5 minute read
Middle School Matters
Middle school is a critical stage that parents can’t afford to ignore. These years of rapid change offer a low-stakes training ground to teach kids the key skills they’ll need to thrive. These include making good friend choices, negotiating conflict, regulating their own emotions, being their own advocates, and more. To answer parents’ most common questions and struggles, ParentWiser invited Phyllis Fagell LCPC to give our ISD families a speech regarding a student’s time in middle school.
Fagell started with the 12 skills that can be considered essential for middle schoolers to navigate the middle school years. She encouraged parents to learn these skills alongside the kids, providing a foundation for understanding and navigating the complexities of adolescence.
Super Flexibility: The ability to handle change and uncertainty is crucial during the phase of rapid physical and emotional changes, especially in a world filled with uncertainty
Super Belonging: Recognizing the importance of friendship for middle schoolers who are starting to pull away from their families. Despite developing social skills, they still seek a solidified sense of belonging.
Super Sight: Developing the ability to anticipate and make plans, considering how current actions may impact the future. This skill is particularly challenging during puberty when emotions are intense and life experience is limited.
Super Bounce: Embracing the idea that mistakes are fixable. Middle schoolers need to understand that they can recover from errors and possibly emerge stronger from the experience.
Super Agency: Cultivating a sense of empowerment, allowing middle schoolers to feel they can make a positive difference in their communities, schools, and the world.
Super Force Field: Establishing healthy boundaries, especially in a culture that often emphasizes kindness to everyone. Teaching kids to communicate their needs, even if it means stepping back from certain situations.
Super Security: Developing a healthy identity, recognizing that anything making them stand out can contribute to their uniqueness. This includes factors like family structure, socioeconomic status, or cultural differences.
Super Healing: Identifying emotions and employing appropriate coping strategies. This skill is crucial at an age when adolescents may struggle to understand their internal experiences and may hesitate to ask for help.
Super Vulnerability: Teaching kids when, how, and whom to ask for help. Encouraging openness about seeking assistance during challenging times.
Super Daring: Encouraging risk-taking, even when fear of embarrassment is prevalent. Acknowledging that taking risks is part of personal growth during adolescence.
Super Balance: Managing various aspects of life, such as schoolwork, social interactions, and personal time. Striving for balance in a world that bombards middle schoolers with social and academic expectations.
Super Optimism: Retaining hope and humor in the face of challenges. Encouraging a positive outlook even when things seem tough and fostering resilience.
Then, Fagell focused on talking about “Super Belonging,” which is crucial as it forms the foundation for a child’s ability to resolve conflicts, take risks, and feel accepted. A strong sense of belonging is foundational for children's overall well-being and development.
How to help kids manage friendships & social sensitivity?
Play the Maybe Game: Encourage kids to think flexibly about social situations. When faced with a negative scenario, have them come up with three alternative, more benign explanations.
Address Meanness, Bullying, or Emotional Discomfort: Distinguish between meanness, emotional discomfort, and true bullying. Meanness is a one-off comment or disagreement; emotional discomfort often involves awkward social situations. True bullying involves purpose, pattern, and power imbalances – 3Ps. For meanness and emotional discomfort, empower kids to handle the situation themselves; for bullying, consider adult intervention.
Don't Interview for Pain; Mind for Misery: Avoid immediately jumping to the worst-case scenario when discussing your child's day. Ask neutral questions about their day, allowing them to share positive or funny experiences. If they bring up negative situations, offer to listen or help without pressuring them.
Understanding and Managing Drama: Recognize that drama often arises from uncomfortable situations rather than intentional malice. Teach kids to differentiate between situations that genuinely hurt them and those that are merely uncomfortable. Encourage them to express their feelings without dwelling on negativity.
Define Friendships and Acquaintances: Help kids understand the difference between friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Clarify that not being invited to a party by someone they consider an acquaintance might not be as hurtful as they think. Emphasize the importance of building stronger connections if they desire closer friendships.
Challenge the Concept of "Best Friends": Discourage overreliance on the concept of a "best friend" in fifth and sixth grade. Having a single best friend can have both positive and negative aspects. While a close, deep friendship can provide emotional support and companionship, there are potential downsides to relying exclusively on one person for social connection. Being a "floater" who can interact with various people enhances social skills and emotional well-being.
These strategies aim to foster resilience, flexibility, and positive social skills in children, helping them navigate the complexities of friendships and social dynamics during the challenging middle school years.
There are additional ways Fagell mentioned that can also help middle schoolers manage friendships, focusing on aspects like understanding and addressing peer pressure, conflict resolution strategies, concrete social skills training, playdates, compliments as social connectors, diverse social networks for some kids, and social media literacy.
At the end of the lecture, Fagell shared her favorite communication lines to emphasize parents or caregivers communicating consistently with care:
“I’m guessing you did that because…”
“Do you think you were your best self?”
“I bet it felt awful when…”
“I also would be embarrassed if…”
“I wonder” or “I’ve noticed…”
“Would you like my help, or do you just want me to listen?”
To view the full length of Fagell’s lecture, please visit https://parentwiser.org. To know more about Phyllis Fagell, visit her website: www.phyllisfagell.com.
Phyllis Fagell, the author of “Middle School Matters,” is a licensed clinical professional counselor, certified professional school counselor, journalist, and a mom of three. She currently works full-time as a school counselor in Washington, D.C., and provides therapy to children, teens, and adults in her private practice. She is also a frequent contributor to several well-known publications, including the Washington Post.
