Teen Talk

Dear Teen Talk,

I started high school this year. Most of the girls in my grade are the same girls I was with in elementary, but a bunch of the girls are new. One of them seems very different. She looks sad a lot, and I don’t really see her talking with people. Her hair is often kind of messy, and her clothing doesn’t always match. She sometimes dresses in strange ways like wearing clothing for the wrong season or in the wrong size. Sometimes, she even wears clothes that have a small hole or stain.

At first, when my friends and I noticed her, we were kind of making fun of her a little (not to her face), but then we started really talking about her for real. We really feel bad for her now. We think things must be hard at home, and it is pretty obvious to us that her family doesn’t have a lot of money.

One of my friends came up with the idea of us raising some money to help her buy some new clothes and stuff. Of course we would raise it and give it in a careful way so we wouldn’t embarrass her and she wouldn’t know who it was from.

All of us think it is a great idea except for one girl. She thinks it might be taken the wrong way. I’m not sure I agree because I think that she is better off being helped.

We feel bad for her and really want to help, but now we don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks so much, Shana*

Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

Dear Shana*,

Before I say anything else, I want to commend you and your friends for not only stopping yourselves from continuing to make fun of someone vulnerable but for completely turning yourselves around to instead focus on how you can help. That takes much sensitivity and compassion. You and your friends clearly took the time to really try to understand a situation, and then, rather than just settling with feeling bad about someone else’s situation, you decided to take action. I sense such sincerity in your desire to help.

I want to share something with you. It feels good to help. Helping others makes us feel good about ourselves, helps us feel more thankful, and increases our positive feelings. In fact, one of the suggestions given to people that are struggling with feeling down is to get involved with helping others. How great is that? Everyone wins! Well, actually, it may not be so simple.

When we want to help, it is often a good idea for us to think about the perspective of the other. How will my help be perceived and received? Good intentions, even really good intentions, are not enough to ensure that we are doing good.

A few weeks ago, an elderly man with a clear physical impairment walked unsteadily down the block as I waited by a red light. In a matter of seconds, I watched his steps increasingly falter and him fall splat to the ground, his papers flying everywhere. I quickly pulled over to help him up as two other strangers came running. As we all tried to help him, I heard him repeat over and over that he’s OK and that he can do it. And then I heard the message behind his message; him trying to say that he doesn’t want to feel helpless. And so, I backed away to let one stranger help while the frail man used some of his own strength to get back up. I really wanted to help, but more than that, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t cause hurt. Did it ever happen to you that someone “was just trying to help” but instead caused you pain or insult?

My family has been running an annual food collection for Tomchei Shabbos of Queens for many years. In short, we do a collection of food people don’t want, and then we deliver boxes to the TSQ warehouse from where it is given out at a later date. The rules are very strict; the food must be in very good shape to be accepted – if I would not buy it off a shelf, then it is not donatable. I am often asked why it is so strict, as a lot of food ends up being rejected and goes to waste. If someone is in need, then wouldn’t they be fine with something kind of crushed, slightly old, a little dented? I learned a big lesson about sensitivity when I was being guided by TSQ: It is one thing to be in need, yet it is another thing to feel in need. If someone is struggling with money, we don’t want to take the risk of making them feel worse by making them struggle with their dignity, too.

So I think the question is, is the potential benefit of having new clothes worth the risk of making someone feel even worse? I guess part of the calculation is realizing you are making an assumption that her family is struggling with money and that she would be happier if money for new clothes showed up by her doorstep. As with any assumption, you may be right, you may be partially right, but you also may be wrong. And what if you are wrong?

Still, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you shouldn’t try to help. I don’t think I am in a position to tell you what to do or not do. My goal is to emphasize the importance to think things through very, very carefully. Part of that process is to share your ideas with select others to get their feedback. Asking your parents their thoughts can be very helpful, but that alone may not be enough because your parents may not know her family and their circumstances. Approaching an advisor or administrator at your school can be very useful, as they might be able to give you informed guidance. Speaking to them may also apprise them of details of her situation that they may not be aware of, possibly sparking them to assist in different ways that you may never be made aware of. That is helpful, too. No matter what, a crucial piece, as we mentioned above, is that privacy and dignity should not be compromised. On top of that, and maybe even more so, it is good to think about other ways to help. I am not just talking about other ways to give money. You started your question by sharing this girl’s apparent sadness and loneliness. Sometimes giving of yourself, not

just of your money, is a bigger and more selfless gift. And, at least in this case, it doesn’t appear to carry the risk of potential insult or harm. Small gestures such as a smile and a greeting are a great start. Having small conversations, offering compliments, and finding other ways to speak with and include her can be so positively impactful. Encouraging others to do the same, and even perhaps speaking with a teacher about doing more, can make your efforts even further reaching. I am not implying that you need to take on a new best friend, just to consider being a positive, friendly presence who displays care and interest. Even so, I recognize that these ideas can definitely be uncomfortable on your end, but as we know, giving isn’t always easy.

May Hashem give all of you so much hatzlacha and clarity in your positive endeavors.

Very Warmly, Estee

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Did it ever happen to you that someone “was just trying to help” but instead caused you pain or insult?