COMMUNITY CONNECTIONS
SURROUNDED BY REALITY
Ted Bryant: Sharing Vision with All of Us The Good News By M a rjor i e O l d s
By C h a r l ey G i t h l e r
rowing up in a small Pennsylvania walked home, I looked up at the big tree town, Edward Bryant IV, known as in the doctor’s front yard. ‘Mom, I can see “Ted,” could never see the home- all the leaves on the tree!’” work assignments on his classroom chalkTed’s father, a linesman for a utility board like the other kids. Routine eye exams company, advised Ted not to follow in for kids were not a his revered father’s priority yet for parfootsteps — “Work ents in the 1980s. with your head, not Although his mom your hands,” Ted said his eyes might recited. Although, just be tired after a as it turns out, Ted day in school, Ted has used both to suspected someenhance the wellthing else. He asked being of so many his mother to hold community memup cereal boxes bers since gaining from a room away, his training. and they observed After graduahe could not tell tion with honors Cap’n Crunch from from the UniverCheerios at a dissity of Pittsburgh’s Ted Bryant and his wife tance. accelerated pre-optometry Betsy (Photo: Provided) “Our local optometrist program in 1995 and the had his office in a converted Pennsylvania College of home; his super nice wife Optometry in 1999, Ted was his only employee,” Ted said. “He was explored and succeeded in a series of such an awesome guy with a great sense well-esteemed large ophthalmology of humor; I was never afraid of visits to clinics, large optometric groups in the him. He did neat tests on neat machines. continued on page 7 And then I put on my new glasses…As we
’m not going to list them, but I can’t remember a time when the sheer number of pieces of very solid evidence that the world is sliding into a black hole of heck was so overwhelming. I’ve invested in a set of horse blinders and some militarygrade earplugs, and instructed friends and family to refrain from talking about any public figure whose name rhymes with “flooten” or “stump,” but bad news has a way of penetrating. Is the picture so totally bleak? Maybe not. I’ve been asked, purely as a public service, to share some of the good things going on in our world. Here goes… Let’s start with an easy one: COVID, by proclamation, is over! Science to the rescue. Once studies showed that people were just really sick and tired of wearing masks, the pandemic could be deemed to have run its course and we could go back to the way things were in days of yore. 25 new cases a day in Tompkins County, cause for concern just a couple short months ago, is now the data supporting an all-clear declaration. Don’t ask questions. It’s good news. At this moment, there are seven people on the International Space Station: four Americans, a German and two Russians. Sealed in a confined space orbiting the earth at a speed of five miles a second. Reportedly, things have been getting a little tense when they cross Ukrainian air space every 90 minutes. The good news? You’re not up there. Good news: Opening Day of the major league baseball season is in three weeks. Wait...damn it! I’m not above a little self-medication in bleak times, and my car knows the way to Northside without me having to steer. The recent arrival of a couple of sticker stores where a taxpayer can receive, with every purchase, the gift of an edible dose of a substance that was legalized a year ago was balm to many souls. Been waiting a long time for that kind of retail experience. Not so fast, though — Acting Mayor Lewis issued a directive last week that the stores must cease their activities “or face the consequences.” Good news...to my dealer. This is a piece of personal good news: Tioga State Bank approved my loan appli-
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cation, so now I can fill my gas tank. The U.S. added 678,000 jobs in February and the unemployment rate dropped to 3.8%, which is pretty good news for everyone. Except President Biden. Somehow, he’s not entitled to good news. How’s this for good news: it’s surprisingly affordable to have certified British royalty lend seemliness and stature to special events. Prince Andrew, Duke of York, KG, GCVO, CD, Queen Elizabeth II’s younger son, is booking birthday parties, gender reveal parties, corporate retreats and pretty much any occasion that would benefit from a little extra class. I looked into it, and there are a lot of dates available, but check the rules first. He won’t wear animal costumes, no pies in the face, and the event can’t be within 500 feet of a middle or high school. Spring, when a young person’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love, is around the corner! Crocuses, robins, open windows, the Aurora Streatery. Plus, when Russian hackers shut down the power grid, the pipes won’t freeze! To answer an important current question, the Ithaca Times recently reached out to Cornell’s Computer Science department, our world-class local font of reliable, scalable numerical algorithms and data-intensive scientific computing. Using some pretty fancy computer modeling, they ran 100 simulations for us and determined that in 88 of those simulations, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez totally kicked Lauren Boebert’s ass using street fight rules. Good news for our billionaires: Sea levels are rising at the same time that a glut of pre-owned oligarch yachts available at discount prices is in the pipeline. Life is good! Bill Barr came out this week with a book about how he stood up to President Trump in his mind. The Cornstarch Review of Books calls it a “...profile in courage. Makes Volodomyr Zelenskyy look like a shameless coward.” Those of us who are older than 40 remember what the first Cold War felt like, so the good news is we can help with orientation activities.
