School of Thought

By Etti Siegel

Q:Dear Etti, I am horrified. I believe the school crossed a line, and I want you to address it.

My husband and I were called into a meeting and told, not straight out but I am smart enough to get the gist, that our daughter is spoiled. I think there are some jealous parents who are filling the administration’s ears with vile thoughts. We are an upstanding family. Is it so terrible that we give our children nice clothes and items? We can afford to. And lest you think we are a selfish family, we give plenty of tzedakah and our children know how much we value chessed and giving to others.

You have the ear of schools, teachers, and parents alike. Share how no one can judge what goes into other people’s homes.

-Irritated at Others’ Judgement

A:Dear Feeling Judged, I can see that you are definitely irritated, but I beg you to take a step back and reassess the situation. Maybe the administration was simply trying to help you with your daughter and not trying to judge you. In fact, I commend them for having the difficult conversation! It cannot be easy for a school that needs all the financial support they can get to risk annoying you or your husband. There must be a true feeling of caring they have for your daughter to call you and your husband into a meeting for such a sensitive topic.

I have to share a secret from the teacher’s side of the desk. Not only wealthy and well-to-do families run the risk of raising a spoiled child. I have seen children from low-income houses act spoiled as well.

The good news is that, especially for a family such as yours that values chessed and giving, spoiled behavior is a learned behavior, so it can be unlearned. Your child(ren) might not appreciate it at first, and you might find it challenging, but the results are worth it. Parenting styles that are too permissive and giving actually prevent children from building the ability to handle adversity and limits their ability to build resilience, a necessary component to living a successful life.

To truly carry forth your values and family legacy, you can teach your child(ren) to wear nice clothing and have the latest things and still not be spoiled.

Even if you disagree with the premise that your child is spoiled, the school is seeing some behavior that concerns them. That should concern you. Put aside your feelings and begin fact-finding and helping your child.

Dr. Michelle Borba is an educational psychologist and the author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine and UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. She shares some practical tips that help parents raise children into successful and empathetic adults.

• It is okay, and even beneficial, to say “no” to your children.

• Give praise to reinforce good values.

• Build appreciation, a gratitude attitude.

• Delay gratification

• Consider other people’s feelings

• Make giving, not getting, the important message in your family

1. It is okay, and even beneficial, to say “no” to your children.

Parents want to have happy children. But truly happy children are not children who get whatever they want whenever they want. Research shows that children who are raised with structure and boundaries are happier than children raised in very permissive homes where the word “no” is rarely heard (Child self-esteem and different parenting styles of mothers: A cross-sectional study, March 2017). Say no with a short explanation, realizing that saying yes can be detrimental in the long run. “I know you want that dress, but you have three Shabbos dresses already and another one is unnecessary.” Or “It’s time for homework and then you can play.” The word no does not have to feature in the sentence, but firmness with love does, and your child should not be able to change your mind just by wearing you down. Think of the bigger picture. Giving in now means she never has rules to follow, a worrisome idea for a growing child.

2. Give praise to reinforce good values.

Instead of asking your child about test marks, or complimenting her on how pretty she looks, praise her for doing something nice for or with another person. Ask, “What was something nice you did for someone today?” and share the ways you helped others as well. Your daughter wants to please you, so show her that caring about others and doing nice things for others makes you happy!

3. Build Appreciation, a Gratitude Attitude. You can give your daughter everything money has to buy, and she can still be unhappy. Her classmates can have almost nothing and be happy every day. The difference is in life perception. Families I know report going around the dinner table and sharing one thing they are grateful for that happened that day. Others say they ask the question as their child gets home from school, and others tell me they share gratitude before bed. Everyone who practices an attitude of gratitude reports a higher level of happiness in their children and in their home.

Research shows that an attitude of gratitude helps children cope better with life challenges, feel happier overall, and actually increases their overall satisfaction with life.

4. Delay gratification.

Over five studies that I found in my research (and I am sure there are so many more), show that when children can wait, instead of expecting and receiving everything right away, academic and financial success is more likely. Being able to delay gratification is a sign of willpower, a great muscle to develop to succeed in life.

Put a shopping trip on the calendar instead of going when your daughter complains she needs something. Ask your child to give someone a turn first.

5. Consider other people’s feelings.

An example is to ask your child to think about the other person’s point of view. “How did the other child feel when you said that? What could you have said instead? What can you do about it now?” Empathetic people are kinder people. We want our children to care about others.

6. Make giving, not getting, the important message in your family.

How can you create opportunities for giving? Does your child have to go through his/her closet and choose items to give away before getting other items? Can she be a “mother’s helper” to a family down the block that could use a little reprieve, not for pay but just to give? Does she know how to say “thank you” for a gift she does not want, to make the giver feel good? Setting limits on how much your child should be owning is important. Excess does not equal happiness. Having so much more than others does not ensure friendships or feelings of security.

Hatzlacha.

-Etti

We just celebrated the giving of the Torah. I hope it was a joyous day for all TJH readers. Outsiders may question the benefit of having external rules and limitations, mistakenly thinking that halacha is oppressive. As insiders, we can appreciate the value of divine structure. For example, when others see marriage as limiting or unnecessary, we recognize the beauty of a relationship untainted by others. Rather than being restrictive, our total commitment to our spouse requires that we invest in this unique relationship.

It’s the very restrictions of Shabbos that maintain the sanctity of the holy day. Rather than stifling our enjoyment, we’re required to take a step back from our weekly stresses and focus on those around us and that which is within us.

Kids, too, require limits and restrictions to develop properly. Rules aren’t only to prevent kids from playing with knives and running in the street, they also help teach children to respect themselves and their surroundings as