Life Lessons

FEATURE

LIFE LESSONS By Michaela Sumner

Tory is not famous, and no one you have heard on the news. Yet, she is someone who helps others, has created an amazing life for herself and has done it overcoming the odds that were not in her favor. We are telling her story to help you realize that no matter where you come from and where you are right now, you can change things and create a life you love. It is never too late and never too far out of reach.

I was born in 1970 in Everett, Washington. My mother was a crazy hippy feminist and my father was a nice guy, who made bad choices, impaired by his drug habit.

When I was 3 my mother left my father and moved us to Anchorage, Alaska. Here, under the allure of the Last Frontier, she hung out with bikers and drank, professionally. Shortly after we arrived she married her 3rd husband, a banjo playing, pipe smoking,

mountain man. This marriage, like most her relationships was a short-lived affair.

In regards to her drinking, there were incidents, including towing me along to the Anchorage bars, which at that time were open almost 24 hours. Also, the time she forgot to pick me up at kindergarten. The owners of the Montessori program drove me by our tiny and empty home in Mountain View, then took me to their lavish Hillside house. There I was exposed to wonders, including 2 white poodles, a white grand piano, and the culinary delight of a bacon and egg sandwich for breakfast. I believe this event contributed to my mom’s decision to stop drinking. While this was a minor improvement in her personality, the succession of men, careers, moves, trailers, and apartments continued. Instead of towing me to the bars she took me along to AA meeting, dances, and card games. I may have attended more AA meetings and had a better knowledge of the 12 steps than some of the AA members!

I learned early on in life to be self-reliant and appreciates the little things; like bacon and egg breakfast sandwiches and the people willing to help you out. I have been blessed to have many wonderful people cross my path, see something in me and provide support.

I spent most of every summer from the time I was 6 with my paternal Grandmother, Florence, my compass and helped me in so many ways. She was an anchor for me throughout my life. She was strong, quirky, pragmatic and sensitive. We could talk about anything, always there to offer love and advice. She shared stories of growing up on hardscrabble land and nursing through the years. She was my

constant. She kept in touch by writing me regularly, sending postcards, and calling. She was my consistent support and cheerleader. Sometimes I feel her soul skipped a generation and I inherited part of her nature. Though passed, her legacy and love, live on.

My younger sister was born when I was 8 years old. I lived to take care of her, would dress her up, read and play with her and was very often left to tend to her, while our mom was doing her thing. Watching her gave me a sense of purpose and I always felt a need to try and shelter her from the chaos of our life.

When I was 10, we moved from Alaska, when my mother fought for custody of my 2 older half siblings, their father had passed away from cancer. They had both been abused and neglected, and had felt abandoned by my mother. Our mother was in no way able to give them the love and support they needed, to be able to deal with their loss and trauma. My 16 year old brother lived with us less than a year, and my older sister emancipated herself not long after, at the age of 15.

All of the moving, fighting, and upheaval, caused constant health issues, a fragmented education, and very few friends. Though this experience taught me that no matter how tough you think you have it, there is always someone out there with struggles worse than you that you can’t even imagine.

I tended to retreat into books and my love of animals.

For high school I was encouraged by my mom to apply to an open concept

alternative school. I was horribly shy and probably clinically depressed, think Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club, and at first did not like the idea. It ended up being one of the best things that has ever happened to me and the experience has shaped me to this day. There were no bells, no lockers, we called our teachers by their first names, many classes were interactive and the school rules were made or modified by all school counsels, where everyone was able to speak up and have a say. This is where I started to feel like I had a voice.

Around this same time I started volunteering at the local animal shelter. This satisfied my love of animals, gave me some spending money and kept me out of the house. I was eventually hired and worked here through high school, in most areas of the shelter.

I met the amazing Kathy Gliva here, another one of my angels.

Kathy rescued many strays, including me. I had a lifelong fascination with horses and well… she had horses. So I struck up a friendship when I was fourteen. She put me to work with shovels, learning to clean tack, running errands in my mucky barn clothes, and caring for horses during the hard-Alaskan winters. We went on midnight horseback rides and I was able to take her horse, Rueben, to horse camp and 4-H. I learned responsibility and stewardship in exchange for a safe, fun place to be with so, so many animals!

Kathy and her husband lovingly teased me about my boyfriends, threw a 16th birthday

party for me and they picked me up, last minute, late one Christmas Eve when they realized I was alone. My mom had split town, and I was by myself at a friend’s dorm, as all the students were with family for the holiday, and I had nowhere else to stay. It was wonderful to be able to be with friends for a nice meal and the holiday. I learned so much about life, work, and true compassion from Kathy, her husband Ed, and their menagerie.

I started gaining confidence, making friendships, dating, and planning for the future. Halfway through my senior year my mother informed me she was moving to a rural village. I was not interested in this plan so I stayed behind to finish my year. The compromise was she left my sister, the duplex, and a car that I could use until graduation. The day I graduated she came just for the ceremony, collected my sister and I was on my own. Though I really have felt I was mostly on my own, this was more of a formality. I spent the rest of the summer and fall working and couch surfing with very gracious friends, while waiting to enlist.

The USAF brought me to the beautiful inland Northwest. I spent 4 interesting and fun years in the Air Force, as a plumbing specialist. I enjoyed the work and even the novelty of being known as the 6-foottall blonde plumbing chick. Though the plumbers crack jokes may have worn a little thin. Ha!

One of the hardest things I have ever done, in my life, is stand up to my mother. This happened when I was 20. My mom came to see me in Spokane, after travelling to Japan. She wanted to take my younger sister back to Alaska. My sister was again living with me. I had never stood up to her, and her volatile temper. I was now confident in my family, my career path, and my life choices. I set boundaries. No smoking inside my house, no screaming on the phone at midnight, and that my sister planned to stay with. My mom, Val, was furious, she cut her trip early, refused to hug me and boarded a Greyhound bus.

I knew I was in the right, and that helped change my approach to life. I questioned myself much less and was willing to speak up when I felt it was needed, no matter what.

About a year later I received a call from her in the middle of the night saying that I was a great parent to my sister, and a good person. She hadn’t called me at all before this. Two days later I received a call while at work on base. My mother had committed suicide.

At 21 years old I had to make arrangements to return to Alaska to this rural village, to deal with her affairs, her dysfunctional (seventh) husband, and my dysfunctional half siblings. I planned memorials and a funeral for her. I carried her cremated ashes in a box on the plane so she could be interned with her grandmother. It was the end of an era. A larger than life, raunchy, fox fur coat wearing, articulate Mensa member, who even to her last days, I found out, was bootlegging alcohol into a dry village. She had interesting friends, and was remembered by all. She was a character if not a particularly great mother. I grieved that I would never have that “typical” mom and family but my life experiences have taught me that I am capable of handling anything I put my mind to.

After the Air Force I settled in Spokane and went on to finish nursing school, inspired by my four-year-old stepson who had T1 diabetes. He’s been my professional muse. I have worked both in hospitals as a cardiac, cardiac ICU and ICU nurse. I have been a supervisor at the VA hospital and I am currently employed as a diabetes educator which has always been my passion. Nursing has allowed me to help many people, which I love, as far away as Kigali, Rwanda, where I went with an open heart team to recover patients and teach staff.

I personally have bipolar disorder but pay close attention to both my mental and physical health due to the strong family history of mental health and addiction issues. I work to keep tabs on my mental health in the same way someone with a heart condition checks their blood pressure. I am open about my personal journey around this and I am always saddened by the stigma mental illness carries. It’s important to address health issues openly with those you trust.

Life is a series of stepping stones with lessons and people along the way. Some people you learn from what not to do and others offer guidance and support more directly and positively. I am blessed at this juncture of my life to have made the choice to get me to a wonderful marriage, amazing children and fantastic friends. I have the luxury to be able to travel and have hobbies that are enjoyable and help keep me strong. Staying active by swimming and biking helps my stay mentally and physically strong. I am proud of my accomplishments, but none is any greater than the other. Sometimes strength is getting through one day. Anything is really possible.

Through all of this Tory has created a life

she can be happy to call her own. Success with her career and a stable family life that looks nothing like the one she grew up in. With all of her hardships, she has strived to better herself and those around her. She has completed 8 sprint tris, 2 Olympic distance tris, and several 50 to 100 mile charity bike rides. She has also been a part of multiple day bike rides; a 188 mile from Seattle to Vancouver British Columbia, and an 80 mile from Troy, Montana to Sandpoint, Idaho. She believes that anything that pushes you to your limits or puts you inside your head, like distance biking or swimming is a mental challenge. After doing her longest bike ride in 2014, Tory suffered from a back injury at work and affected her aerobically to go 8 miles once she started up again. Despite this injury, Tory still competes in triathlons. For her, any fitness achievement, big or small, is a trial of will and endurance.

If you are not happy with where you are in your journey, I encourage you to take a look at Tory’s story and realise with determination and dedication you can get to where you want to go. Your happy life does not need to look like anyone else’s, it is your personal journey.