School of Thought

By Etti Siegel

Q: Dear Etti, My middle school daughter gets nervous about tests. I used to get anxious as a kid, too. It’s horrible to watch. I feel so helpless! Can I do something or is stepping in being too “helicopter Mom”? -Trying to Strike the Right Balance

A: Dear Trying to Strike the Right Balance, Kudos to you for realizing that your child needs help, and also that you don’t want to overstep. Rushing to help can backfire, as it sends a message to our children that we do not think they are capable of dealing with life’s bumps and we have to take care of everything for them.

But your child is struggling with feelings of anxiety, and you do want to support her.

Her are some tips I hope will help. 1. Minimize your feelings about her tests. When she feels that marks matter so much to you, it adds pressure on her, which adds to her anxiety, not lessens it. Let her know that effort is what matters to you (and be sure to mean it!). 2. When you hear she has a test, help her map out a study schedule. For example, for a Chumash test, one night can be reviewing all of the pesukim, one night can be reviewing all words and phrases, one night can be going over all homework and classwork questions, and the night before the test can be for scanning all of the material one last time. Don’t have that many days’ notice? That’s okay. Adjust the schedule above to make it work.

3. Be clear about when you are available to help, but also don’t be available all night. This is her test, not yours. Let her tell you how much help she wants and needs. 4. If she is the type to overstudy, encourage her to take breaks. If she is the type to procrastinate, ask her to decide what she wants to do by her break, and give her a timer to allow her a concrete way of tracking her study time. 5. Try to make sure she has a quiet place/time to work. Sending her to study in her room can be the best idea for a studious child and the worst idea for a procrastinator. Most children need to be around a parent or at least in the vicinity of a helpful adult “just in case” and for accountability. 6. Are you teaching her the material? That’s a red flag. That means that either she is not paying attention in class because she knows you will reteach it to her, or she is not understanding the material being taught in class and you need to figure out why. (Is there a processing issue or learning disability that is only surfacing now that the work is getting harder? Often lower elementary is more foundation-building and offers more hand-holding, and middle school demands more self-starting and independent work. It is easier to compensate in younger grades.) If you are reading this and shaking your head, thinking, “I don’t even know when my child has a test,” ask yourself, “How does my child do?” If he/ she is doing well, you don’t need to know when the tests are scheduled. Reach out to show interest to bond but leave your child alone. He/she is proving quite capable of managing their own affairs. If he/she is not doing well, it is time for a candid conversation. Perhaps a homework helper, a tutor, or just a little more parental involvement is what your child needs. Once they hit middle school, they should be part of figuring out the problem and solution with you.

Encourage your middle schooler (and older children) to approach the teacher directly with concerns, and only reach out once your child has made the attempt and was not able to get the help needed. Parents should not be calling teachers to micromanage homework and testing matters. This is the child’s domain, and they should be taught skills to navigate the terrain, not be pushed aside as the parent swoops in to save the day. Our goal is to help our children reach milestones towards independence, and being able to communicate with a teacher is a step in that direction.

Thanks for writing in,

Etti

This is the child’s domain, and they should be taught skills to navigate the terrain, not be pushed aside as the parent swoops in to save the day.