“The Oakridge Herald, Page 5” | Emma Rasmussen | Poetry

The Oakridge Herald, Page 5

Emma Rasmussen

AD: MUST SEE: Ideal for a happy, happy family

• Mid-century colonial on a charming private drive • Four bedrooms, two and a half baths, beautiful backyard garden • Perfect under sink space for empty bottles and unfiltered Camels • Lack of family picture frames made up for by photo albums in spacious under-stair storage • Previous owners were afraid that nostalgia would release a sinister spirit • A liquor mart is two blocks down the road (please don’t drive there this time) • The guest bedroom is perfect as a mother-in-law suite; there is a slight draft, but do not worry • Just place one daughter in its walls and you’ll never hear of the issue again • Loud voices heard on property are assumed to be spirits turning up the TV • All electrical concerns have been inspected and the problem has since been fixed • All reported instances of screams were just hauntings and have been officially exorcized • Polished wood and great school district

___________________ DEAR ABBY: I recently moved out of my family home. Do you have any advice on growing up and moving on from a past life?

DEAR READER: You won’t have to think about moving on, even if the house is demolished. You will be infinitely tied to it, even if it’s torn down, even if the parts are repurposed and put in new houses and churches and schools even then you will never be able to leave it.

___________________ Oakridge – At 8:44 p.m. Tuesday, the sheriff’s office responded to a noise complaint at the corner of River Road and Thirteenth Avenue. Officers at the scene reported broken glass, the smell of cough syrup, and a sixth sense that if they got any closer, they would never be able to leave. The woman who answered the door told the officers that everything was just right. This ongoing issue will not be dealt with further.