Teen Talk

Dear Teen Talk,

I am now in eleventh grade in a local Bais Yaakov. I am a “good girl”

and like going to school. This week, though, the principal came in

with a list of rules that we have to follow. Now, although many of

those of rules were already “on the books” for the past few years,

I felt overwhelmed by all the rules that we were given. Some of

them had to do with schedules (be on time for class, not hang-

ing out in the halls, not leaving the school for lunch period), others were

about tests (no retakes allowed, etc.), and others were about tzinius rules.

My question for you is as follows: first of all, why do we have so many “rules”? Why do they always feel like

they have to make us a thick rulebook to follow? Aren’t we almost adults? Can’t we be expected to behave that way?

And secondly, I don’t see that tzinius should be about rules. The rules list the obvious tzinius rules (elbows, neck, knees)

but also no nail polish, no loud knapsacks, no too-colorful shoes, no loose hair. Isn’t this too much? And I know a lot

of girls who follow these tzinius “rules,” and, if you ask me, aren’t really too tzinius, meaning, they follow the letter of

the law and not the spirit of the law.

I’d appreciate your insight. I know this is not something I’m comfortable asking teachers in my own school.

Thank you.

Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

Thank you so much for sending in these important questions. They highlight the importance of the Teen Talk column where teens can feel more comfortable asking their questions here as opposed to their teachers and/or parents. I am proud of your maturity and understanding of right and wrong. Indeed, it must be frustrating to be told “what to do and how to do it” when it seems so natural and logical to you. Let me address your two questions one by one. I have been in education for over 30 years and have heard over and over again the question of why do we need so many rules?! Some even question why we need ANY rules! When seeking an answer, I always go straight to the source, and that is our Torah. There are 365 mitzvot Lo Ta’aseh in the Torah. These are the “Don’t Rules” telling us what we cannot and should not do. Yet there are only 248 Mitzvot Aseh in the Torah. These are the “Do Rules.” Did you ever wonder why there are more Don’t than

Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

Do mitzvot? Did you ever wonder why in Hilchot Shabbos, Shamor (guard – a Don’t rule) comes before Zachor (remember— a

Do rule)? I don’t believe it is because we are inherently bad and need the Don’t rules to stop us from being terrible people. When children are little, and their parents tell them, “Don’t touch the hot stove,” it is not a rule because they are bad but rather a rule to protect them. When parents tell their children, “Don’t cross the street until you have looked both ways,” they don’t say that to annoy their children and put added restrictions on them but rather, again, to protect them. When the Torah tells us we are not allowed to have a balcony on our roof without a fence, the Torah is teaching us that creating a structure like a ma’aka (fence) makes the roof safe for use instead of restricting its use.

Not everyone naturally sees right from wrong like you do. Many times, teenagers

will deliberately choose “wrong.” It is the school’s responsibility to outline a safe path for their students and for the students to adhere to the rules set out for their protection. I had a wonderful principal once who used to always say, “It is the teachers’ responsibility to teach and the students’ responsibility to learn.”

Your school is doing the responsible thing by setting forth rules. The students hopefully are doing the responsible thing by following them. We all know the phrase “rules are meant to be broken.” Sometimes, the school has to take into account that the rules might be broken somewhat, and therefore they need to set forth the rule in a little more extreme manner than needs to be in order to make sure it gets followed properly in the end. Even adults make mistakes and need some rules and guidance. You SHOULD be expected to behave in a certain way, and you personally just may, but not everyone is mature enough to do that. I know these rules can seem unnecessary and overwhelming but try to remember that, ultimately ,they are for your own good and protection.

And now I would like to respond to your second question about tzinius. Firstly, I agree with both your mature observations. Tzinius should not be just about rules, and just following the letter of the law is not enough.

As far as your first observation, I be-

lieve tzinius should not be given over to the students ONLY via rules. The girls should have a chance to clearly understand the rules and the reasoning behind them. We need to teach the ever-important message that our job is to merge the physical body that Hashem has given us with the neshama that is housed within it. If we understand the beauty we possess inside, then we will understand how to present ourselves on the outside and there would be no need for any “tzinius rules.” If we could just build up the

inner sense of self and true understanding of each girl’s unique potential and purpose in this world, then, again, there would be no need for any “tzinius rules.”

I know you have heard the pasuk, “Kol kevuda bas melech penima” a thousand times, but think about how true it is. We just witnessed the pomp and circumstance of the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II. We have read all about the dignity with which the Queen carried herself. Every Bas Yisrael is, indeed, a dignified queen in her own right. In my opinion, and I believe you agree with me, this would be the better way to “teach tzinius!” The best way for a teacher to teach tzinius is to role model what it means to dress, act, and speak in a dignified and proper way.

As far as some girls dressing in a tzinius way but not really acting in a tzinius way – where it seems like they follow the letter of the law but not the spirit of the law – unfortunately, this is a problem with many adults as well. It is actually the same issue we just discussed. If someone is dressed in a tzinius manner but doesn’t understand her self-worth, her inner sense of self, her dignity, her royalty, then she doesn’t understand the whole concept of tzinius. As we discussed, it is not only about, like you said, knees and elbows, but rather tzinius is a way of being. It is a way of life!

In Parshat Kedoshim, the Torah begins, “Kedoshim tihiyu.” The Ramban defines kedusha as an understanding not to mar the fine line of demarcation between the letter and the spirit of the law. Don’t become a “naval bereshus haTorah.” This is our aspiration and our challenge.

I hope I have helped you come to terms with these issues, and I wish you the best of luck as you continue on your spiritual journey through life!

If someone is dressed in a tzinius manner but doesn’t understand her self-worth, her inner sense of self, her dignity, her royalty, then she doesn’t understand the whole concept of tzinius.

Rebbetzin Sori Teitelbaum is the rebbetzin emeritus of Young Israel of Lawrence-Cedarhurst. She recently retired from teaching at HAFTR middle school and high school in the Five Towns. She is a well-known speaker and is involved in all aspects of the community. Rabbi and Rebbetzin Teitelbaum recently made aliyah and live most of the year in Ramat Beit Shemesh.