Pulling It All Together

The

Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Thank you for writing into the panel. You are in a bit of a sticky situation, feeling as though you are holding important information that could potentially hurt your brother. You want to give your brother the information so he can make an informed decision and “know” the person he is dating. Looking at the bigger picture. I feel the need to say that it is quite possible that this girl has matured since her year in Israel, that she no longer associ - ates with these people, and that even being a “party girl” in Israel does not necessarily mean anything is “wrong” or questionable about this person. Outside of Orthodoxy and within the context of human development, partying at the age of 18 or 19 years old can be pretty “normal” and age-appropriate. It is also quite possible that your brother already knows this and doesn’t care because of who this young woman is today In other words, you may not be “breaking it to him.”

If you feel it absolutely necessary to share this information with him (and that is a personal decision), the best way to do it is without judgment and without insinuation of what he should do. I would refrain from language like “I don’t know how to say this,” which insinuates that there is an actual problem or that he doesn’t already know. You don’t want your brother to feel judgment or that you have an opinion about this girl, because, if he does marry her, he will never forget that you “warned” him about the woman he adores. Try to stick with something along the lines of “I love you and I wasn’t sure how to handle this. Please forgive me if I’m overstepping, I just didn’t want to hold on to this and keep this from you. So and so hung out with a party crowd during her year in Israel.” That’s it.

Think long and hard before you make this decision because if she is a wonderful person today, and treats your brother well and he makes her happy, I’m not sure how relevant yesterday is.

All the best, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.