Setting the Standard

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

well as learn self-control. It’s often all too obvious when you see a child who is raised without limitations – and it’s not too pleasant. Even something simple like table manners can be the difference between a child who is welcome in the home of others or the child who nobody wants to invite. Rather than be hefker, children require our loving guidance, support and encouragement. Developing boundaries is one part of that.

Too many rules can be stifling, and we want to maintain a happy balance. That balance will differ per child as well as by each stage of development. The main constant is that our children need to recognize our rules stem from love and our desire to see them grow into the mature individuals they are meant to become.

Rhyme and Reason

There are many different types of rules and expectations we have throughout life. Some are universal, while others are more cultural or family specific.

Part of growing up is understanding what’s expected of us at different times and learning to match our behavior with what’s appropriate.

Some rules are basic safety precautions. This is the “don’t run with knives” category. For their own safety, children need to learn to cross the street carefully or to wait for an adult to help them. They learn to not go near strangers and to avoid eating random things from the dirt. These rules are mostly universal.

Some rules are common courtesy and manners. These are important but for different reasons. This category includes saying “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” or not drinking from someone else’s water bottle. It also means we hold the door for others and not sneeze into our hand before offering to shake. These rules not only show respect to others but also make us more pleasant to be around.

Our unique cultural needs will naturally give us our own set of rules. “Fitting in” to the local community includes understanding these community specific standards. Many gentiles who interact with our community often will make the effort to learn these differences. It’s thoughtful and a sign of respect when they know to not shake hands with the opposite gender or they try to find a kosher establishment for business meetings.

There are also personal sensitivities that individuals or communities have. This may be the person who prefers to not eat standing up or the community that doesn’t use first names for the opposite gender.

To function within society it’s crucial that our children learn how to interact with others and what is and isn’t appropriate. Even just knowing that we don’t knock on a neighbor’s door too early or too late is important for children to know.

The Basics

It’s our job as their loving adults to ensure they understand all these fancy standards that exist. Whenever we set limits or make a rule, we want to be clear, consistent and fair.

Our standards need to be clear, and it’s unfair to our children when we leave them confused about our expectations. For example, if we say “don’t go too far,” we need to define “too far” since our understanding of “too far” will certainly differ from that of our child. “Stop at the white fence” is objective. The clearer we can be, the more likely they will respond appropriately. Children can be very literal and concrete thinkers. “Don’t call too late” is vague, even for an older child. “No calls after 10:00” is specific. We should be consistent, and if we make a rule, then we need to enforce it. It’s better to avoid too many regulations because it can be tiring playing a police officer all day. Inconsistency also teaches children to ignore their adults and may erode parental authority. We have to use seichel, and we can make it clear when there is an exception. “Usually, you can’t drink in this room, but I’m making an exception for your water bottle while you’re sick.”

Rules can’t be haphazard. While children don’t always need to understand the reason behind the limits we place on them, there should be a purpose behind them. It’s our job to guide them and educate them, but we don’t need to be needlessly bossy.

It’s not necessary for children to understand everything we say nor do we owe them an explanation. It’s best when we can give a reason and helpful for them to see the cause and effect, but, ultimately, they need to follow our rules joy doing gymnastics on their friends’ couch (which their family permitted). Different places have different expectations, and children need to learn how to behave in each environment. For example, the decorum at a kiddush is different from that of a wedding, and their behavior needs to change accordingly. because we care for them and (hopefully) know better.

As parents, we teach by example. We should behave the way we want our children to follow. For example, parents that refrain from speaking lashon hara at the table will have very different conversations than families that consider local gossip their main pastime. We certainly can’t engage in such hateful speech yet demand our children show restraint. If we want our child to use cutlery when eating, then we need to avoid using our fingers during meals. Similarly, parents that behave in a dignified manner can hope their children will follow.

Years ago, we often hosted the children of family friends who were more relaxed than we were. Their mother had patiently explained to them where our rules differed, and the children quickly acclimated. They were careful to remember to respect our family’s house rules and our kids learned to en-

Similarly, each family has their own rules and children need to respect those regulations wherever they are.

Children, especially teens, can be far more self-conscious than we appreciate, and we want to avoid embarrassing them. We can be mindful that our rules should not needlessly embarrass them, nor should we correct or criticize them in front of others.

Educating our children to be respectful and appropriate in all situations they encounter is giving them a gift. Interpersonal relationships can be complicated, but when trained from a young age to respect others and themselves, our children will be one step closer to learning to create the bonds that are so necessary with others.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at Rayvych Homeschool@gmail.com.