Pulling It All Together

Dear Eli,

When we learn that a loved one has been keeping a secret from us, it almost always feels like a betrayal. While I’m not sure we have to reveal everything about our pasts when dating, it is certainly imperative to reveal current circumstances and situations that may affect our partner. Leaving her pill bottles out on the bathroom count - er leaves me wondering if she has been struggling all along wanting to tell you and battling some shame surrounding her medications.

There is going to be no way to remove your valid feelings or to find a pen in those nebulous moments when the couple begins to realize that they’re in a “serious” relationship that might lead to a lifetime partnership.

Third, how should our worried letter-writer react to his discovery of the prescriptions?

I would venture a not-so-obvious observation. Doesn’t it seem strange that the young lady directed Eli to use the bathroom connected to her bedroom, while knowing full well that her prescriptions were openly visible on the countertop?

We are all familiar with the concept of the child who “stole the chocolate cookie from the cookie jar,” but consciously, or unconsciously, wanted to get caught, by leaving a trail of crumbs to his bedroom and a large residue of chocolate on his hands and face.

Is it possible that this was the kallah’s way of trying to inform Eli about her problem, but was, perhaps, too shy or embarrassed to raise the subject directly?

In any event, at this point, it is time for him to have a meaningful discussion with the woman he loves.

He needs to say something like, “Because we love each other, and want to spend a happy lifetime together, we need to always be totally honest with each other. I didn’t mean to snoop, but I saw some of your prescription bottles in your bathroom. Please tell me about them.” quick replacement for the trust that has been lost. The feelings you are feeling are completely normal, human and healthy. You don’t need to know whether or not you can trust her again right now. In my opinion, you need to speak with your kallah about what you found in her bathroom and hear her out. You may be able to not only work through this as a couple but come out on the other side stronger and feeling more connected because of it. You may also come out of the conversation realizing that your kallah does not value honesty and vulnerability the way that you do.

If the prescriptions are for problems like Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, these syndromes can be troublesome, but there are effective treatments to manage the symptoms. So, Eli, even though you may feel aggrieved about not having been informed about the situation earlier in the relationship, you will probably wish to proceed with your wedding plans.

However, beware. What if it’s a more serious problem? There are major ramifications to living with a person who suffers with serious illnesses like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.

Here’s hoping that the problems are minimal, that you can restore mutual trust in each other, and that you can enjoy a long, happy, healthy marriage together.

After you learn about why she withheld the information, you’re going to have to trust your gut. Sometimes, people withhold things because of deep shame or parents and other influential figures in their lives instructing them to do so. And sometimes, people aren’t trustworthy. The most important thing is that you be honest with yourself about whether or not this will be something that you will be able to move on from.

All the best, Jennifer