School of Thought

By Etti Siegel

Q: Dear Etti, I don’t know how to say this nicely, so here goes. My daughter hates her teacher. She is miserable. I don’t believe there is anything terrible going on, per se, but they just don’t click. I checked with a few other mothers. They don’t think the teacher is amazing, but they don’t think she is terrible. My daughter has good friends and would not want to switch schools.

I don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice? -Worried Mom

A: Dear Worried Mom, It is hard to see your daughter so unhappy. The way I see it, you have three options: help her make the best of it; switch her school; or open your own school for her. You mentioned that she would not want to switch schools, and I am guessing you are not interested in opening a new school for her. So, let’s concentrate on helping her make the best of it.

Life is full of challenges, and the best present a parent can give a child is the gift of resilience.

The Road to Resilience was a resource created by The American Psychological Association (2012). They define resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors.”

Some people are more resilient than others. But according to The Road to Resilience, it is a characteristic that can be developed.

Here are some ways to develop resiliency, as delineated in The Road to Resilience:

You might not have control over events, but you can control how you respond to them.

The inability to accept what we cannot change is futile. Accept reality.

Take a moment to learn about yourself as you struggle through a bad experience. Are you working on relationships? Are you gaining strength or a different perspective?

Bad things happen. Look at it from a lifelong point of view. How significant is this event in the scheme of a whole life (until 120, iy”H)?

Practice optimism. Look for the good, even though some uncomfortable things are happening your life right now.

As Jews, we have the concept of emunah. Your daughter was meant to have this teacher. (Perhaps it is to work on her resilience.)

My advice? Schedule a meeting with your daughter. (This way you both make time, it feels serious, and it is not in the middle of a meltdown.) Have a frank discussion with her, using Lost At School author Dr. Ross Green’s Collaborative Problem Solving model, an incredibly effective process for solving any problem. This model works with any age person who can communicate effectively.

Step One: Offer empathy and reassurance. Using neutral language, tell her that you understand that this year is hard for her, you feel for her, and you want her to know that you are here for her. An example of neutral empathy might look like, “I’ve noticed that you are unhappy in school. Can you tell me about it?”

Step Two: Identify the problem. What actually is the problem? Try to refrain from putting words in your daughter’s mouth. Don’t rush her. Let her come up with what the problem is, even if you are antsy and don’t want to sit there anymore. Give your daughter the gift of sitting with her and allowing her to verbalize her feelings. You might be surprised to learn what is actually bothering her. When she says something, ask her if you can repeat back what you are hearing, because you really want to understand. Examples of non-judgmental feedback would be: So help me understand, I don’t quite understand what you mean – tell me more about that, Can

The best present a you tell me more about… And then what happens? parent can give a child It sounds to me that... Is this true? Are there times is the gift of resilience. when it is especially hard? Is there anything else you want me to know? I think I get the picture; are you saying that... Step Three is the invitation to solve. Ask your daughter to propose ideas that might help her. Try to refrain from putting words in her mouth. Once she has offered some ideas, ask if you can share some as well. Unless the idea(s) are impossible, inconvenient, or unattainable, agree to try it for a week and then reevaluate. Let her think about the ideas you proposed. If she attends a Jewish day school/Bais Yaakov, she has two or more teachers. The other teacher must be fine because your daughter is not complaining about her. You mentioned that she has friends. It is very disappointing for her to have a teacher she doesn’t click with, but this is a great opportunity for her to learn that we don’t click with everyone, and that is okay. Make accepting disappointments and being grateful for the good a new family habit. Share some disappointing news or event, and also add, “but good things happened to me as well today!” and enumerate them. Allowing your daughter to see herself as a resilient person who can handle whatever comes her way is a lifelong skill that will serve her well. Loads of nachas, Etti