ROAST ME SOFTLY
JACK LEON PRINCIPLES OF STYLE
Table of Contents: Bdelygmia Point of View Open Letter Advice Column
BDELYGMIA
ABSURD
Absurd
Wildly unreasonable, illogical, or inappropriate. Roast me
Bdelygmia A technique used in rhetoric to express hatred of a person, word or action through a series of criticisms.
Ted Cruz is a weird dude. In fact, he's “that guy”—you know the one—who will knock on your door, real slick like a businessman or some shit, and lies about needing to fix your sink. Then, right when you leave the room, the guy zips down his pants, pisses on your rug, unplugs ol’ grandma, and then flies away on a flaming white horse, screeching, with a tear in his eye, “You're welcome America!” You know, "that guy."
POINT OF VIEW VOICE EXERCISE
E S T . 1990s
Indie What's cooler than not
cool? CALIFORNIA, USA
Please roast me
Fucking Mainstreams Yah I'm edgy, I guess, I'm more indie than edgy, but whatever. Can I tell you a story man? Cool. So the other day I was smoking a cig and drinking my coffee black like always, and I heard some girls talking about their favorite bands. They were so mainstream that I … sorry my cig was out ... light another … so anyways they were so mainstream that they were talking about Coldplay and Maroon 5 and Greenday and I thought they were joking, like I was actually thinking “man, that’s so ironic, these girls might be cool in a totally ironic way” But no, they were serious. Fucking mainstreams. Then of course they asked me what bands I listen to, which is like, my favorite question to hate to be asked. I didn’t say that though, I just lit a cig, rolled my eyes, and told em a few of the cool local bands, you know… Hot Fang Palace, Beach Wolf, you know, the good ones: Gorilla Entry Hotel and Passive Fuck Galaxy, and of course the underground ones: the West Coast Monsoon Forest Project, My Pussy’s Tobacco Crystal, RTKTP4 and XXVVI. They had never heard of the bands, which you know, I expected since they were so mainstream. They even asked if they could come to a show. As if. I just rolled my eyes, stomped my cig on the ground, and muttered, “how ironic,” and then just walked away. They mus think I’m so underground, am I right? They must think I’m so edgy and mysterious. But anyways I gotta go get some more coffee, black, of course.
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY DRUNKEN FRIEND UPON THE THIRD AND FINAL MINUTE OF THIS TIGHT EMBRACE OF MY CORPOREAL VESSEL
The Land of Milk and Honey Awaits:
Dear intoxicated friend, If only all beings could be as loving and open as you, the world would know true peace. Wars need not be fought, famine need not bring peril, and the human condition need not deliver suffering—if only we could be like you. If only we could be as fucked. If only we could embrace our fellow brothers and sisters as you now embrace my open and receptive form! Never in my life have I experienced such a fountain of warmth and kindness from another being to the extent that your divine state currently blesses my existence. I can not get enough of this intimate embrace. Yes, I love you too, my drunk friend. Yes, oh yes, I promise that I love you forever and ever my drunk friend. If only I could be anywhere near as intoxicated as your most sacred state, then I would know the end of my torment and experience true bliss. This sacred embrace is still going, and by God, I hope it never ends. I could live here forever, holding up your limp body as a Holy Man offers the Eucharist up to the most high above... You sweet angel, was that a hiccup or are you going to vomit your blessed substance unto me? Oh sweet, sweet angel, only if I’m worthy, but oh please, let me be worthy! Do whatever you want to me, just never, ever let go! You fragile little creature, I’m now holding your entire weight. Let those heavy eyes close. Tonight, you bravely held the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you deserve this most hallowed slumber. The following goes out as a message to the entire world: Drink! Drink until you feel no more! Then and only then will you know God! Only then will you know peace! The path to righteousness has been laid down before you! So grab your whiskey, grab your wine, your vodka, gin, bourbon, scotch, sake, baileys, your brew and your rum! The kingdom of God awaits!
My advice to young girls dealing with teenage boys and their  psyches
Teenage boys are confusing creatures. They ask for your number, text you endless late-night hearts and smiley faces, then ignore you for a week and act like nothing ever happened. What the hell’s up with these guys? This question (and many others) may seem unanswerable, as though it’s “just what guys do”. Although analyzing boy-logic isn’t an exact science, as a guy who was very recently a teenage boy (and who understands too much about the teenage male psyche), I know that the questions driving you crazy are both valid and answerable. I hope to provide a quick run-down of why early relationships often become massive headaches. There’s a lot I could say about teenage boys, but fortunately, most relationship problems can be avoided by understanding one thing: Guys often confuse their physical desires with genuine emotional connection. This is so important, because a boy will say he likes you but only wants something physical or mostly physical. If you are the same way, please, enjoy your time together. But if you want something more than that, you need to make sure he is on the same page, before conflicting motives become disastrous.
Think about it: he feels something physical (literally a “pull” he feels toward you) and you feel something emotional. When you ask him if he “has feelings toward you,” what’s he gonna say? Well, he’s gonna say yes! The problem is the different types of feelings out there, and unfortunately, especially in High School, we rarely have the shared understanding or language to have these important conversations. So… what do you do? Well, for starters, it’s important to feel out why the boy wants to spend time with you, and why you want to spend time with him. Some guys really are in tune with their emotions and want to foster a genuine connection with you. So if you want a real emotional connection and want to avoid some half-committed, half-onenight-stand garbage monster of a relationship, you have to feel out his motives. Sometimes it’s obvious when a boy just wants you for your body, but lots of them (players) are good at hiding his true motives. To figure out his intentions, you have to be a detective of sorts. It’s up to you to examine the evidence, but as a recent teenage boy (I’m twenty now), I know the signs of a wannabe player:
If a boy wants only a physical, sexual relationship... 1. He will only text you late at night (looking for a hookup) 2. He will text you sporadically (called bread crumbing) 3. He will always ask you to “come over,” “hang out,” or “netflix and chill” (seriously, guys?) 4. He will never be interested in long, personal conversations (which are the keys to a real relationship) 5. He will always be texting someone else when you’re around him (not a sure-fire measure, I mean he could be texting his mom for all I know, but he’s probably texting some other girl that he wants to hook up with.)
On the other hand, if a boy wants a genuine emotional connection... 1. He will text you at all hours of the day (because he actually wants to talk to you!) 2. He will text you consistently (because he actually wants to maintain a relationship with you!) 3. He will want to hang out with you anywhere, anytime, for as long as possible—not only when your parents aren’t home (I mean come on guys, chill out! Drink some water, you thirsty baboons.) 4. He will seek out long, intimate conversations 5. He will put away his phone and actually be present with you (Have fun! Go outside together! Go on a walk, play a game, listen to music, make art, live!)
If you can recognize the signs of guys who want only sex, you can avoid them or tell them that you want something more, and maybe they will too— many guys are confused about what they want, and communication about your intentions is the golden key. Before you know it, you will have a real emotional relationship. Be warned: don’t try to fit a boy into the model man I described above—if they’re not at that level, you can’t force it, just let your intentions be heard (I want something more, I want a relationship, etc.) and if he can’t hang, say goodbye and live your life. Don’t waste your time on these boys. Pursue your passions, learn about the world, develop a talent, make art, music, writing. Be you first, and the right guy will naturally come into your life. When that time comes, you’ll know it’s real.