UNMASKING MISOGYNY DISGUISED AS KINK

One girl’s last-ditch attempt to explain to men that hating women isn’t kinky.

Words by Margo Moran

Art by Kodah Thompson

Today, more than any day that has come before, college-aged people are having kinky sex. What a great day! As more and more people engage in kink, its actual definition and boundaries of kink become further muddled. As our generational understanding of kink moves further from the truth, let’s set the record straight: Merriam-Webster defines kink as “unconventional sexual taste or behavior”. This includes everything outside the sexual mainstream, including BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism, and Masochism). Many sexually active people are familiar with at least this aspect of kink play and have perhaps engaged in it themselves. However, one of the basic tenets of legitimate kink seems to have been lost in translation: if it’s not consensual, it’s not kink. Even in the realm of kinks that intentionally shirk consent, like CNC (Consensual Non-Consent), there always has to be informed and enthusiastic consent given by everyone involved. So, why has kinky heterosexual sex become synonymous with men being violent towards women in sexual contexts without any consent surrounding these aggressive acts? These acts of violence can include non-consensual penetration, beating, choking, etc. The cause of this development, above all else, is a lack of education. When your only sex educator is porn, you may believe that smacking someone across the face with your dick out of nowhere is super chill and hot sexual behavior. Dick slapping can be so fun if both parties agree to it ahead of time. I can’t emphasize enough that kink, when done right, is a healthy, normal, and extremely pleasurable practice for a lot of people. What we are talking about is not kink, it’s violence.

With an understanding of legitimate kink under our belts (pun intended) we can approach the question at hand: why the fuck do so many men want to hit women so badly? Have they thought about taking up a hobby? Going to one of those rooms where you destroy all the stuff? Learning to knit? Seeing women as human beings? For some men, a good unsuspecting mid-sex smack across the face just sounds so much more fun. When dominating a partner sexually through violent means like punching invades your non-sexual relationship dynamic, it sets a dangerous precedent of control and unequal power in what should be a partnership characterized by give and take. Submissive and dominant relationships should not indicate a lack of respect, and it becomes evident that they have taken a turn for the unbalanced when you start hearing sentiments like, “I love her too much to hurt her,” from the dominant partner.

Legitimate kink is not indicative of any lack of love or respect, and men may fall into the archaic Madonna/whore complex of viewing casual sex partners as unworthy of respect and seeing romantic partners as somehow more human. This is especially unsettling because one would imagine that these men are also probably engaging in that casual sex, but I have lost all energy to feign shock at sexual double standards surrounding gender. Submissive partners may want to be treated with performative disrespect during sex, but very rarely actually want to be considered to be a lesser being by their partner.

As hook-up culture becomes more normal on college campuses, so does having sex with people you haven’t established trust or communication with. These casual sexual relationships can range from empowering to harmful, but one thing is true of all encounters under this umbrella is that you are not in an emotional, monogomous relationship with your partner. For one Syracuse University student, navigating hookup culture as a woman has been complicated immensely by the violent tendencies of so many men on campus. She finds herself feeling anxious and unsure about safely navigating a culture that normalizes nonconsensual sexual aggression against women on a campus dominated by hookup culture. When any man that you meet at Lucy’s could reveal these violent tendencies after you’ve brought him home to your apartment, you’re bound to be that much more discerning about who you let get close to you, if you can stomach building these connections at all. Once again, the onus of fear and carefulness fall on many women and responsibility is lifted off of their male counterparts. As the line between consensual kinkplay and sexual violence is misconstrued further and further, we here at Jerk leave you with two parting thoughts: first, every time misogynistic sexual violence masquerades as valid kinkplay, you harm not only your partner but the entire kink community by grossly misconstruing what it means to engage in kink; second, go to fucking therapy.