What Would You Do If… Dear Navidaters,

I just got engaged to a wonderful girl after a few months of dating. Our first Shabbos post-engagement, I went to my kallah’s neighborhood for Shabbos, staying at a neighbor but spending most of the long Shabbos at my future in-laws’ house. At one point, I excused myself to use the bathroom and used my kallah’s en suite bathroom where I noticed on the counter several prescription bottles. Some names I recognized as common prescriptions and others were for more specific conditions like ADHD and anxiety. Others I didn’t even recognize and can’t remember the names.

I’m understanding that everyone is entitled to be the best they can be emotionally and mentally, but my issue is that this is the first I’m hearing about potential mental health concerns. She never mentioned it to me during the four months of dating, and now I don’t know how to continue to the chuppah as I feel a betrayal of sorts that she has hidden this from me. I want to discuss it with her, but how can I trust her at this point?

Thanks.

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Eli, you are responding on two levels. One, there seems to be a trust issue. Two, there may be a mental health issue. It is advisable to communicate with your kallah with care, sensitivity, and respect. Getting guidance is an important key to handling this successfully. You want to prepare proper language that doesn’t come across as confrontational and suspicious of her. You don’t want a whole family aligned to see you as the enemy and start becoming antagonistic either. Pull your team together (therapist, rav, mentor, parents) and get coached to speak with care. You may also want to role play with a member of your team so that you don’t lose it and keep the tone positive and supportive.

They may suggest asking questions with care. This is a very delicate matter you don’t want to flub. Be smart and get good help.

Another thought to keep in mind. She may have been advised not to share all the facts.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

Dear Eli, Thank you so much for coming to us with your question. I have a few thoughts to share. I have a feeling that she might have thought this information was relayed to you by the matchmaker after one of the earlier dates. The reason I do not think she was openly hiding things from you is due to the fact that her prescriptions were out on her counter. If you were using her en suite bathroom, which she clearly gave you permission to use, she probably knew you would see them. If she was trying to hide them from you, she’d have hid them in her sock drawer before your arrival. Having delicate information relayed indirectly to the single after a fourth or fifth date is very common. I wonder if her family tried disclosing this, and you did not get the message?

Another theory I would like to share with you is about the anxiety meds in particular. There are common meds that kallah teachers suggest their kallahs receive from their OBGYN in order to “regulate” or create a predictable wedding date. This medication causes extreme anxiety and sometimes depression, which then leads to many kallahs ending up on anxiety meds. This is a sensitive topic which I am sure she would not want to (or need to) share with you due to the short-term use of this medication. However, now that you have seen the meds, you have every right to speak to her about it. On your next date, bring it up in conversation with your kallah. Tell her the open and honest truth; the way she reacts to your message will tell you everything.

Remember, Eli, everything that happens is meant to be. This was all orchestrated, and there is nothing you could have done to change history. You must move forward with the information you are given. Once she talks to you about it openly and honestly, you can then assess if this is a situation you are comfortable with.

I wish you much hatzlacha with the conversation!

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Should singles disclose negative information about themselves to the person they are dating? And, if so, when should this happen? How should Eli react to what he just discovered, and what should he do about it?

First, before making lifetime commitments to each other, potential spouses should certainly practice full disclosure about relevant negatives.

Specifically, it is important to disclose:

“I had a broken engagement last year.”

“When I was nine years old, I had a serious illness, but I am fully cured.”

“I get chronic migraine headaches several times a month, and I take medication for that.”

“Recently, my father had the misfortune of serving a two-year jail sentence.”

On the other hand, it is not necessary to report:

“I failed the geometry final in tenth grade.”

“I really liked the last girl that I dated, but she didn’t like me.”

“My high school Rebbe said that I would never be a talmid chochom.”

Second, when in a relationship is it time for full disclosure?

In very orthodox, shidduch-style dating, there seems to be a hard and fast rule for total honesty, when the relationship has progressed to the third date. I clearly remember one of my daughters coming home from her third date with the young man she eventually married, smiling happily, and very relieved to report that after their “total disclosure” date, they decided to keep seeing each other.

In other circles, “full disclosure” should hap -