A Comprehensive Understanding of Recent Studies on the Shidduch Crisis by Naomi Rosenbach, PhD

Dating Dialogue A Comprehensive Understanding of Recent Studies on the Shidduch Crisis

By Naomi Rosenbach, PhD

The term “shidduch crisis” has been bandied about for many years. Until recently, there has been relatively limited research to support some of the assumptions people have made. Over the last few years, I have teamed up with several researchers and we conducted multiple studies on shidduch dating. Recently, some of that significant data has begun to emerge. This is an exciting development as we gain a deeper understanding of the issue.

In the largest of the studies, we gathered numbers on marriage rates. That same study allowed participants to express their thoughts, experiences, and opinions on the subject of shidduch dating. I led a qualitative analysis of the responses. We published a paper titled “Struggles in the Jewish Orthodox Jewish Shidduch Dating System” in the Journal of Community Psychology. This paper highlights the pain that many individuals experience in the shidduch dating process. The difficulties were evident in the poignant voices of the participants. Many women noted the struggle of not being able to find a suitable marriage partner and lacking dates. As one responder wrote, “Great girls who will be incredible mothers and wives can go months without hearing any ideas, and they need to find ways to promote themselves just to be noticed by the right person with the hopes of getting a suggestion.”

Surprisingly, another strong finding emerged from the data: women felt pressured to get married before they felt ready (too young) and felt pressured to decide to marry someone in too short of a time span. Many women expressed that this pressure came directly from constantly hearing about a “shidduch crisis” and believing that there were not enough men for all the women in the Orthodox community.

In a separate study, we found that, on average, Orthodox single women and men believe that for every group of 100 single men there are 215 single women. This means that young girls and boys are walking around with the perception that more than 50% of women will be left without a spouse. As many participants noted, this belief has consequences. The negative impact that this belief has on daters was apparent in the text respondents. Many participants expressed the sentiment that “young women are placed at a serious disadvantage and expected to make all the accommodations.” Some noted that “there is a prevalent attitude in shidduchim where boys are made to feel like they have all the power and have the ability to choose from an endless list of girls. They don’t view shidduchim as a relationship that needs to be built but more of a contest and they are the judge.”

In another study, we found that there are actually mental health consequences to these beliefs. When one thinks that their gender is in oversupply and there are not enough marriage partners to go around, they are susceptible to increased anxiety and depression and decreased life satisfaction. We also found that when women believe there are not enough men, they are more likely to endorse settling for a spouse that may not be the best fit for them. Additionally, when men believe they are in undersupply, and they have the upper hand in the process, they are less likely to commit to relationships and become more selective in their dating criteria. In one of the more fascinating findings, we found that there are mental health consequences for men as well; when men believe there are more women available this can also lead to increased male depression and anxiety. We suspect that this is due to choice overload and feeling overwhelmed by having so many options. We also found that lack of dating opportunities and stigma in singlehood in the Orthodox community can lead to increased depression and anxiety and decreased life satisfaction for both genders.

The data shows that women believe that they have a 50% likelihood of not getting married. We found that these beliefs are severely skewed. We have evidence that people believe that there are more than double the amount of women than men in the shidduch scene. This, too, is far from reality. What we glean from our studies is that it is more likely that more than 95% of the Yeshiva Orthodox population gets married. Not everyone gets married in their early 20s, and lots of people get married throughout their 20s and 30s. While there is evidence that there are slightly more single women than men available after the age of 30, the difference is about 1% more, meaning 101 women for every

100 men – and not double as people believe. These numbers are powerful and can help reduce the pressure and stress around rushing into marriages out of fear. As one study participant noted, “Looking back, I have no idea why anyone allowed me to date so young – and I was always considered to be mature for my age. The past few months of my life have been my most challenging yet. I so badly wish we can stop putting this huge pressure on singles that ‘every day their dating pool gets smaller.’ I think that if we pushed off the beginning of ‘aggressive’ dating – even only a year or two – we would have much healthier marriages.”

Additionally, we found that when it comes to the age gap theory of a four year age difference between spouses, the actual age gap is closer to two years. This age gap may account for a slight increase in female availability, but the age-gap hypothesis should be reworked to account for the smaller age gap. There also may be other reasons accounting for slightly more female availability such as more men than women leaving the Orthodox community.

Importantly, in no way do these numbers discount the pain of those that are struggling in the shidduch system. Our qualitative analysis indicates that this process is extremely painful for many individuals. There is the pain of those wanting to get married but not finding suitable spouses and the pain

of those jumping into marriages out of fear of not getting married. There is the pain of those who are fully comfortable with their singlehood status yet feel the community looks down upon them.

These numbers are meant to bring the overall fear factor down and provide some relief and hope for those who are struggling. My hope is that the culmination of these varied research projects will serve to create new communal messages in the area of shidduchim. We now have the data to correct some of our unhealthy and unhelpful beliefs about this subject. Correcting these misper-

ceptions can lead to overall better wellbeing for both men and women. We should raise our daughters with messaging that they are one of a kind and any man would be lucky to marry them. Let them know that it is okay to start dating when they feel ready and that they do not need to worry about missing the boat or make fear-based decisions about whom to marry. We should teach our men that women are not a dime in a dozen and reduce the “plenty more fish in the sea” attitude that devalues our women. We should work towards reducing the stigma of singlehood at any age.

These studies, the largest studies ever conducted in the frum community, were six years in the making and many talented individuals put their time and effort into helping with this effort. Notably, my co-authors on the various publications include Yosef Sokol PhD, Isaac Schechter PsyD, Michael J. Salamon PhD, Craig Johnson PhD, Chayim Rosensweig, Chynna Levin, Devorah Bernstien PsyD and Shifra Hubner. Additionally, there were many individuals who worked on this research in different capacities over the years who deserve a big thank you! While the data needs further analysis and replication, the findings thus far are important.

While there is evidence that there are slightly more single women than men available after the age of 30, the difference is about 1% more, meaning 101 women for every 100 men – and not double as people believe.

Naomi Rosenbach PhD is a clinical psychologist and researcher. Her research focuses on factors that influence wellbeing in the Orthodox Jewish community.

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