JOANNE ROWLING’S RESPECTABILITY

Words by CM McCambridge

Art by Lilly Chidlaw-Mayen

Here at Jerk , we would like to spend a moment with you all to “mourn” the career and respectability of once-allegedly-beloved author Joanne Rowling. Some may insist on using a different name for her, but her fans have pointed out it would be ridiculous to ever go by another name, such as “JK” or “Robert Galbraith.”

Rowling, a multi-billionaire who moved into a Scottish castle only to lobby against the nation’s independence from the United Kingdom, is best known for her series of derivative children’s books. Readers would be forgiven for mistaking her for a “reporter” at The Daily Stormer, given her dissemination of Neo-Nazi talking points and association with people who publicly quote Adolf Hitler. Rowling also frequently threatens those in the UK with litigation to stop this verifiably true information from being shared.

Rowling, who claimed that seeing a transgender woman is, “the very definition of cruel and unusual punishment” is clearly the community’s greatest asset. We at Jerk would never judge a woman so open in her support for trans issues that she even has a face clockier than Big Ben.

This death both follows and precedes the release of a video game based on Rowling’s work, Hogwarts: Legacy, which was largely spearheaded by alt-right YouTuber Troy “Are Thoughtcrimes

Becoming Real” Leavitt.

Per New York Times bestselling author Andrew Joseph White, “I have to spend a lot of time making sure the metaphor works.” Fortunately, Rowling wrote about slaves who are thankful for their imprisonment; one slave in her work even becomes a depressed alcoholic as a result of being freed.

Persephone Ranson, a reviewer for GamesHub who said that Legacy can’t be reviewed on its own merits, received countless threats and transphobic replies, including a recent violently transphobic essay.

“It was at least creative, I was actually pretty impressed by the imagery,” Ranson said. “There was such an interesting use of metaphor.” The essay included lines of multiple emojis to establish emotion, and one on ‘being such tiny specs in the infinity of the cosmos,’” Ranson said.

“There’s this weird attachment to this property from like 20 years ago, and people always try to justify it,” said Charlie Kelly, a journalist at Checkpoint Gaming who wrote about being transgender within gaming spaces when Hogwarts: Legacy released. How anyone would need to justify a series that included hook-nosed banking goblins, or described villainous characters as having “twice the usual amount of neck” or being “roughly the size and weight of a young killer whale” is far beyond us.

Fortunately, Rowling would never call trans people “violent, duplicitous rapists.” Oh, wait...