while working with them on how to make a decision: “That’s rough.”; “Tell me more.”; “You’ve got this.”; “I’m here for you.”

To check out Julie Metzger’s full-length lecture, please go to ParentWiser (https://www.parentwiser.org/).

Julie Metzger, RN MN is a pediatric nurse, writer, and educator. She is the founder of Great Conversations and has written and presented health curriculums on decision-making and friendships throughout the Pacific NW and Bay Area. Julie’s work has been featured in the New York Times and on the TODAY show.