Dear Navidaters,

I have been dating a great guy for three months and I’m ready to end it. I know he is going to be heartbroken and not see this coming. I just don’t feel within my gut that he is right for me. He has given me lots of gifts such as jewelry, brand name sunglasses, gorgeous handbags. This is making it so much harder to end the relationship because I know how much he invested. Do I have to return all of these items? Should I offer to give them back to him? I don’t want to hurt him more than I already have. Any advice would be helpful.

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Ithink what you are saying is that you don’t want to complicate the breakup further by bringing material things into it. It seems that you care that he not be hurt further and that this will come as a surprise to him. However, what comes across in your communication is that you are aware that his purchase of expensive gifts for you may have been an expression of his feelings. You may not have communicated your own feelings as the relationship developed. You may also have easily accepted these gifts without thinking. Perhaps acceptance communicated your feelings, too. Gifts are one of the love languages, remember that.

It could also be that he was dazzling you with expensive items in order to impress you.

It is for this reason that dating couples in the Jewish world don’t give each other expensive gifts until commitments are happening. In our world, we date for marriage and accepting gifts implies commitment and feelings. In the future, don’t accept gifts until you are ready to commit. Learn from this experience.

What to do now is your question, however. Once he understands that your relationship is over (and that may take more than one conversation), do offer to return the gifts. That is the mature, responsible thing to do.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Mazal tov on gaining clarity in your relationship. It sounds like the love language of the guy you are dating is gifting. You are ready to end the re - lationship but still have lots of physical memorabilia. I can understand why that is very uncomfortable for you. It is especially hard to break up with someone when they have invested a lot of money in you. It leaves you feeling awkward and uncomfortable like you owe them something in return; you almost feel guilty breaking up the relationship. This is why the mehalech in religious dating is to refrain from gift giving until the engagement.

I do not believe he expects you to return all of the items that he gave you. In the moment, he felt it was right to spend, wine and dine you. When a couple ends a relationship, they do not have to pretend it did not happen. A couple can learn many things from past relationships, and take forward with them all of the things they learned to help them grow as people and in future relationships.

In my opinion, offering to give everything back is like a slap in the face. The way you felt about each other in those moments were very real, and there is no purpose in trying to erase history. What you can do, however, is specifically thank him for all of the presents and ask him if there is anything that he has given to you that he specifically wants back. Make it more like you are looking out for his needs rather than you specifically wanting to give everything back.

Hatzlacha with the breakup, and with everything in the future.

The Single

Tzipora Grodko

I’m so happy that you have clarity of mind and feel confident about your decision. The most respectful and best decision you can make for both of you is to take honest action based on how you’re feeling. Any decision out of pressure or guilt only prolongs the inevitable and can cause more pain. Feeling bad about a breakup is natural, especially since it’s the one area in a person’s life where they confidently know that their decisions are directly causing discomfort or distress for someone else. Feel proud of your clear head – you got this, girl.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Let’s choose to not discuss why you have accepted expensive gifts when you were not certain about the relationship. Instead, let’s focus on how to break up with your boyfriend and what to do with the gifts you’ve received.

How to breakup

I searched for good advice. First, according to www.wikihow.com/Break-Upwith-Your-Boyfriend, “Don’t put off the conversation once you’re sure it’s what you want. Dragging it out will be harder on him in the long-run.”

Second, according to Sara Schewitz, PsyD., “Meet him somewhere that’s somewhat private. Ask him to go for a walk with you or meet up with him at a park or somewhere similar. That way, once it’s done, you can go your separate ways. If you are unsure of how he’ll react, schedule the meeting in a more public place, like a coffee shop.”

Third, according to Psychology Behavioral Health at Nemours Children’s Health:

1. Tell him that you want to talk about something important.