Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Honest to Goodness

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

“Now remember, when we get to the booth, you are still four years old,” the father reminds his five-year-old as the line gets closer to the clerk.

The line inches closer to the ticket booth until it’s finally their turn. “Two adults, two kids and the little one is free,” the father informs the clerk just as his daughter asks loudly, “Abba, why again am I only four years old?” The employee pretends not to notice the child’s comment as she hands over their tickets.

Unfortunately, the story above is true and happened many years ago. Even more unfortunate, similar stories have probably happened again and again in many different locations for decades.

There are so many times we and our children will be confronted with the challenge of telling the truth. We want our children to become honest, righteous individuals that are a true representative of Hashem and His Torah. The character of honesty is something our nation values greatly. Our children are taught that the first, middle, and last letters of the alef bais spell out “emes.” We further stress that while the letters of “emes” are all sturdy with a strong base, the letters of “sheker” look like they’ll topple over. Yet, despite the importance of honesty, too often dishonesty creeps in without us realizing it.

As with most areas of chinuch, our actions are more important than our lectures. We can talk all day and our kids will tune us out, but they will be hyper-focused on what they see us do – especially hypocritical ones. We are our children’s main educators and the example we set is the one we can hope they’ll follow – for good and for bad. can tell who someone is by b’kiso, through his pocket or money. Every day we are faced with situations that will challenge our approach to finances. We tend to associate stealing with major theft and dishonesty with public lies but there are smaller and more subtle ways these bad middos can creep into our homes.

It’s far too easy to try to save in ways that seem harmless but may not be fully honest. This comes out in many ways such as the opening story. Saving a few dollars on a ticket, not declaring a payment on our tax returns, or taking a discount we’re not entitled to may feel like a victimless crime, yet our children will notice our dishonesty no matter how minor it may seem to us. I’m not here to judge, just to create an awareness so we can live the way we want our children to exemplify. Our children see more than we realize and soak in our subtle lessons.

Honesty goes beyond money. There are far too many stories of cheating on tests, testifying falsely, or giving misleading statements, among other acts of dishonesty. Years ago, parents of special needs children had difficulty getting necessary services for their children because another group of parents tried taking advantage of the system. Besides the obvious issue of chillul Hashem, special needs children may have lost out on therapies they desperately needed.

An additional hashkafic point gets overlooked. We often say that our finances are from Hashem and are decreed on Rosh Hashana; these are beautiful statements of faith. Yet, if we say “it’s all from Hashem” while wrongly using a store discount, our words are not matching our actions. We speak of Hashem providing, yet we act as if Hashem won’t, chas v’shalom. Our children should feel that when we speak of emunah and bitachon, it isn’t mere words but something we live and breathe.

While I could waste precious article space listing examples, I don’t feel it’s necessary. We all know the challenges we face in our personal lives and have access to rabbonim to clarify the emes when we’re unsure.

Are We Encouraging Lying?

“Who took the cookies?” “Did you make that mess?” What do these questions have in common? They all prompt kids to lie. The Marvelous Middos Machine has an entire song devoted to this question.

It’s ironic that adults inadvertently encourage kids to not speak the truth, but it’s far too common an occurrence. Children don’t want to incriminate themselves or get in trouble. They’re not mature enough to say, “I did it,” but they’re more than ready to say, “He/she did.” We know it’s far easier to say, “I didn’t do it” than to confess and say, “It was me.”

We need to think carefully before speaking in these situations. How we phrase our inquiry can make the difference between an honest response and a lie to get out of trouble. It can be just a slightly different wording that will promote a more appropriate answer.

We also may prefer to phrase it in the form of a statement: “Come help me clean this mess.” In other instances, it may be better to not ask or comment at all, rather than ask a question we know won’t get a truthful response. vironment of truthfulness and encourage our children to speak honestly, even when a quick lie could get them out of trouble. This may be more applicable to the older kids than preschoolers, but it’s still important to keep in mind with all ages.

“Not me” and “I didn’t do it” are a simple solution and an easy way out. When our children know that we value an honest response, we’re more likely to get one. When they tell the truth we need to praise not only their honesty but also the courage it takes to speak up. Our children can sense our values, and emes needs to be one of them. It may seem unrealistic, but I have seen children – particularly teens – rise to the challenge again and again.

Even more than that, our children need to know it’s really to their advantage to be fully truthful. When any negative consequence is decreased because they told the truth, they will have more of an incentive to be honest. We may choose to lessen the punishment or push it aside altogether, but they need to feel a concrete benefit from having been honest. And, we should make sure they know this, “I was going to give you a consequence of XYZ, but since you were honest, it will only be X.”

Emes should be rewarded, while sheker has no place in our homes. It’s our daily actions and the chinuch we provide that will demonstrate to our children where our values truly lie.