Setting Boundaries with family.

Indian society is collectivistic and promotes interdependence. Here in India, families do not exist in isolation and hence it is vital to interpret certain behaviours that are governed from an individualistic standpoint, in the context of their social and cultural background. Most of the advice we see around on social media about setting and respecting boundaries is usually from a western societal point of you. If we are to look at setting boundaries in our Indian homes, it definitely requires a different kind of thinking and approach.

As there has been a history and tradition of living in joint families, which emphasises maintaining relationships with others while ignoring personal autonomy, space and privacy. In the Indian culture, families have always been considered to be highly relational, strong, stable, close, and resilient with a focus on family integrity, loyalty and unity. While families can be each other's support systems and safety nets; they can also be our biggest oppressors. Therefore, in order to set boundaries in a family in the Indian cultural context one is required to learn the language of setting boundaries that is not rigid and is definitely not a threat to the relationship in itself.

In a culture where a lot of importance is based upon ‘what people will think and say?’ It is ingrained in our systems to function as people pleasers. We also understand that not complying with certain family rules or ways of being can bring about a barrage of unsolicited opinions. People’s opinions matter and the constant pressure to uphold and maintain the honour of one’s family image keeps daunting us and keeps us distant from our individual wants and desires. Hence, in a society that expects you to ‘adjust’ or ‘be flexible,’ setting boundaries in a rigid westernised manner will only be received as an act of rebellion rather than an act of growth.

What does it mean to set boundaries with our family?

Setting boundaries in an Indian family feels like such a challenge because there is this fear of their reaction not only because physical abuse, again, is very much normalised. But what is most painful is the ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ that follows from standing up for ourselves, having opinions different from other other family members, or saying just a ‘NO’ to

something that you don’t feel like doing but being forced by parents to do so. This can again be related to having a say about your career, courtship, marriage, having children and other such important life choices. NO’ to something that you don’t feel like doing but being forced by parents to do so. This can again be related to having a say about your career, courtship, marriage, having children and other such important life choices.

If you’ve decided you need to set certain boundaries with your family, it is important you understand the ‘why’ of it. Reminding yourself that intergenerational trauma, social environment, class, gender, and caste all have an effect on how we are able to begin setting boundaries with our Indian family. Setting boundaries is healthy for any relationship and is definitely a method of protection necessary to sustain a relationship, shielding it from overbearing resentment.

5 Ways How to Start Setting Boundaries in an Indian Family

1. Reconnect with your body

How can you tell that you need a boundary in this particular area? The answer is through our bodies. Our bodies have a natural alarm system that goes off when something feels uncomfortable or too much. It’s helpful to listen to these signs. “Say, if you are being forced to perform in front of your relatives. Maybe you feel uncomfortable about performing. You can listen to your body and say, “ Ma, I don’t wish to perform for our relatives this time, maybe we could all play a game or hire an artist for the same” There is a fine line between being supportive and overstretching our abilities to receive the praise and social validation that comes at a very high cost.

2. Have options

Realistically speaking, setting rigid boundaries won’t work well for families that thrive on rules and routines laid out to them by society and culture. You may have plan A to present to an overbearing parent, but if that doesn’t work out, it won’t hurt to also have a Plan B which involves a change but not so drastic. Thinking of it more like a negotiation. There is a possibility that our parents do not respect our need for space and might say things that can make us feel guilty for wanting any privacy. Instead

can make us feel guilty for wanting any privacy. Instead of locking the door all day, maybe you can come to a middle ground where it can be locked without disturbance for 2 hours each day. In this way, you can get your privacy and at the same time, you’re also not dismissing them as a part of the household.

3. Reaching out to friends and family for support Sharing your thoughts with another relative or friends can also bring to light different perspectives on your concerns, perhaps better ways of communicating your needs that might have worked well for them. This confidante or a friend can be your support system when you’re trying to set boundaries.

4. Being firm with your decision whilst being compassionate

Setting boundaries can be a challenge, especially when you are so used to suppressing your needs under the carpet. It can for sure feel overwhelming and uncomfortable, but there is a sense of liberation and empowerment in the same as well. In this process, you have to find ways to be kind and safeguard yourself. Finding a time for you and your parents to talk about how their particular behaviour is affecting you is crucial and hence cannot be communicated with anger or frustration. Say, if your parents tend to visit you without prior heads-up often and that overwhelms you, approaching your discomfort when they’ve just arrived might do more harm than good. Letting them know that you like their company and would like them to visit but would prefer a heads-up prior to them making that plan to visit.

5. Give each other time to accept new boundaries Change in our lives is hard to accept, and the same may be true when we set out to move beyond societal constructs of being. Don’t be surprised or upset if your boundary is met with resistance in the first couple of trials. Setting boundaries as well as respecting them will take time. Therefore, it is imperative you keep reminding yourself that you are actively trying to change the normative’ and that takes a fair bit of courage!

It’s probable that the boundaries you build and convey to your family might not be respected as they might lack understanding given the generation

gap. It is but natural to feel infuriated to experience this hurdle, especially after making all the efforts to formulate and communicate the boundary, but in all honestly, these situations tend to benefit from a calmer demeanour.

If you struggle with setting a boundary or expressing your needs with your family, please reach out to a mental health professional to help you find ways that are specific for you and your family.

About the Author: Richelle Brito Carvalho is a Counselling Psychologist based in Mapusa. She is the founder of Wholistic Connect, an online counselling service. She also provides counselling services at Antarman, a psychosocial well-being centre, in Panjim She has done her M.Sc in Counselling Psychology from Roshni Nilaya, Mangalore.

If you are facing any psychological issues and wish to seek help, you may contact Richelle on:

WhatsApp: 9767969405

Email: wholistic.connect@gmail.com

Instagram: @wholistic.connect.counselling