11 minute read
Parenting Pearls
Encouraging Independence
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
Children, as adorable as they may be, are meant to become independent adults. We enjoy their sweet antics and childish behaviors but want them to eventually be capable of living on their own and raising their future families.
There are many years and much maturing between birth and adulthood. We take for granted some of the steps necessary to “graduate” to the next phase of life. While some aspects – such as most physical growth – are natural and don’t require much finetuning, other parts of development need strong parental guidance and encouragement.
There are two opposing forces we need to consider. If we never give our child the ability to act independently, then our child won’t learn or feel accomplishment. Alternatively, if we push them before they’re ready, then not only will they not progress but fear or feelings of incompetence can set in. Finding that perfect balance is unique to each child, and it may involve some parental support to attain.
I will try to provide various examples throughout but most of this article will be more generalized rather than specific. There are so many opportunities for our children to learn and develop independence that no article can cover every scenario.
Becoming more independent covers a wide range. It includes everything from a preschooler learning to go to the bathroom and bathe without assistance to a teenager becoming comfortable calling to inquire about a summer job. At each stage, our children will be transitioning from being helped to acting self-sufficiently.
According To the Child
We need to respect each child’s unique personality and specific level of development. Some children are, by their nature, more independent than others. Additionally, different temperaments may be more or less conducive to certain areas of independence. For example, an outgoing child may feel more comfortable asking a store employee for the price of an item than a quieter youngster.
We naturally assume that age is a major determining factor, and it certainly can’t be ignored. In practice, though, I’ve seen vast differences between children, age notwithstanding. It’s not uncommon to find children going out of order, with a younger sibling prepared for a milestone before an older one. An example of this is a younger but calmer sibling being able to sit in shul independently before an older but jumpier one.
We need to be realistic when creating expectations of what we expect from any given child at any point, not letting the experiences of other children cloud our judgment.
Providing Support
Kids need parental support as they begin to go out into the big world around them. This assistance comes in many forms. Which type of support our child needs for any particular task will depend on the nature of the situation and the child’s personal needs. Choose what support is necessary to best help your child meet their goals. Often, more than one type will be needed as they slowly learn how to manage a given situation.
Emotionally, our children need to know we see them as capable individuals, ones who are able to succeed and accomplish. If we don’t believe in them, then who will? Emotional support and love is one form of assistance that we should expect our children to need far into adulthood. Having a family that stands behind you and believes in you is a lifelong gift.
Our children need practical real-life experiences in order to learn how to do something independently. Like most things, they will only learn by doing. We can take advantage of appropriate situations as they arise to demonstrate the correct way of doing something. We can also help create the situation, when necessary. For example, we can ask our child to bring the item to the price checker in the store even if we’re capable of doing it ourselves.
Explain in advance the appropriate steps needed. Don’t be afraid to include even minor ones. A family brought home their newborn baby and allowed each child to hold the new baby for a photo featuring just the two of them. The preschooler held her new baby in the picture and then proceeded to drop the baby onto the chair when getting up. It seems nobody had told her that you can’t just drop the baby (the baby was fine and is now a healthy adult). What seems basic or obvious to us may not be so clear to a child. Walk them through what to expect, perhaps acting it out, as needed. For ex-
ample, before your little one lit the menorah, they were taught a few words about fire safety, how to hold the candle, to say the brachos out loud and then light from left to right before returning the shamash to an adult. You should keep it simple but don’t assume they know something.
For some jobs, you will want to actively assist or coach as they do it. Using our menorah example above, we may want to help the child light the menorah using hand over hand (our hand over theirs or over the candle, too) or say each step as they do it. When my children were learning how to do deposits at the bank, I would stand nearby to prompt or coach them on each step. You’d be surprised how much seems intuitive to us (like handing the teller the deposit slip) that isn’t obvious to the child. This can also be a form of emotional support for nervous children who can benefit from the reassurance of having a parent on hand.
Children who are further towards independence may only need a parent quietly standing on the sidelines. Rather than actively helping, the parent’s presence alone is comforting to the child and the parent can do nothing but remain within view. The child is permitted to do everything independently with parents only intervening if absolutely necessary. Sometimes providing support comes in the form of stepping away. It may seem counterintuitive but sometimes the best help we can give is to simply say, “I trust you” before we leave the room or immediate area. Some children will use a hovering parent as a crutch and not take the
full steps to independence as long as they can depend on someone else. In this situation, our presence is a hindrance.
A Complete Education
We have the chance to teach our children the appropriate way to behave in every situation, and this is no less a part of their chinuch. Rather than focusing only on the immediate task, we may want to include other subjects that will provide our child with the full picture. It’s far better to teach the topic correctly the first time than to unteach a mistake.
Halacha encompasses every aspect of our life, and it’s a true chessed to our children to show them, as appropriate, the halachically correct way to do something. A budding baker will want to learn how to check eggs before their first exciting batch of cookies. A young pre-Pe-
sach cleaning helper should learn what is and isn’t chometz so they don’t waste time needlessly dusting the window while eating a crumbling granola bar.
Proper middos are a basis for all interpersonal interactions. Teaching our children the correct way to address others and act with derech eretz is important. Some examples include how to answer the phone, ask a question, wait in line, or take turns. “Please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” go very far and are seen as common decency. While these are all obvious to us (so much so that it feels insulting to even include it in an article), children are often not aware of these basic interpersonal skills without being explicitly taught.
We also need to be sensitive to the fact that we live in a predominantly gentile culture that may have different norms than ours. Educating our child on how to make a kiddush Hashem in all they do is a gift to them now and for the future.
Safety is important as children learn to maneuver their world. For example, a child can’t bake cookies without knowing fire safety nor can a new chef cut an apple without learning about knives and sharp objects. A child needs to know how to safely carry hot food with two hands before helping themselves at a kiddush. A little knowledge can go a long way towards protecting themselves.
Seeing our children grow and develop into the adults they will become is an exciting part of parenthood. With our love and encouragement, the steps along the way can be that much smoother.
Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.
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