There is Always Hope

hope THERE IS ALWAYS Encouragement for parents of suicidal kids.

by Kay Warren

Hundreds of people have asked me how to help their loved one—particularly an adolescent or young adult child—who is living with severe mental illness and/ or substance use disorder. They have a similar look in their eyes, a similar expression on their faces, a similar weariness that seems to come from their bones. Many weep—mostly against their will—because these brave moms and dads have steeled themselves to not break down in public again over the anguish they feel for their beloved sons and daughters who are barely holding on, cycling through repeated “episodes,” relapses, jail time, rehab, hospitalizations, overdoses, and suicide attempts. These dear parents are doing all they know to do; have done it for years or decades and will do it until their last breath. They recognize that severe mental illness often leaves families with untenable choices— there are few “good” options, only “bad” and “worse.”

The Unfathomable Question

Some parents go even further in what they ask me. A few manage to cobble together the question through tight lips that can barely form words, or in emotion-laden paragraphs via email. “Can you help me face the reality that my child may not survive much longer?”

My initial word to these terrified parents is: “I’m honored that you asked me—and I’m so very sad that you even have to give it a thought.”

I remember the first time I allowed myself to wonder if my youngest son, Matthew, was going to make it. I wanted to extinguish the thought as quickly and unbidden as it had come as if, somehow, even considering the terrible thought could make it happen. I remember the thousand times after that when fear and anxiety and the reality of his determination to die flooded my brain with utter helplessness. Sometimes I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t project positive outcomes. I know this place; I remember it too well. So, to any of you parents in this terrible place of fear for your beloved son or daughter, here are my thoughts.

The Edge of Hell

I call the place you find yourself “Sitting on the edge of hell.”

It’s the place where you as a mom stare down the enemy trying to destroy your child and know that your superpowers are not enough to guarantee your child’s survival. Your love may not be enough to save him. Your hours of anguished, fervent prayer may not be enough to save her. Your tears may not be enough. Your money may not be enough. Your carefully thought through, researched, and detailed plans may not be enough. There is hardly any place worse as a parent who adores a child and yet recognizes the enemy is relentless, cruel, and implacable.

To Engage or Disengage

Some parents are advised by professionals, family, and friends to disengage emotionally—to choose “compassionate detachment” toward their loved one. I was given that advice. I rejected it out of hand. I mean, it sounds reasonable in a textbook or on paper or in a clinical setting. It’s reasonable for a clinician who must build layers of protection against the pain of losing clients who die while in their practice. For their own well-being and ability to last in their work, they might need to find ways to emotionally disconnect from patients or clients so that work doesn’t follow them home. Adult children tasked with caring for mentally ill parents or siblings might need to find ways to emotionally separate themselves a bit for their own survival.

But parents? How do parents tell their hearts to stop caring? How do you tell your heart to sit by and merely observe? How do you tell your heart “It’s up to him?” How do you tell your heart to give up on hope? How do you tell your heart not to mourn over what mental illness and addiction are doing to your much-longed-for, muchprayed-for, much-beloved child? How do you tell your heart not to ache or be ripped apart by his illness? How do you tell your heart to let her go?

I couldn't do it.

Choosing to Suffer with Your Child

So, I chose the path that left my heart completely defenseless to hurt, pain, and anguish. I chose the path that discarded self-protection in favor of remaining soft and tender, exposed and vulnerable. I chose to suffer alongside of Matthew, feeling his hurt, his anguish, his despair, fighting the hopelessness that engulfed him rather than sit on the sidelines, with my heart encased in a steel-lined box.

I chose to believe in the God of Angel Armies...the God who parted the Red Sea...the God who releases prisoners from behind iron bars...the God who makes a way in the desert...the God who is the champion of lost causes...the God who walked on water...the God who made the blind to see, the deaf to hear, the lame to walk... the God who rose from the dead by His own power. I knew that if I ever gave up hope, Matthew would sense the change in me and would fling himself even more earnestly into the pursuit of death.

So, I kept on believing, kept on hoping, kept on asking for a miracle, kept praying Scripture, kept begging others to pray as fervently as we were.

I knew Matthew could die. For years we lived with the knowledge that any given day could be the day he couldn’t fight any longer. I wasn’t stupidly naïve or ridiculously convinced God would deliver. I just knew He could, and I would ask Him to do it until either He delivered Matthew here on this earth or welcomed him home sooner than we expected.

So, to my fellow fearful moms and dads—do what you’re doing. Accept the excruciating possibility that your child will not live very much longer. Pray like a crazy person on your face before God and ask everyone you meet to pray with you for a miraculous intervention of God. And keep your heart open and soft and tender so that your son or daughter never has to wonder what God is really like. Yes, it will hurt you more now. But if something should ever happen, you will know without a shadow of a doubt that you never withheld your heart.

My heart is heavy for you as I write... for your child, your marriage, and your other children. Yet I cannot give up hope. I will not give up hope. There is always hope.

Resources FOR PARENTS

Part of helping kids with mental illness is having resources you need at your fingertips. Kay Warren has put together her recommendations for the places that can help you and your family.

Crisis Text Line | www.crisistextline.org Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) | suicidepreventionlifeline.org The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 1-800-273-8255, en Espanol 1-888-628-9454, or visit their website to connect via online chat.

2-1-1 | www.211.org Provides free and confidential information and referral for mental health services, help with food, housing, employment, counseling, and more. With over 200 agencies across the U.S., 2-1-1 is a robust resource for helping people locate services in their area.

National Alliance on Mental Illness www.nami.org/Home NAMI is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization which provides education classes, support groups, and resources for individuals and families. Local resources are provided for you across the U.S.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Treatment Services Locator | findtreatment.samhsa.gov A confidential and anonymous source of information for persons seeking treatment facilities in the U.S. for substance use/addiction and/or mental health problems. Christian Counselor Network findacounselor.focusonthefamily.com Referrals for state-licensed Christian counselors in your area.

American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) www.aacc.net Locate Christian counselors, coaches, and clinics in your area.

Kay Warren.com www.KayWarren.com/MentalHealth As a mom of a child with mental illness, Kay often felt overwhelmed by the lack of mental health resources and the time it took to find reputable information. Her website was created to be a place where people can come and easily access trustworthy and helpful material without having to spend hours searching the Internet. BREATHE | kaywarren.com/Breathe/ Over the past few years, Kay Warren has hosted a variety of events for parents of children with mental health challenges called BREATHE. These events are designed to provide emotional, spiritual, and relational support for the long journey.

Grace Alliance | mentalhealthgracealliance.org The Grace Alliance is a Christian-based organization that provides support groups for individuals, parents, and loved ones. Their support groups combine neuroscience and faith with the hope of building mental and emotional health resiliency.

— Kay Warren

Kay Warren cofounded Saddleback Church with her husband, Rick Warren, in Lake Forest, Calif. After the death of her son, Matthew, who lived with serious mental illness for most of his life, she founded Saddleback’s Hope for Mental Health Initiative as a way to support individuals and family members of loved ones with mental illness and suicidal ideation. Kay is a board member of the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention and is active in mental health/suicide prevention efforts in Orange County, CA. Her children are Amy and Josh, and Matthew (who is in heaven), and she has five grandchildren.

Learn more at KayWarren.com and follow her on Facebook (KayWarrensPage), Twitter (@KayWarren1), and Instagram (@KayWarren75).