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A Suicide More Complex Than a Slogan
Big City By SUSAN DOMINUS NOV. 5, 2010 N.Y. / REGION
In one of the last updates he posted on his Facebook page, Joseph Jefferson sounded like yet another young gay person succumbing to overwhelming social rejection, if not outright bullying.
“I could not bear the burden of living as a gay man of color in a world grown cold and hateful towards those of us who live and love differently than the so-called mainstream,” wrote Mr. Jefferson, 26, who killed himself last month. A few days later, the organization where he had once worked, Gay Men of African Descent, staged “A Protest to Stop Gay Bullying and Suicides” and posted a large black-and-white photograph of Mr. Jefferson on its Web site alongside the listing for the event.
Bullying and suicide — an awareness of how closely those two can be linked in the lives of gay people has never been stronger than of late. But the facts of Mr. Jefferson’s life fit no clean narrative of fragile disempowerment. He attended Harvey Milk High School, a haven for young people of all
kinds who might experience bullying elsewhere.
He went on to do outreach among young gay men, working to educate them about H.I.V. He developed close mentors everywhere he went: Two successful gay black men for whom he worked came to consider him a son, offering him help, their ear or money when he needed it.
The Facebook message, then, left many of Mr. Jefferson’s friends bewildered. “He didn’t speak about being oppressed,” said Symba Soler, 22, who briefly worked with Mr. Jefferson at Gay Men of African Descent. “Bullying has nothing to do with this, and that’s what I want the world to know. Joseph has never been bullied.”
Asked about Mr. Jefferson’s state of mind, several friends and relatives spoke of seemingly routine trials: a new relationship, a new job, bills piling up. There were setbacks that left the young man, a big dreamer who longed for the glamorous life, feeling humiliated: Having run out of money for a rental car on a recent trip to Florida, he and his boyfriend ended up walking nine long miles along a highway to get to the beach and then back.
“It was a fiasco,” said Tony Shelton, one of Mr. Jefferson’s mentors, who ended up wiring him money so he could come back to New York.
Joseph Jefferson committed suicide, blaming a world that he said hates gay men of color.
BUT most people do not commit suicide because of one painful trip, or a foundering relationship, although both can surely contribute. Experts say that two main risk factors for suicide are depression and a prior suicide attempt, both of which were in Mr. Jefferson’s past, although few of his friends or family knew of that earlier close call. (In 2008, he attempted an overdose with pills, according to Michael Roberson, a gay activist who considered Mr.
Jefferson his godson.) Mr. Jefferson was especially prone to bouts of depression in the fall, the time of year when his mother had unexpectedly died in 2001, a loss from which he never fully recovered, according to friends. Mr. Roberson said that for any gay black man, homophobia is “never not part of the conversation.”
“The message that we get from the black church is that we are an abomination,” Mr. Roberson said. “I know he felt that.” And that message, he believed, made Mr. Jefferson more vulnerable to a feeling of worthlessness. Mr. Jefferson’s stepmother, Renee Brown-Worrell, said that Mr. Jefferson’s father “never fully accepted that part” of his son’s life. Mr. Jefferson was an H.I.V. outreach worker who kept his own H.I.V.-positive status a secret from his own father and stepmother; a youth advocate who educated others about health services, but did not, so far as his loved ones know, avail himself of the services he needed when he suffered from depression.
Mr. Jefferson, like so many people, was a whole made up of contradictions: alternatively joyful and distraught; a man living in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, “who could look like a thug with his do-rag,” by one friend’s account, but who loved Beyoncé and Britney; someone who encouraged others to seek help but was too proud — or too closed off — to do so himself.
“You know that person in class who asks a question and everybody thinks it’s a
stupid question — but then nobody knows the answer? He was that guy,� Mr. Soler said. Why, exactly, did Mr. Jefferson decide to end his life? What was at the bottom of his sense of despair? What services might have reached him?
In death, as in life, he was complicated, and he left no clear answers.
E-mail: susan.dominus@nytimes.com A version of this article appears in print on November 6, 2010, on page A18 of the New York edition with the headline: A Suicide More Complex Than a Slogan. Order Reprints| Today's Paper|Subscribe
additional stories: http://www.chicagonow.com/lenox-and-the-second-city/2010/10/another-africanamerican-gay-male-commits-suicide/ http://www.autostraddle.com/joseph-jefferson-no-easy-answer-65984/ http://www.autostraddle.com/26-year-old-gay-youth-activist-joseph-jefferson-killshimself-64000/ http://projectqueer.org/post/1435559198/tragedy-as-young-gay-activist-committssuicide
Joseph was one of my GREATEST friends. Â He was my ONLY friend in a time when I felt just as sad as he did. Joe and I worked together on many projects throughout our career, he worked for
POCC and I worked for GMAD. Joe and I would trade stories about the dealings of our organizations and did as much as we could both within the agencies and outside to alert people to whats REALLY goin' on behind the scenes...
Most of the time, if it wasnt directed to a FUNDER our complaints were never addressed. Â These are not just simple employee/employer grips. These were FLAGRANT misappropriations the likes of which could equal WAR CRIMES. Whole communities were impacted by the actions of specific agencies ran by specific people. The most tragic of which it seems was that the "community" was somehow aware and apathetic to what was happening. I had spent sooo much energy fighting these monsters that I almost lost my own life/path/ and when MY world felt apart, it was on Joes floor I landed.
Joe and I would sit up for HOURS talking, and talking and talking, he show'd me BOXES of documents that hes been collecting. I knew he was telling the truth about his experience because I too kept records and they matched the data ive been compiling. Joe had records of his previous employees and what they were doing with government $$, how these non profit agencies were padding reports and numbers. This is much bigger than just another suicide. Joe was the victim of GAY Bullying @ its most severe. We both worked within an organization that was ran by one of the most SELF HATING Bullies ive ever met in
my life.Â
I spoke to Joe on a Friday, I was in the neighborhood and I was going to stop by to say hello. He had informed me that he's been sent home because of a "dresscode" violation @ GMAD but he was just leaving to go back to work. I told him id catch him during the wk and that was the last I spoke to him. Â It wasn't til Sunday morning that I got a call from a mutual friend and they told me joe was dead.
So many times these things happen and no one even questions it. No one looks or even connects the dots.
This wasn't just a simple suicide, joe WASNT some depressed EMO kid, nor did he indicate ANYTHING that he planned to just check out! Joe had PLANS/ DREAMS, he had a little sister he was living for... He just went to visit her, he had put up photos, he talked about his mother being that we BOTH lost our mothers and had similar life challenges we shared a few of them. Hell, JAMRELOADED FLUX was born right on Joes floor Oct 2009 and my own mission was conceived right then. Joe and I would speak often of how our work would revolutionize the Black Gay Community. He gave me something to fight for. Â He was my FRIEND!
I owe my life to Joe’s kindness and LOVE. I can not sit quiet knowing that Joe was driven to this by the very people we was so passionate to help. The truth is out there... I owe it to him to tell HIS side of the story... I AM FOX MULDER, these are the (-(-_(-_-)_-)-) ҳҲ ̸ ̸ ҳ ƒUX
lack ҳҲ ̸ ̸ ҳ Files
http://gaycitynews.com/tokes-osubu-resigns-as-gmad-leader-after-reports-offinancial-woes/
Dear Joe, I wish'd to hell I could turn back time (like the ◐SUPERMAN◑ u sometimes believed I could be... and sometimes was) to the last time we spoke and I would have gotten to you sooner. It hurts sometimes to know that we were so close, yet so far. You have been one of the greatest lights in this world and a GREAT FRIEND. Θ Its taken me a very long time for me to STOP driving by your house every time I leave to make a weed run or just need to get out and stretch my legs. .oO( I still keep u in my phone book though.. so if u get this message.. give a nigga a ring... )
I know how hard you fought and love'd and for that, YOU HAVE ALTERED THE COURSE OF SO MANY LIVES including mine. All the debates around the merits of our works within self 웃 and the community *l̡͌ ̡*̡ ̡ ı̴̡ ̴̡ ͡ |̡̡ ̲͡ ̲̲ ͡ ̲̲ ̲͡π̲̲ ̲͡ ̲͡ ̲̲ ̲|̡ ̡̡ ̡ ı̴̡ ̡.̴ We would talk til we pass'd out... Lately, our convos have been a lil one-sided with you doin' all the listenin'. What I wouldnt give to here one of ya cynical quips right about now. Something original ☹.oO( I keep playin' all the re-runs)
I have no idea what lies beyond this life Ω, but I do believe that your works have earn'd you a spot in the next life 〠...
Our friendship came @ a time when our roles could have easily been flip'd ↔ and its MY page u are leaving this note on. Hold a spot for me my friend, when MY time comes to pass on, I will be lookin' for you. Ill have soo much to tell you. (PS, put in a good word for me with UPPER ♰ management )
☯I LOVE YOU MAN AND WILL SEE YOU AGAIN MY FRIEND ☮ JAM!