Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls HITSIC

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Each Friday, our high school principal made the day’s announcements and inevitably “HITSIC!” would boom over the loudspeaker, too. I will confess that it took me a few years to figure out that “HITSIC” stood for “hang in there, Shabbos is coming.”

On the rare occasions I’ve overheard gentiles well-meaningly comment on our religion, I’ve been surprised by how differently they view our beliefs and practices. Rather than realize that we find meaning and enjoyment in our lifestyle, they often are under the mistaken impression that we do things due to lack of choice or out of fear. I’ve never had a rabbi watch me for 26 hours to ensure I don’t turn on the bathroom light. I choose to keep Shabbos because that’s what Hashem commanded me to do. Assuming we keep Shabbos, kashrus, or other mitzvos solely because we’re afraid of being struck by lightning is also a very negative way to view Judaism and our relationship with Hashem.

How do we explain that we kept a month of yomim tovim because they enrich our year? The mitzvos give us a life of meaning and happiness. Rules may seem strict and unbending to secular society, but halacha creates for us personal structure along with stronger community and family values.

To outsiders, Shabbos may seem very restrictive, but our nation can appreciate the chance to focus on community, family, and ourselves. Away from the distractions of business, noise of technology, and stress of math tests, we have the opportunity to relax and rejuvenate.

As beautiful as Shabbos is, it can also be stressful. There are lots of necessary preparations which can cause tension. Many people, particularly children, find it hard to disconnect from their weekday activities. Not everyone can see the day of rest as a day that is truly relaxing.

Many people naturally enjoy Shabbos and don’t feel the need for an article about the beauty of Shabbos; others don’t share these positive, warm feelings. Yet, even those who can’t fully feel the menucha of Shabbos still want their children to grow up to be shomrei Shabbos adults. Youngsters pick up on our attitudes and unspoken words. In my humble opinion, one of the best ways we can bring up the next generation in ahavas Shabbos is to give our youth a feeling of simcha surrounding this special day. Still, even those of us that can appreciate the day may approach it with stress. It behooves all of us to take a close look at our own approach to Shabbos and see if we are giving over the appropriate attitude to our children.

Shabbos Preparations

They say the yetzer hara works extra hard on erev Shabbos – I can believe it. With so many preparations to be done, all required before a strict deadline, it’s no wonder that families can get tense and tempers can fly.

One Shabbos I took the initiative to do my Shabbos preparations well in advance. Early that week saw me busy cooking up a feast for the holy day. It was with a feeling of contentment that I loaded my fridge that Thursday night with our Shabbos repast.

On Friday morning, I came down to the kitchen to discover that my little cuties had opened a package of whipped cream cheese and smeared it all over my fully-cooked fleishig-destined food. String beans were coated with white globs. I think my chicken soup may have been spared by having a lid – but the lid had taken the brunt of the attack instead. Let’s just say that was an awkward call to a rav.

I followed the rav’s instructions, including how to clean wet, cooked string beans from cream cheese. I put up the soup with a cleaner lid and felt the worst was behind me. Minutes later, I noticed an interesting smell. I followed the aroma to the kitchen where I discovered that unseen cream cheese had been stuck to the bottom of my soup pot and was now being cooked onto it. A call back to the rav confirmed my pot needed to be kashered. Chasdei Hashem, the soup was still edible as I’d caught it in time. The rav included a few words of chizuk with the p’sak.

As the above story illustrates, we can only do our best. It feels like something always goes wrong despite the best planning. Kids may refuse to get in the bath on time. Someone little might discover messy, melted chocolate right after donning a fresh Shabbos shirt. Hundreds of Legos can miraculously explode over a freshly swept floor.

First, it can help to lower our expectations and let go of what we can. Yes, your child’s face may be covered in food, but their smile can still be shining. White shirts feel frustratingly disposable, but at the end of the day it’s still just fabric. When we expect and are emotionally prepared for these inevitable frustrations we can respond more calmly. Alternatively, when we yell and create a tense filled home, we are detracting from the wonderful feelings Shabbos should generate – for us and our children.

Another thing we can do is try to avoid leaving preparations till the last minute. Yes, something can still go wrong, as the above story illustrates, but the chances are less. The more we cram into that last

half hour, the higher our decibel level tends to reach. Many foods can be prepared earlier in the week, and the bulk of our laundry need not be reserved for Friday. The less we leave till the last minute, the calmer we will be as Shabbos comes in. Many have a beautiful custom to have the main tasks done before midday. Years from now, our kids will not remember if their Shabbos cake or kugel was hot out of the oven on Friday, but they will remember if we brought in Shabbos with serenity.

Delegate tasks whenever possible. Children can become part of the Shabbos preparations, too. They are surprisingly capable when given age-appropriate tasks, and it takes a load off the adults in the family. Even preschoolers can put tissue boxes in the bathroom or their clothes in their drawers.

Keeping it simpler can help shorten your preparations. A simple yet tasty chicken dish can be prepped in minutes, but a complicated recipe can take hours. If it’s a patchke, then do it earlier in the week or skip it. We especially want to impress guests, but our visitors certainly don’t want their meal to come at the expense of our family.

This one may not be popular, but minimizing guests can help parents that are feeling challenged with the extra preparations. Based on what I’ve seen, most hosting is to socialize and not to provide food for those who would otherwise not have a proper seudah. It’s wonderful to have extra guests, but not if it causes us to scream at little ones. Hachnasas orchim

is definitely a mitzvah, but our children’s chinuch is important, too; we can’t ignore our family to spend time with friends.

We can actively add joy into our preparations by playing music or otherwise creating a festive atmosphere. It may feel impossible, but with some creativity, the tedious tasks could almost be called fun.

Shabbos should be enjoyable. After all, it’s may’ain Olam Haba. When Shabbos brings us simcha and inner peace, it becomes a day we look forward to all week. Our children, too, can excitedly anticipate the holy day. Turning Shabbos into the highlight of their week will

hopefully, b’ezras Hashem, keep Shabbos as the mainstay of their week that grounds them in holiness throughout their lives.

The highlight of Shabbos – other than the tefillos – should be the Shabbos seudos. Children readily enjoy a pleasant meal with their family. You’d be surprised how much mileage you can get out of a good meal; the food doesn’t need to be fancy or expensive to be enjoyable. In addition to singing and divrei Torah, there are plenty of opportunities for relaxed conversation.

Youngsters follow the adults’ lead. Parents maintaining a calm attitude can help avoid some of the potential squabbles. Distraction works well to prevent brewing situations. Many parents may find it helpful to come to the table with ideas for table discussions.

It can help to change Shabbos from a day of “don’t”s to a day of “do”s. Having books, magazines, special games, or other activities available can make it more fun. With Shabbos starting earlier, Friday evening can become a relaxing time for family and friends.

Hopefully, one day, too, our children will call out excitedly in their own home, “HITSIC.”

Years from now, our kids will not remember if their Shabbos cake or kugel was hot out of the oven on Friday, but they will remember if we brought in Shabbos with serenity.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.