4 minute read
School of Thought
School of Thought What Kind of Adults Will They Grow to Be?
That’s Up to Me (and You)
By Etti Siegel
Twice, recently, I had opportunity to notice that we adults treat children differently, often matching insensitivity to insensitivity and toughness with toughness.
On the first occasion, I witnessed an adult I know professionally be abrupt (may I say rude) to a teenager trying to make conversation and watched the teen compose himself with difficulty and leave the room. I would not be surprised if he was holding back a few tears. I asked the adult, in a friendly way, what was going on, and he turned to me and said, “I said I wasn’t interested because I am not. Sometimes a kid just has to learn that the world does not revolve around them.” His answer gave me pause and led to a DMC (teen talk for Deep Meaningful Conversation) that will probably stay with both of us for a long time, even if we never cross paths again.
I explained that teenagers, especially the one he just interacted with, sometimes struggle with social situations and that teen was attempting to make conversation. The adult had every right to indicate that it was not a good time but instead modeled rude and obnoxious behavior. (It sounded nicer when we were talking...) An amazing teaching opportunity was lost. As a “good person” with poor social skills, the teen just took it and walked away. Meanwhile, another message was conveyed – an adult thinks he is not worth talking to, probably adding to an already distorted self-view, and was rude to him – when really it was that he did not see that the adult was overwhelmed and busy, and it had nothing to do with him at all. He would have learned more from, “Now is not a good time; can you come back later?” (“But I don’t even want to hear about it later; it was meaningless drivel,” replied the adult in question, to which I answered, “It is meaningful to him, but that is not the point. Convey respect, such as, ‘Sorry, now is not a great time for me to chat” and leave it at that.)
Our teens have less and less interaction with good social role models. They are surrounded by screens of all kinds and harried adults in their lives who are surrounded by screens. From where should they learn how to be responsible and kind adults if not from those of us who profess to be just that? They will want to continue to make friends, be successful in life, marry, have a spouse who is a confidante; how will they succeed in such social areas if they don’t have any models to learn from?
Not long after, I saw them both exchanging some unimportant-sounding conversation that I knew meant the world to both of them.
Another interesting exchange happened when talking to a principal. I shared that I overheard an elementary grade child making fun of another child of the same age, and as the adult on scene, I was told about it by the receiver of the verbal taunts.
“I am not as familiar with the child as you are,” I explained to the principal, “perhaps you want to step in and handle the situation. I want to assure her that we will not tolerate anyone making fun of her.” “Of course, I will handle it right away, don’t worry. I will reassure her of just that.” She winked and added, “She is a tough kid, though, and she will be fine.” I was left pondering the situation. Tough usually means weak social skills. Doesn’t this child need us to model empathy even more than the average child, since she is so lacking in that area? Perhaps we can teach her, by modeling and with specific instruction, how to be a kinder and nicer person.
Ross Green, author of The Explosive Child and Lost at School, states, “An inability to function socially or emotionally is as much of a learning disability as the inability to read.” Rick Lavoie, famous for his “How Difficult Can This Be?: The F.A.T. City Workshop” and “Last One Picked, First One Picked On: The Social Implications of Learning Disabilities,” explains it well when he talks about how if we see a child who struggles with math or reading, we tutor him, but if a child misbehaves, we kick him out.
Let’s help the children so they can do well.
