School of Thought

School of Thought Praise Precisely

By Etti Siegel

Precise praise is so important. No one likes an insincere accolade.

I remember telling a relative of mine that he should not tell his son he was such a great kid, that instead he should be specific and tell him what action he did that made him proud. I laughed when I got a call later from this relative’s wife. ”Thanks,” she said. ”He is such a good person, but it can be so frustrating to be around his compliments! When he comes home from work and tells me what a great wife I am, all I can think of is how I lost my temper with the kids, how I didn’t iron his shirts yet, and how awful I felt about not having orange juice when I know that is what he likes. Yet, when he is at supper and says, ‘What a delicious meal,’ I accept the sincere praise and feel good inside. I know supper was great.”

Carol Dweck, in her article Praise Can be Deadly (American Educator, 1999) writes how “the selfesteem movement” has failed. Research shows that there is a big difference between praising a child for working hard and praising a child for being smart. A child praised for working hard will want to continue to work hard and develops perseverance, the ability to take risks, as they feel in control and know they can choose to work hard again. Children praised being smart become averse to trying new things, as they are worried about not appearing smart again.

There is a famous study conducted by Carol Dweck and Claudia Miller that really brings home the importance of appropriate praise. They divided a group of children into three and gave them all challenging but age-appropriate puzzles to do. When the groups were done, they complimented two. The first group was praised on their intelligence. “You must be really good at this!” The second group was praised for effort. “You guys really worked hard!” The third group was not praised at all. When the groups were offered a second task, the first group chose a task that was relatively easy, so they could keep their status as smart. The second group eagerly chose a hard task. (The third group was random and is not important to the study.) The results were even more interesting. Even though the first group chose an easier task, they struggled to complete it and did not do well. Meanwhile, the second group with the harder task scored very high! This study was done with a total of 400 children of the same age but of different genders and race from all over the country, and the results were the same each time.

In other studies she conducted, 85% of parents surveyed thought they had to praise children to show they were smart. What really happens, though, is children begin to rely on outside, external motivators, rather than trust themselves and their instincts. They begin to doubt their abilities and rely more and more on validation for everything they attempt to do. They become more needy, not more resilient.

We can all relate. Think of little children in preschool or first grade. “Is this pretty?” they ask the adult in the room as they show their drawing. If the adult answers, “It is!” or “How beautiful!” he or she is now surrounded by various other children clamoring for the same response. Yet if the adult would answer, with a smile, “What do you think?” or “Can you tell me about your picture?” the child will light up and begin to share. Oth-

er children will learn that A person cannot it is for them to decide if a picture they made has decide to be smart but worth. It is not just children can decide to work who suffer from insecurity. Listen when a group hard or be thoughtful. of women gather and hear how many compliments are given and deflected. “This old thing?” “Oh, I got it on sale.” Rarely a warm appreciative smile with a “thank you” is heard. Sincere and precise praise is a wonderful thing. When used correctly, precise praise can encourage children to use the gifts they have to the fullest. Precise praise makes a person on the receiving end feel noticed and appreciated. Parents and educators must be careful, though. Praise cannot used to manipulate or demand. Children sense insincere praise and learn to distrust its giver. Be careful, though. Praise as specifically as is possible, on a behavior that shows effort or thought. A person cannot decide to be smart but can decide to work hard or be thoughtful. Also, praise must be real to be believed. If a child is being praised just to get his seatmate to behave, that is insincere praise and will not accomplish anything for the child being mentioned. Praise should not be offered for something expected – “good job; you came to class on time” – but for matters reflective of talent and perseverance – “you are really working hard to get your letters to match the book’s example” or “you really worked hard to get your closet organized.”