Teen Talk

Dear Teen Talk,

I’m embarrassed to ask this but I’m willing to ask this if it’s

anonymous.

I live in Woodmere and am in tenth grade. The thing is that

I am in class with a lot of rich girls and my family is not so

wealthy. We are not poor, but we don’t have tons of money to

burn. These girls are very nice, but they don’t realize that not everybody has endless credit card accounts. They’re always going for pizza/drinks/

shopping after school. I go with them sometimes, but sometimes I have to say no because I can’t ask my

parents for more money to spend with my friends that week. Don’t even ask what they do on vacation or on weekends. They talk about what they do/going to do all the time.

I like hanging out with them, but I sometimes feel jealous of what they have or feel resentful that they don’t even

bother to think of all the money that they are spending.

I hate having these feelings and feel so badly when I do feel them.

What should I do?

Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

It is very big of you to write in with this question. I think this is something many people have a hard time with but it takes a lot to admit it.

No one ever wants to feel jealousy or resentment towards their friends, but sometimes we do because we’re human. I have definitely felt jealous of my friends at certain points and found it frustrating that they didn’t appreciate the things they had that I so badly wanted. No one wants to feel this way toward their friends, and I one hundred percent understand where your frustration is coming from.

However, as jealous as you may feel at times, it’s important for you to remember that feeling this way does not mean you are a bad person. You shared that you feel bad about the fact that you get jealous, and that says a lot about you! It’s easy for people to get stuck in a negative mindset because they allow themselves to think “how could I not be jealous? They have everything I don’t.” The truth is, thinking like that only ends up hurting a person more. You, however, are incredible in having recognized that there is no need to get caught up in such thoughts. Of course, this is a difficult situation. These girls are your friends, and it might feel like the only way to keep up with them is to have a limit-

less credit card. Even though you do have money to spend, it could feel like it’s never enough. This is an extremely frustrating situation that people face, and I promise you, you are not the only one.

Before we discuss how to approach it, it’s important to remember what a friendship is made up of. It takes two people to make up a friendship, two different people with different lives and different circumstances. You are different from each one of your friends, and they are different from each of theirs. It’s just how Hashem made us – different! But you know all of this already, you know that Hashem has given us different families, different talents, and even different financial circumstances. The hard part is reminding ourselves of this in the moments that it matters most.

Reminding ourselves that Hashem gave us everything we need is especially difficult when we are busy comparing ourselves to others. When you are out with your friends and they are spending money that you can’t afford to spend, telling yourself that this is what Hashem gave them and this is what Hashem gave you may not make the jealousy go away. However, it’s not meant to be a quick fix.

Yes, there are areas where you will not be like everyone else, but there are also areas where everyone else may not be like you, and that is OK! You have everything you could possibly need, and truthfully, I think that leaves you better than just “OK.” Hashem knows us better than we know ourselves and we have to let ourselves trust that He has given us exactly what we need, especially when we don’t feel it.

It’s possible that when you wrote in you Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

were looking for a practical solution such as giving yourself a budget at the beginning of the week to spend when you go out with your friends. Or the possibility of suggesting to your friends that you take a break from going out all the time and spend some time at each other’s houses instead. While both of those are definitely and that too is an amazing thing. Each and everything about you, the good and what may feel like the bad, is a gift from Hashem. If you take the time and put the effort into reminding yourself of that, I can guarantee you that it will make a difference. You will get to a place where these things won’t bother you

When you are out with your friends and they are spending money that you can’t afford to spend, telling yourself

that this is what Hashem gave them and this is what

Hashem gave you may not make the jealousy go away.

worth a try, I think what will make the biggest difference is a shift in perspective.

Even though you have been given so much by Hashem, it’s easy to feel like you’re lacking especially when you are in situations like the ones you describe. No, you may not have been given a family with an endless amount of money, but as you said, your family is not poor, and that alone is something to be thankful for. From what you shared, it sounds like you have very nice friends you enjoy spending time with, as much. It won’t matter what amount of money your friends’ families may have, because you’ll know deep down you have everything you need.

I would also like to share that it is not the worst thing in the world to go out with a friend and not buy something; sometimes it’s nice to go out just to spend time with them. I have gone out with my friends on drives or out shopping, and whether or not we spend money, we’ve always had a great time. It’s more about the company than what you do together. Either way, I wish you much hatzlacha, and I hope that this gives you a new perspective!

Daniella is originally from Houston, Texas, and recently moved to Baltimore, Maryland, after a year of seminary in Israel. She currently works in a school while studying for a degree in psychology.