Dear Teen Talk,

I am in tenth grade in a local high school. My best friend and I have been in school today since first grade. She has always been a great student and top of the class. She initially struggled a little bit in the transition to high school but was able to adapt fairly quickly and continue to make top grades.

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I am noticing behaviors recently that are concerning me about my friend… Although studying has always been a priority to her, that now seems to be escalating. She spends all of her time doing homework, reviewing her notes, or studying for tests. She speaks endlessly about getting accepted into a top university and going on to medical school… She does every extra credit assignment, and her entire self-esteem seems to be wrapped up in her grades. It’s great that she has all of these goals, but isn’t high school supposed to be a time to have fun with your friends also?

She won’t go out with me on Sundays, because she is always studying. She barely attends group gatherings. She doesn’t participate in extracurricular activities... she does not seem to have fun at all. Is this normal behavior for someone who has her eye set on the prize or are my instincts right that something seems to be off?

-A concerned friend

Dear Concerned Friend, Thank you so much for writing in and trusting your instincts to know when something feels off. The first item to discuss is when does what seems to be a normal, healthy behavior cross the line into being something that is actually unhealthy? And the an - swer to that is when the behavior escalates to the point where it interferes with normal, daily, age-appropriate functioning. Although having goals in life and applying yourself in school is very important, based on your description, it does sound like this has crossed over that line. The importance of friends cial outlets completely in favor of studying. She is also not yet a senior in high school or even a junior where it would be “normal” and socializing is built into the genetic makeup of a teenager. Although that looks different in every adolescent, it seems in this case your friend is choosing to shun so - for acceptance into university to be at the forefront of her mind.

It’s great that she has all of these goals, but isn’t high school supposed to be a time to have fun with your friends also?

Many people are familiar with the term anxiety and have an idea of what that means. What fewer people may realize is that anxiety can manifest itself very strongly in academic areas. Studying every hour of the day, shunning social activities, and having the mindset of having to be “perfect” in this area can actually be symptoms of an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Similarly, if you notice that your friend does not seem happy, and is always stressed and pressured, that is another sign that something may be going on beneath the surface. There may be a danger here of complete burnout when the “perfection” is not achieved, of just giving up completely, and then falling into a depression. I would strongly encourage you to seek out an adult you trust and discuss your concerns with them, whether it is a teacher, the social worker at the school, or possibly even your friend’s parents (if you have a close relationship with them). Make it clear that you are concerned for your friend and the pressure she is putting on herself and you feel that in the last year her behaviors have crossed a boundary. Your friend may be in need of some help, but the good news is that there are incredibly vast resources out there that can really provide the help she needs and help her succeed in a much healthier, stronger way.

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Wishing you luck!