School of Thought

By Etti Siegel

Q:Dear Etti, I don’t get it. It says “V’shinantam l’vanecha” – that parents should teach their children the story of Yetziyas Mitzrayim, but from the amount of divrei Torah that come home, I think rebbeim and morahs think that it is “V’shinantam l’avichem!” My children want to teach me everything at the Seder. Every year, they get upset if I call on another child and they have more to say, or if I want to share something but they have another drash to give over. What do rebbeim and morahs want from us? What is the purpose of the pages and pages of divrei Torah that hold me hostage at my Seder?

-Trying to Run the Seder

A:Dear Trying to Run the Seder, Below is a true story of a Gadol discussing your very question in V’Haish Moshe by Aaron Berry, printed in Bnei Brak in 1989, found on www.torah.org. I was humbled to have found it to validate my thoughts.

Harav Shimon Schwab, zt”l, once jokingly commented during one of his Shiurim on the Haggadah that today we have a new mitzvah of “ V’higgadita l’avicha” – And you shall tell your father! Our children come home from school weighed down with divrei Torah and Question and Answer sheets and are bursting to share their wealth of knowledge with us. However, we must bear in mind that the Torah explicitly states that the manner of the Haggadah must be “ Ki yishalchah binchah” – When your son asks you. The child must do the asking, not the parent. If the parent is asking questions and the child is providing the parent with the answers that he learned in school, their roles are reversed. This specifically rules out use of Question & Answer sheets that the children bring home. (This is not to say that they shouldn’t be used at all. They can be used during the daytime Seudos when there is no specific mitzvah of Haggadah). The divrei Torah that add to and illuminate the actual story of Yetzias Mitzrayim may be shared. However, care must be taken that younger siblings should not be distracted from the mitzvah at hand. It is your Seder. Own it.

It is your Seder. Own it.

During the other meals, allow the little children to say “Mah Nishtana” again and show you their projects again and again (why not? They are so cute and excited!), have different children share all their divrei Torah at meals as planned in advance, invite older children to share at the night meals and try to really tune in. Children are also not competing for your attention at other meals because the meals are mapped out – who says what, and when. Trinkets and candy are still distributed as children listen to one another and compliment and engage appropriately.

Be Proactive

Dr. Ross Green, author of The Explosive Child and Lost at School, believes that if the children are part of the problem, make them part of the solution! He calls it Collaborative Problem Solving.

Sit them down and ask in a neutral way, “I have been noticing that you all have so much to share about the Hagaddah, but the Sedarim are not a good time to share everything. There are day meals and Shabbos meals. How do you think we should divide up the time so I can hear from you all? I am so excited!”

Watch your children amaze you as they work out the solution. Listen, maybe even take notes, and say, “This sounds really great. Let me think about it (run it by your mother?) and see if there is anything we need to tweak before we set this schedule.” Talking in advance allows the children to think calmly and rationally, and they, too, might think of a quick fix before yom tov arrives.

Have trinkets and candy/chocolate to give out at the Seder as the Shulchan Aruch advises.

Ask questions, be excited, and show the children how happy you are to share and be at the Seder with them.

Two places to order little prizes for all ages are Rhode Island Novelty at www.rinovelty.com and Oriental Trading Company at www.orientaltrading.com . The food is not kosher, but they have many small items that can be used as motivational treats.

Plan for Success

Preplanning is key for educators, and at the Seder, you are the Master Educator. Look through the Haggadah and decide what your focus will be and what you want to share. Make sure you have your audience in mind. Don’t expect children to sit though straight reading of the Haggadah, or lengthy commentary that is over their heads.

Have a chag kasher v’sameach, and lots of Yiddishe

-Etti

P.S. Don’t forget to send in a note of appreciation to your children’s rebbeim and morahs after Pesach. The more specific the note, the more meaningful it is. They put so much heart into teaching your precious children what they know.