Pulling It All Together

Thank you for writing into the panel. First and foremost, I want to say that it is wonderful that you have chosen to end a relationship that does not serve you or grow you as a person. Most women I have had the pleasure and honor of working with during the decision-making part of a breakup tend to feel badly about it. It never feels good to hurt someone else, and we are always taught to be kind to others. We are taught to put others before ourselves. This is a beautiful sentiment, and there is a definite time and place for this rule of life. But the time and place for this rule is defi- nitely not in the arena of re - lationships. When we date someone, we are not guarantee- ing a future, and the kindest and hardest thing to do is to break up when you know in your heart of hearts that you are not happy.

What to do with that jewelry? I did a quick Google search after reading your question… “Should I give my ex-boyfriend back the jewelry he gave to me?” And wouldn’t you know? There are so many different answers. It seems to boil down to what you are most comfortable with. If

2. Start by mentioning something you like or value about him. For example: “I really like you and I’m glad we’ve gotten to know each other.”

3. Say what’s not working (your reason for the break-up). For example: “I like you as a friend, but not as a permanent partner.”

4. Say, “So, I want to break up.”

5. Say you’re sorry if this hurts. For example: “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry if this isn’t the way you wanted things to be.”

6. Say something kind or positive. For example: “I’m glad that I got to know you. I’m sure there will be another girl who is just perfect for you.”

What to do about gifts

While legally, the gifts are your property, it would be a thoughtful gesture to return them.

Without question, expensive jewelry or heirlooms should definitely be returned. And, it would be best to return these at the breakup, in order to make it clear that the breakup is final and irrevocable.

When it comes to other expensive gifts, what would you do with them? Will you hang on to them as a happy reminder of an enjoyable relationship? Will you store them away, never to be seen again? Will they be a constant reminder of a sad misadventure? Will you give them to a relative who can use them?

On one of those ubiquitous online forums someone wrote, “By returning the gifts, it allowed me to confirm that the relationship was over, close this chapter and move on.” Another wrote, “Return certain gifts swiftly, rather than clinging onto them and making your ex ask for them.” it feels wrong to keep it, or like you are holding onto his energy that you’d like to release, then return it. There is nothing “wrong” with keeping it. It is a keepsake of the time you had together. You are not an investment. I think most women keep jewelry, and some return the pieces. And of the ones who offer to return, most are told to keep it because it was a gift. Perhaps some may disagree, but when a man comes on very strong with an army of designer and brand name, high end gifts, this makes me raise an eyebrow. Was he investing in the relationship, or did he have something to prove or gain? Does he feel confident in himself to show up without all that stuff? Nice things are nice, and most women love a nice gift. That’s in our nature. But any over-thetop behavior in a relationship (like tons of expensive gifts early on) may be telling of something else.

Best wishes for successful, future relationships.

I’m curious if you asked him about all the expensive gifts along the way and what he said. Also, I’m curious how you felt getting all this stuff and if you have any insight into why he may have made all these over-the-top purchases in three months. Please do not feel guilty for a moment over his choice to purchase. You didn’t twist his arm. It was his decision, knowing full well it may not work out. Sometimes, people go full blast over-the-top with an outrageous parade of presents because they don’t know how else to “keep” you interested. They think they have to buy you. It was his choice. Don’t take that on. And it is genuinely your choice what you do with it.

Best of luck making the decision!

Sincerely, Jennifer