Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Yom Kippur at Home

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Last week’s article discussed the important topic of bringing children to shul. This week, I’d like to focus on being home with children over the upcoming yom tov. To be honest, most young families will need to have a parent at home on Yom Kippur as young children can’t sit for the very long Yom Kippur tefillos. The shofar is not blown during the day, so even that won’t draw in the little ones. Additionally, nursing, pregnant, and postpartum women will often stay home and rest to optimize their strength and ability to fast.

A major part of Yom Kippur is the soul-stirring tefillos. Many can’t even imagine the holy day without them – it’s like picturing a matzah-free Pesach. It becomes a major source of frustration for the stay-at-home parent to be home instead of hearing Mussaf, saying the 13 Middos, and murmuring the timeless prayers sung to traditional tunes.

We associate so much of the Yom Kippur experience with davening – and for good reason. But, even those unable to attend shul can still have a beautiful yom tov full of meaning. Teshuva and tefilla can take place at home, and Hashem certainly wants us to take care of these precious children we have been gifted.

Yom Kippur offers another unique challenge, and that is fasting while chasing little ones. In addition to creating a mood that is the polar opposite of the solemnity of the day, it’s hard to fast while running around and taking care of the needs of demanding cuties.

Attitude Adjustments

It can be very frustrating to be home on Yom Kippur. We can try to dance around this truth, run circles around our living room, and duck under the couch all hoping to evade it, but we can’t escape the feeling that we really should be in shul.

Years ago, a friend – having just finished chemotherapy – was told by her rav to eat on Yom Kippur according to specific shiurim. She was feeling very guilty for not fasting on the holy day and expressed those feelings to her husband. He firmly told her that she was fasting, exactly as she was meant to – by eating within the specified shiurim. Sometimes doing the correct thing doesn’t feel like it but we can all recognize that she wouldn’t be acting correctly if she fasted when her health was in a precarious state.

Many people find it hard to feel spiritual while changing diapers or sense holiness while filling sippy cups. Unlike other religions that eschew the physical, we believe in elevating the world around us by living fully immersed within it. This means that, ideally, we are intended to grow as people and fulfill our divine role while kissing boo-boos and putting babies down for their naps. It’s easy to feel spiritually elevated while swaying during prayers; it’s a greater challenge to feel Hashem’s presence while serving snacks on a fast day.

It can help if we remove some of the guilt of where we think we should be and refocus on where we need to be now. Yes, some people will make it to shul even with an infant, but not everyone can. If you are needed at home, then that’s what Hashem wants and we are here to do His will.

Let’s take this one step further. Some parents can leave their toddler with a neighbor, and they will play happily for the entire day. What if your little one in the same scenario would spend the day scared and screaming? This is a question for a rav, but I would suggest that perhaps, just because we can leave our child and go to shul, doesn’t mean it’s the right decision. It all depends on the child and the situation, but just as we ask Hashem to have rachmanus on us, we need to have rachmanus on our child.

If, in the end, the correct decision is that someone needs to be home, then

Davening On Demand

Being home means we need to maximize our time and catch a few minutes for tefillah, when possible. Speaking to a rav prior to yom tov can help you become familiar with the relevant halachos – particularly which tefillos are to be prioritized. Additionally, some tefillos cannot be said without a minyan.

Keeping a machzor nearby, bookmarked to the spot, can help you grab a tefillah when you have a few minutes of quiet. Knowing which tefillos to prioritize means you can make use of those precious moments optimally. Aiming for when your child is otherwise occupied, such as naptime, is one strategy.

There are many seforim and booklets available that translate and explain the tefillos. I’ve personally found them extremely helpful for focusing on Vidui. Think of what will help you get emotionally into the davening and make your prayers meaningful. Additionally, having a book about Yom Kippur that speaks to you can be a very effective way to get into the mood of the day when you’re not davening or chasing someone.

It can be incredibly frustrating being disturbed when davening. Knowing in advance that children may interrupt can help make those inevitable disruptions a little less disappointing.

Advanced Preparation

Like most times in life, preparing in advance can make things go smoother.

It’s easy to feel spiritually elevated while swaying during prayers; it’s a greater challenge to feel Hashem’s presence while serving snacks on a fast day.

Having simple meals arranged ahead of time and snacks ready-to-go make the day run easier. Whatever can be cut, cubed, or done before the fast should not be left till the holy day itself. It seems nothing stimulates a child’s appetite like an adult fasting, and it’s shocking how much kids can eat on Yom Kippur.

A new toy, if it can be arranged, can do wonders for occupying a child. Having a few options to keep your little one busy can make fasting easier on you. If you’re sensitive to fasting, then please don’t continuously clean up after your child on Yom Kippur; your fast is more important than the floor.

Feel free to watch your child while

laying down comfortably on the couch. Try to take it easy, whenever possible, and sit or rest. Children are continuous bundles of energy, and they can deplete yours fast. Remember, pregnant, postpartum, or nursing mothers need extra rest on fast days (and every day).

A preteen child may be too young to babysit independently but can be very effective at helping to occupy a rambunctious child when an adult is home. Many young ladies (including those too young to fast) may not be ready for shul, but they can be very helpful for a parent that has trouble fasting. It’s important for children to be involved in doing chessed for others. Still, it’s my humble opinion that if you’re asking a child to watch your little one for an extended period of time, then they should be compensated appropriately, whether through payment or a gift. Ask a rav in advance as there are technical halachos involved in paying someone for work done over a yom tov.

Yom Kippur is an intense day full of meaning and emotion – wherever you are. May Hashem answer our tefillos wherever we say them and grant us a year full of bracha and good health.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.