Twinspiration or The Posture of Motherhood – Tori Milner

TWINSPIRATION OR THE POSTURE OF MOTHERHOOD

BY TORI MILNER

Igave birth to twins last fall. Witnessing this first year,

I am struck by the fact that, among many things, yoga postures are a natural part of our human development. As I watch my son and daughter’s physical progress, I understand where the postures came from and see how they are inherent in our

evolution as human beings—starting in a Savasana-like,

inert state to rolling, twisting, sitting, popping up on all fours, rocking, crawling, leg extensions, pulling up to stand, squatting, free-standing, and any day now, I am sure to see them taking their first steps.

They inspire me as they literally make monumental strides every day. I feel as though I can see their brains creating new pathways and strengthening the ones that are already there. They are steady, focused practitioners, never tired of what they have to do to reach what they are aiming for, such as the stove control panel, the cat, or my wall ropes. They are little scientists, performing experiments over and over to see what will bring the desired results. They are artful performers, raising themselves up and lowering themselves down to all fours, moving like modern dancers as they build the confidence to stand on their own two feet. They are natural yogis. They are ever in the moment. They seem to experience the fullness of those moments through their physical form, honing their skills and abilities with each meaningful and purposeful movement.

When I first learned I was pregnant with twins and began to get regular ultrasounds, it became clear that they had different patterns, rhythms, and positions. I always just assumed that twins were “the same,” but right away I sensed that two very different beings were developing. I became aware of how dependent they both were on my body as their foundation for health and life and what a responsibility I had to keep my body a fit home for them until they were ready to come out into the world.

Being only five feet tall and having twins, I grew large very quickly—by the time I was nine weeks pregnant, I was already showing and needed new clothes. The way they were positioned inside put tremendous pressure on my diaphragm and, well, just about everywhere else. Almost immediately, my yoga practice began to change to accommodate my rapid weight gain, the change in my center of gravity, and my feet. Oh my poor feet! I was incredibly swollen by 11 weeks and had a condition called polyhydranimos, which meant each sac was holding more than average amounts of amniotic fluid. I had to bring support to almost every type of pose and slowly found

Tori Milner with Jack and Madelyn

that I had to let go of most of the physical postures altogether. In a twin pregnancy, it is like being eight weeks further along than a single pregnancy, so at five months, it looked and felt like I was ready to give birth, but I had a long way to go. The polyhydranimos also made me seem even further along, carrying so much extra fluid. Standing and seated poses with wall support such as Upavistha Konasana and Baddha Konasana became staples. All of the inversions (even Viparita Karani) put too much pressure on my diaphragm and left me feeling breathless. Lying on my back in any way (even supported) put too much pressure on my vena cava, so I eventually let all of that go for lying on my left side only and doing slow, soft breathing. The more the babies grew inside of me, the more immobilized I became. I stopped working at 26 weeks.

Although this may sound depressing, it wasn’t! In the 10 weeks at home before the twins were born, I experienced profound silence and peace within the stillness that was imposed upon me. I attribute that ability to remain stable within to the foundation of my yoga practice. My practice became more about a connection with myself and my breath and staying quiet and restful. I felt focused and relaxed as I prepared for their arrival.

The Gift of Patience As many women who have twins do, I had a caesarean birth. Recovery has been slow, and my ability to discern when I was ready to resume my physical practice—and how much and how rapidly—has been an important part of the journey back to strength and stability. But what is most remarkable to me has

Little by little, I revisit poses that I have known well for years. But they are different now, as am I.

been the gift of patience and my ability to accept that my life and body are very different now. I was struck in the beginning by how hunched over I became tending to the twins’ needs and how the posture of motherhood, of giving myself over to them, was quite a contrast to Tadasana, but how important and natural this shape was to nurture, guide, and protect them.

So it is no surprise that I started my asana practice after two and a half months with some supported supine poses to open my chest, seated poses to strengthen my pelvic floor, standing poses to strengthen my lower body, and inversions to quiet my mind. Backbends and twists are taking longer to come back because of a common pregnancy-related tearing in my abdominal muscles called diastasis recti. Little by little, I revisit poses that I have known well for years. But they are different now, as am I. It is like going back to a place I used to live with open fields, but now there are shopping centers, highways, and traffic lights, and it’s not so familiar. The old shortcuts don’t exist anymore! I have to learn new pathways, face new challenges, and respect my new limitations—not just physically but also in relation to the presence of two new joyful beings who demand most of my time and attention. So I know my asana practice will be short and to the point, or perhaps intermittent throughout the day. I also understand that this is temporary and is appropriate for this time in my life. The babies need me more than I need to practice a certain pose and so, in a sense, that has become part of my practice too. What posture do they need me to take? To hold them, feed them, comfort them, play with them, etc. Those are postures too!

It seems the babies and I are on parallel tracks. When they were only able to lie still on their backs, I could just about manage supported Savasana and some quiet, slow breathing. Now, the mastery they are gaining over their embodiment during this first year of life is truly an inspiration as I attempt to also master the new body that I have. As they grow stronger, so do I. As they gain confidence to try new things, I gain confidence to retry the things I once did without effort. My compassion for the weak, heavy, and frail has grown tremendously in my teaching. I have a firsthand understanding now. I feel so much gratitude that Iyengar Yoga is a foundation in our lives and in our household, and I am eager to share it with them when they are ready.

Tori Milner (Junior Intermediate III) lives in Brooklyn, NY with her partner, Sarah, and their twins, Jack and Madelyn. She teaches at the Iyengar Yoga Institutes of New York and Brooklyn.