Recent world events have left Americans wondering if we’re truly safe. Thousands of dangerous members of organizations worldwide have pledged to the flag. They’re supplied with violent weapons and aren’t afraid to use them on us. It is much more than a network or even a militia: it’s a nation. As a matter of national policy it is our constitutional duty to rid this group from our country. Many of our politicians have called for restrictions or outright bans on the refugees. However, more and more waves of them have been infiltrating our country, arranging housing and marrying our people. Of course, I’m talking about the greatest threat to America: Canadians. Their close proximity has enabled them to penetrate our country with hockey sticks and maple syrup. Their similar-sounding language has allowed them to hide under the blanket that is America. Where they can blend in as much as they want as long as they don’t start waving their Canadian flags. I recently had the opportunity to sit down with one to learn more about what’s on everyone’s mind-why? The contact will remain anonymous to preserve her identity. I learned of her association with Canada from a close contact and set up an interview. I had heard she was married to an “American”. Somehow, that made me feel more comfortable about the situation. For my safety, I was accompanied by several of my staff writers. We pulled up to the location of the meeting in a residential neighborhood outside the city of Rochester. It was a nice suburban house, that blended in easily with all the other houses on the street. As I walked up the driveway clad with leaves, I had a several questions running through my head. How would this woman act toward me? Would it be obvious she is a part of an “organization”? I wondered if she would give me enough information to work with to write this article. I nervously knocked on the door and within a few moments the door opened. She was a middle-aged woman dressed in a turquoise sweater and jeans. She smiled and I felt oddly comfortable with her. It might’ve been the mom jeans. Wafting through the air I could smell turkey sausage meatballs being made, as per her son’s request for an Americanized Italian meal when he returned home from College. I asked myself what she could possibly know about Italian food. Was she trying to throw me off the scent? I thanked her for taking the time to meet with me and we sat down and jumped right into the interview. IB: What’s the biggest difference between America and Canada that you’ve noticed? TP: Um…I’m nervous you’re recording me. Hmm... what is she hiding? To be honest, the liberalism. Canada is much more, um socialistic than the U.S. Um, maybe because of their medical system? At least in my experience they’re much more inclusive than Americans. Meaning they want everybody to be taken care of and there doesn’t seem to be the same Republican kind of agenda there is in the U.S. There’re no guns. I look at my watch, it’s only been one minute and already she’s brought up guns. IB: You came into the country and had to learn a completely different language. How difficult was that for you?
TP: I assimilated right away. Yea that was easy for me. Had she been taking language lessons as a radicalized youth? IB: How was the vetting process? TP: I don’t know because I was young. I wasn’t vetted but I didn’t become a citizen till I was 21 years old. I was what you call a “landed immigrant”. I don’t think there is such a thing but I let it pass. IB: When you’re waiting in line or in public, do people put themselves between you and their children? TP: No, usually not. Children flock to me. I’m a librarian. Why? Is she giving away free books? IB: Do you want to replace our beloved NFL football with curling or some kind of hunting game you guys play? TP: Actually curling would be great, eh? And there it was. I think curling is a wonderful sport that is much more inclusive than the NFL. Anybody can curl but not many people can play football. But our national sport is actually lacrosse. Lie. Everybody knows the national sport of Canada is drinking and making maple syrup. IB: Do you feel you’re racially profiled at the airport or grocery store? TP: Absolutely. I’m often told I am much too polite. I’m trying to wrap my head around this notion of being “too polite”. What an insidious way to worm inside the mind of an American. IB: Tell me about your church and religious affiliations…Were you radicalized in Canada? Or were you radicalized by a sect here in the US? TP: Actually in Canada, I was brought up Anglican which is kind of the American Episcopalian so I guess it could be considered radical. Oh, the answer I was looking for. She has blindly fallen right into my trap… IB: Why are there only Canadian authors in your library? Are you trying to indoctrinate your students through a Canadian lens? TP: There aren’t only Canadian authors in my library that’s a lie. That’s a total lie. I include everyone but I do support a Canadian author whenever possible because they need a little bit of backing. They don’t have the power behind them like the United States does. Why so defensive? Aren’t our minds what you’re after? IB: Is there a difference between our publishing process and Canadian’s? TP: I don’t know. I don’t think so but I think it’s harder for a Canadian to get a wider audience. Though, I don’t think Margaret Atwood has a problem. Of course you bring up Margaret Atwood. She oppressed women in Canada and now you want to bring her here and oppress our American women. IB: Do you ever not wear a flannel or hockey jersey and do the fundamentalist members of your sect criticize or ostracize you? TP: Actually it’s funny you bring that up because I don’t wear patriotic things with Canadian flags or Roots. I mean I’ve seen your dad wear a Roots shirt. How does she know my dad? How
does she know what he wears? Wait a second. When you’re in Canada they CONSTANTLY see Canadian flags or maple leafs everywhere. You cannot pass by a Canadian and not notice a maple leaf or some kind of Canadian emblem. They’re very, very patriotic. And I think it’s because they’re trying to push the Canadian thing forward because they’re always feeling the shadow of the United States. I don’t personally do that but I have noticed that. Trying to push your Canadian agenda onto the unsuspecting friendly, defenseless Americans. IB: When you were raising your kids did they learn Canadian English or American English? TP: I hope they learned Canadian English, and not with the Rochester accent. I want Canadian English to be spoken. Although we don’t say “soary”. We do say sorry. What’s so wrong with a Rochester accent? The joke is on her because there is no Rochester accent. IB: How do you recruit people without the government finding out? TP: It’s pretty subtle actually. I’ll say, “Hey did you know they’re Canadian?” Or, I make those Nanaimo bars and I serve those and that kind of brings people over to my side. She’s taking advantage of our addictions and obesity epidemic. IB: What are they? TP: You never had one of my Nanaimo bars? Oh god, I have to make them for you. IB: What’s in it? TP: It’s chocolate and coconut on the bottom and then a cream-cheesy thing and then a bitter chocolate on the top. Delicious and they’re named after Nanaimo, Canada. You can get them at the Little Theater. IB: Maybe the Little Theater has the Canadian agenda. TP: Yea they’re pretty liberal. Maybe the Little Theater is my next stop. We finished the interview and I made a polite exit. As I walked toward my car, filled with my staff writers I had several thoughts. She hid her accent too perfectly. She seemed to have the American thing down well, suspiciously well. In fact, she was the most American woman I had ever met and I know Americans! What she said about my father resonated and I couldn’t get it out of my head. Do I actually know my own father? Do I actually know myself? A cool chill swept over me and I stopped dead in my tracks. What exactly is “Canadian Bacon”? It’s not bacon, nor is it ham. And it’s round. Oh my god…