Rewrite

iAM POETRY 2020

p. 8 Rewrite

Years later, I will remember this day as the reason I have such low self-esteem now

I unlock the door with my set of keys Turn the door handle and enter the apartment The neighbours are chainsmoking again I can smell it through the vent above the stove I make the right turn into the kitchen where a bright yellow slip of paper catches my eye In another room, I can hear you Mumbling to yourself I walk towards the paper on the microwave and I read the words you’ve written I process them with my eyes Unconsciously absorb them into my skin 9 people tell me I am good I believe the one voice who tells me that I am bad I turn and scan the apartment and I see There are more coloured sticky notes On the walls, On the closet, On the fridge, I read each one and internalize the names you’ve scrawled on them My name isn’t Yasmine anymore and I am no one’s daughter I rush to the bathroom Through the narrow hallway I’m in the doorway and I see another sticky note On the mirror neon green It tells me I am a failure and I believe it I look in the mirror and I tell myself “I hate you”

But

I don’t mean it The words crawl out of my mouth I crumple the green sticky note in my fist In one fell swoop --- the instant my fingers make contact I rush out of the bathroom Through the hallway I recite my own name I become the mother that I needed I see your words for what they are The half sane scrawlings of a woman whose misery loves company I won’t give you the satisfaction 9 people tell me I am worthy And I believe them all I scour the house Removing each one until there are no coloured sticky notes left On the walls On the closet Or the fridge Consciously, I affirm There is no room for self-hate to live under this sacred skin My eyes see a vision beyond my present situation In another room I let you mumble, alone I grab my keys and eucalyptus I close the door and lock it behind me

Years later, I will remember this day as what kept me so resilient

p. 9

iAM POETRY 2020