JWOW

When the Answer is That We Don’t Know

By Miriam Hendeles

Validation of feelings is a human need. But the need to be right all the time can become somewhat addictive or even pathological. You’d think that people these days would be winning large amounts of money to hear the words “that is correct” from their fellow posters or armchair arguers. Or even Shabbos table debaters. Why else would posters be rambling off righteous responses to every issue in the news? Why else would these people bristle at someone countering their thoughts of what they consider to be right and a moral way of doing things? Actually, acknowledging that one doesn’t know something is an art. And one that’s worth learning.

In the game of “Jeopardy!” the host reads aloud the answer and contestants (and audiences watching muttering under their breath!) have to come up with the question, using “who,” “what” or “where.”

Not easy. Coming up with answers to questions is hard, as is finding questions to answers. And the reward on these game shows is quite high – lots of money. And the answer has to come fast, before others.

I sometimes wonder if life has become some kind of game show where we think we have to be the first one to post the right answer. And that answer has to remain the right answer. Heaven forbid, we retract our opinion and say, “I was wrong,” or “You are right.”

Oh no, no, no. People stand firm on their ground, spouting continuous arguments to advance their point.

Social media has various types of posters. The arguers, the accusers, the name callers, the preachers, the holiermay not agree with you about X, Y, or Z, but I do see your point on A. Or B. Or C.” Meaning, this person would say to the other person, “You know, you’re right about such and such.”

The truth is that a bit of humility is in order here; none of us really knows the right answer to the question. Or the right question to the answer. Nothing is carved in stone in life.

Do we really, really know for sure what the answer is? Can we sometimes wait and let things play out and see what is true and correct and what is not? Can that attitude help us in our relationships? Can we sometimes reflect on our own behavior when someone else is upset and perhaps validate the other person’s feelings?

The older I get, the more I love the feeling of not knowing. The idea of letting go and not having to be right all the time is freeing to me. It takes too much energy to always strive to be right and less energy to just enjoy the present moment of seeing things from both sides and then wondering which side will prevail. Here’s what we do know (if we’re really being honest): That we don’t know everything for sure. We know that Hashem runs the world, and only He knows what the end results will be.

The answer is: That perfectly satisfying but sometimes elusive response when all efforts lead to trouble and arguments and disagreements.

What is “I don’t know”?

Ding, ding, ding!

Saying those words can be powerful. It may not get you that gorgeous car on a game show or millions of dollars on “Jeopardy!” But saying those words will enhance your relationships and improve your humility skills.

I sometimes wonder if life has become some kind of game show where we think we have to be the first one to post the right answer.

than-thou-ers, the shouters (in caps), the sighers. Then there are the “agreeto-disagreers,” the listeners, the sighers, the doomsayers. And finally, there are the blockers, and the posters-of-links-toprove-their-point.

But I have yet to find the following type of poster: The one who says, “You know, I