WHEN I FELL

SHE STOOD

By Allen McPherson Jnr.

I always wanted to be married. From the time I was old enough to understand that a man is supposed to be the head of his household, I wanted to be that for my future wife. I grew up in a world, my own little part of it at least, where men did not honour their wives. They did not honour their commitments. I KNEW that I would be different. I knew in my limited view of life that I would be the husband to put all other husbands to shame. It was my full intent to learn from the sins of most of the men I knew, and never repeat them. They were the standard of what I should never be. Or at least, I thought so.

In my mind, there was never anyone more equipped to handle adversity than me. Husbands would cheat on their wives, but never me. Never me. Never would I ever. Men would leave their homes for other women. They would disappear from their responsibilities. They would run away from each of their responsibilities. But, I would never. I could never. Until I did. Until the enemy came for my home, and I allowed my home to be corrupted.

I lived a new life in a world where God was a mystery, not a friend of mine. I told my new “friends” how happy I was, and how I am finally where I was supposed to be. I listened to all of the “happy” people around me who were so in awe of my strength for leaving my wife and choosing “happiness.” The devil will never come to you obviously, he will sneak into your mind and absolutely alter your reality without your understanding. This was no exception. I lived a “joyful” life away from my home with a new woman, new friends, and a new and very fresh hell on earth that I had absolutely no idea about. Ignorance is bliss, until it isn’t.

Even while in the middle of this hell I created for myself, I would always find unbelievable ways to justify every one of my actions. I would pray to God to save me if I was wrong, and if he didn’t bring me running home with 75 dozen roses and 5 apology letters, I would tell myself that I was supposed to be gone. I would pray daily. I would ask God to bless my new “relationship” because obviously HE wanted me here if he let something this devastating happen to my marriage. When the enemy comes for your soul, he does not just come in clear, concise ways. He comes to kill and destroy. Satan comes to corrupt the mind, not just with blunt impact, but with the subtleties of darkness that we are powerless against without God. I didn’t see it then. It was never real. I was never real with myself.

When I first heard that my Godsend of a wife, Christiana, was “Standing” for our marriage, I had no idea what that meant. I had no clue that it meant that she was interceding on my behalf and praying for the restoration of my soul FIRST, and then our marriage second. It never resonated with me that she had decided in her heart, with the relentless grace of our God, that she would remain in that state for as long as it took for the promises of our union to be restored and renewed. When I truly started to grasp the reality of her stance, when I stopped and focused my mind on what she was doing for not only our marriage, but for my soul, three very simple but very elusive words began to overcome my entire world: I Was Wrong. I was wrong. In every single way. Unequivocally. Inarguably. When you are living in a way where you know at the core of who you are that you are taking God and disregarding him, as well as taking your wife and disregarding her, there is absolutely no room for ever feeling any of it was right. For each of the husbands who want to truly begin a road to redemption, understanding the level of wrong we were is the beginning.

To be clear, of course redemption is the goal. We of course want to be appreciated for climbing out of the hole we were in. In a nutshell, we were tempted and overpowered by such evil that we took all we knew about being a good, strong, loving man, and bastardised it for our own selfish desires. But we were wrong. We stopped fighting. We. Were. Wrong. I. I. I was wrong.

My sisters in Christ, YOU are not the cause of your husband's sin. You are enough. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, as we are too, but you are the embodiment of what true Godly love looks like. You are standing when "I lived a new life in a world where God was a mystery, not a friend of mine."