Signs of Abuse in Romantic Relationships

Unlike physical abuse that is so much more apparent mostly because of the scars it can leave behind, emotional abuse on the other hand is subtler and can be insidious often goes undetected by family members, friends and most often the victim themselves The underlying purpose of any form of abuse is to gain control and power over the victim So, this grooming process that usually begins at the start of the relationship portrays the abuser as caring and attentive This is one of the many manipulative forms of behavior modification used to dictate the victim on how to behave.

How does emotional abuse govern the relationship

Shaming

Shaming the victim is one of the powerful tools to gain power and control The abuser may highlight every small mistake, reinstate that they are better than you and make you feel ashamed of what they perceive are your inadequacies, so that they get you to do what they want you to do Shaming can be as subtle as commenting on certain body parts, passing remarks on the choice of clothes you wear, bringing up past relationships and shaming you for not being able to hold the relationship together etc

Criticism

An abuser is always testing their victim! Criticism and humiliation are vehicles to undermine the victims' self- esteem They might use condescending language on the pretext of making fun in front of others and try to smooth things over by claiming that they were ‘only joking’ or that ‘you’re being too sensitive ’ There is dismissal or minimisation of things that are important to the victim such as their interests and belittling their accomplishments

Gaslighting

Another important tactic to exert power and control over the victim These manipulation tactics consist of denying your reality, blaming you entirely for what happened for example; “if you behaved differently then I wouldn’t need to treat you this way” They may trivialize your feelings and completely discredit your emotions by calling you ‘unstable’

Isolation

An emotionally abusive person may become upset whenever you make plans with other people that do not include them An abuser who wants to isolate you from others has many ‘looks’- including never leaving you alone This is a way of establishing power

and dominance, eventually separating the victim from their loved ones, which makes relying on the abuser all the more necessary.

Signs You are Experiencing Emotional Abuse

• You feel invalidated Having witnessed the dismissal of your perception of reality and claims of being ‘too sensitive’ on a number of occasions it is but natural to feel invalidated Moreover, you start to question your feelings and emotions, thus paving the way for selfdoubt and self- judgment

• You feel put down

  There is this pit in your stomach that makes you feel bad about yourself for listening to those condescending remarks about your hopes and desires You begin to notice that you have started to engage/ tolerate thoughts or behaviors that are selfsabotaging and belittling

• You feel manipulated With the blame- game on, and the increasing selfdoubt and self- sabotage, you may begin to feel guilty for things that aren’t your fault Guilt translates into ‘you did something to upset me so now you have to fix it’

• You feel controlled Freedom is an important value and having the free will to make certain choices for ourselves is liberating Feeling pressured to constantly update the abuser about your whereabouts, because the consequences of not doing so could be mentally harrowing The cycle of self- blaming and guilt continues to compel you to adhere to the abusers demands.

Alongside these signs, you may also experience short- term difficulties such as confusion, fear, difficulty concentrating, decreasing confidence, nightmares, aches and hyper vigilance There are long term repercussions as well which can include anxiety, insomnia and social withdrawal.

How to seek support to deal with emotional abuse? Ensure to hold on to your support system

Most often, sharing about your situation can be difficult especially if the abuse has been going on for a while Try to reach out for help and seek support from your loved ones Gaining another person's perspective is helpful in times of self- doubt or judgment It might become apparent that what you’re experiencing is not normal in a relationship and need not be tolerated.

• Avoid self- blame

  While this is harder said than done; you don't deserve abuse no matter what, especially from the person who claims to care for you and loves you It’s important to understand that you cannot be held responsible for their actions and their abuse towards you

• Try not to engage

  If someone is abusive towards you, try to ensure your safety before anything else. Have an emergency contact saved on your phone or have a neighbor/ friend/ family member in close proximity.

  Once you’re aware that you are not responsible for their emotions and feelings- try not to soothe their feelings or make apologies for something you didn't do. Depending on the situation you could decide to walk away, limit or stop communication with them

• Set boundaries

  If you feel safe to do so, you can set clear boundaries with the emotionally abusive person. Make sure to use clear and concise language, and request support from a loved one when you are going to assert your boundary.

  It is helpful to use ‘I statements’ and the consequences of what might happen if the boundaries aren’t respected.

  If the abuser does not accept the boundaries, deflects or gets angry, this could be a sign to look at an exit plan

• Have an exit plan

  If the abuser has shown no intention of changing, even after you’ve set boundaries, you may have to safely leave the situation as there is a possibility of the abuse escalating. It’s important to have support from the people whom you trust. Having some distance from the abuser, will help you plan your next course of action for yourself and this relationship.

  All of the above suggestions might seem nerve wrecking and extremely difficult to endure all by yourself. Hence, it is important to understand that you don’t have to go through it all alone. All you have to do is recognise that what you’re going through is not okay and reach out for support

• Seek Professional Support

  It is important to remember that there is support available to help you deal with what you’re experiencing. When you seek support, it may give you the strength to stand up for yourself, make you

  feel secure as well as restore normalcy into your life and the lives of your loved ones.

Below are agencies that offer help for people who experience abuse. If you need to talk to someone you can reach out to:

1.SNEHA Contact No: +919167535765/ +919833052684 Email: crisis@snehamumbai.org

2. National Helpline for Counselling for Women in Distress: 181

3.Women Police Helplines: 1091 and 1291 4.National Commission for Women’s WhatsApp Helpline For Women Facing Violence: 7217735372

Disclaimer:

An isolated incident doesn’t necessarily qualify as emotional abuse (this is subjective to every situation), but a pattern of behaviour over time usually does. Emotional abuse can start gradually but then can escalate and lead to damaging consequences.

About the Author: Richelle Brito-Carvalho is Counselling Psychologist based in Mapusa. She is the founder of Wholistic Connect, an online counselling service. She also provides counselling services at Antarman, a psychosocial well-being centre, in Panjim She has done her M.Sc in Counselling Psychology from Roshni Nilaya, Mangalore.

If you are facing any psychological issues and wish to seek help, you may contact Richelle on: WhatsApp: 9767969405 Email: wholistic.connect@gmail.com Instagram: @wholistic.connect.counselling