MILENNIAL MATTERS

SHOULD DEALBREAKERS BE BROKEN?

It’s officially the spooky season. As such, it seems totally appropriate to chat about things that scare the hell out of me. I don’t know about you, but it’s not so much goblins and witches that have me tightening my deadbolt every night and hiding under the covers . . . it’s gay dating.

What’s more terrifying than Michael Myers, Ghostface and Freddy Krueger all combined? Trying to find a single, reasonable, monogamous man who’s not a piece of shit in Southern California. May God — or Britney, Madonna, Gaga — be with you.

Let’s be optimistic for a change, though. Say you do meet a decent guy, at a bar, online or however the hell people connect these days, and he’s not a total scrumbag. First, good on you; you just discovered Bigfoot. However, sooner or later, a C word (no, not my favorite C word, a different C word) is going to present itself: compromise.

We all have that list, don’t we? That “must have” list of what we want in a life partner. At a certain point, though, we have to face reality. We either have to determine what on that list is negotiable or risk being alone forever. I mean, what are the chances of finding someone with everything on the list? In this day and age, is it even smart to have a detailed list?

Come to think of it, maybe it’s time to light a match and set fire to the list. Here’s that beautiful albeit nagging optimism, rising back to the surface. When we meet the right man, will a list even matter? Should it matter? Sure, a few qualities are important, dare I even say, necessary. However, many qualities, especially the superficial ones, likely need to go by the wayside.

After all, times are tough! Charles Dickens had it right when he wrote, “It was the worst of times.” He, too, must have been searching for gay love. (As for the other half of that quote, the one that addresses the “best of times,” well, I don’t know her.)

Again, once more for those in the back, or for those considering leaving their current boyfriend in hopes of locating a better one: It’s hard to find an adequate mate. Oftentimes, I think “having a pulse” should be the only requirement.

Deal breakers are interesting notions to consider, and I can’t help but wonder: How important are deal breakers in a relationship? Should some deal breakers be flexible? More specifically, should some deal breakers be broken?

Deal breakers are different for everyone. I used to think that monogamy was a universal staple. You know, no lying or cheating or lusting after other men. That’s no longer the case, thanks to open relationships, thruples, poly-whatever, and amateur porn stars taking over Twitter. (Hey, it wouldn’t be my column if I wasn’t beating you over the head with my personal views.)

Anyway, after asking around, I learned that there are common deal breakers among numerous individuals, most notably: no drugs (remember, weed isn’t a drug but a lifeline), no cigarettes, no Trump fans (do these people honestly exist?), and no Crocs. That last one is just a dealbreaker of my own. They may be comfortable for the feet, but they are extremely painful on the eyes.

Those examples all seem kind of standard. The situation turns complicated when we enter a gray area. For instance, say you have a dog, and you let that dog sleep in bed with you. What happens if that’s a dealbreaker for your new beau? What if he believes a dog should have its own bed on the floor? Do you fold and kick poor Louie down to the ground? Do you tell Mr. Uptight to get over it or sleep on the couch? Or do the two of you just never sleep in the same bed?

Deal breakers come in all shapes and sizes. The takeaway is that one too many deal breakers will undoubtedly lead to a breakup — or, as alluded to above, dying alone.

Look, when we’re back on the market and start dating, we know what we want — at least, we should know or have a pretty strong idea — i.e. hookup, casual encounter, relationship, etc. Beyond that, perhaps it could be beneficial to be a little less rigid, a little more open-minded. I’m not suggesting giving up or changing morals or values but simply stating that we need to get over ourselves. The results may be surprising . . . even rewarding.