Privacy Without Shame

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Iwas recently privy to an important and fascinating discussion. A parent was asking about teaching children that their bodies are private while not encouraging a feeling that their body is shameful. Unfortunately, too often, children get the erroneous message that there must be something wrong with their bodies if they need to be hidden.

Teaching a respect for both their privacy and themselves is an important part of their chinuch. Our bodies are holy vessels that permit us to live a life of Torah, mitzvos and service of Hashem. Rather than consider our physical selves dirty or sinful, we can appreciate having a more healthy and positive view of our bodies. Our children, too, should recognize they are special inside and out.

The awareness that we are a tzelem Elokim naturally encourages us to maintain our dignity by covering a certain amount of our bodies. While different communities may have differing standards, both men and women maintain a level of dress they feel befits their status as dignified individuals.

Reading the above paragraphs, you’ll notice that I’ve tried to use positive terms – “dignified,” “special,” and “holy.” Covering doesn’t need to mean we’re hiding something we’re embarrassed of, and privacy need not include shame or disgust. We don’t hide because there’s something wrong with us but because that’s the proper way to behave. For example, some people are makpid to not walk around the house unclothed (even when alone) because we’re sensitive to our dignity, not because our bodies are unappealing.

Privacy in Children

Children are different from adults, and privacy will look very different to us and to our much younger counterparts. One major difference is that, as adults, we can appreciate the reasons why we keep certain things private. Children need time to develop this sensitivity and awareness. As an example, infants will rip off their diapers and try to escape bare bottomed, laughing and giggling as they go. Certain things are so obviously private to us but not so clear to children. It may be helpful to give some examples of areas where children don’t naturally have this awareness.

The most obvious example is that little kids often don’t notice if they’re clothed. I remember the surprise I experienced as a young teen walking into a camp classroom right after a coed nursery bunk had returned from swimming.

These adorable, innocent youngsters had stripped off their bathing suits and were walking around in that state, shmoozing with each other as their counselors attempted to get their crew back into shorts and t-shirts. I was soon informed how this surprising behavior was normal for that age category.

This carries over into children not being mindful of body coverage, in general. This is often seen in somewhat older girls who will do handstands and other gymnastics, not aware of their clothing flying.

Children are also unaware that body functions are considered to be personal matters. As cute as it is when a baby burps or lets out some air, it’s no longer seen as adorable when your teenage son does it at the Shabbos table. Similarly, kids have no hesitancy sharing their bathroom stories. Teens will be mortified sharing their bowel functions with medical personnel, while younger children will happily discuss it as part of their socializing. This openness can be seen when children neglect to close the bathroom door when they use the facilities or bathe/shower.

According to the Child

Children will understand the need for personal privacy at different ages, and this is quite normal. I’ve seen young chil- dren be very aware of their bodies alongside much older children who wouldn’t notice if their clothing fell right off as they walked down the street.

Additionally, different children will reach the various levels of awareness at their own pace and in their own order. For example, a child may refuse to change in front of others, yet will run across the hall completely undressed to get into the bathroom. Again, as bizarre as this inherent contradiction may seem, it, too, is normal.

It’s natural that as children grow and mature, they will inherently begin to recognize this need for privacy without adult assistance. Many children won’t need anything more than time and patience to gain this important awareness.

Children with special needs may not gain this awareness alongside their peers. Their parents may benefit from speaking with the professionals already assisting their child about this concept.

Encouraging Awareness

As mentioned above, most children will reach this natural awareness on their own and don’t need more than parental patience. Just as they learn to use the potty on their own timetable, they’ll learn to close the door on their own schedule, as well.

We put up a gate to prevent my toddler from wandering up the stairs. She realized that the gate was meant to be closed but didn’t recognize the purpose was to prevent her from getting out. Whenever the gate was accidentally left open, she quickly ran up the stairs but made sure to close the gate behind her. She understood the behavior (gate needs to be shut) but not the purpose (to stop her). As adults, we understand the futility for her to close the gate after she already escaped but she didn’t recognize that.

Sometimes, children understand there’s a reason for something, but other times, they simply recognize a behavioral pattern. In practice, this could mean a child shuts the bathroom door because they realize using the facilities is a private matter (understands reason) or simply because they know the door is meant to be shut (learned behavior).

As children develop, they become aware of new things, and that order may not make sense to us, yet it’s still part of normal development. I remember the child who insisted he needed to wear his towel after the bath but completely neglected to cover his personal area with it. He had matured enough to realize that we wear towels after a bath, but he hadn’t yet caught on to what actually needed to be covered.

I write the following advice with a dose of caution because well-meaning parents can easily – to the detriment of their child – pressure a youngster that isn’t ready. In my humble opinion, parents who feel their child is ready and and shoes on.”

While it might seem obvious to the frum parent to use predominantly hashkafic reasoning, many little ones won’t understand the concept of modesty. Additionally, many parents may feel uncomfortable or unable to properly convey these important lessons in a positive manner. We certainly don’t want to encourage neg- child’s body. This can innocently creep in from our tone of voice and especially the words we use. “Aren’t you embarrassed to be seen like that?” “What would people think if they saw you now?” Just because something needs to be covered, doesn’t mean it’s dirty or wrong. want to encourage modest practices can either approach this from a “hashkafic ” or “practical” mindset.

As with all areas of parenting, if something seems off with your child’s behavior, please consult with the appropriate medical or mental health professional. Inappropriate awareness or shame of one’s body can be indicative of other concerns, and a professional can guide you better than any generalized article.

A hashkafic mindset would stress “a prince/princess walks around dressed and dignified” or “being tzinius means we keep the door closed when dressing,” while a practical focus would mention “the bathroom door needs to be closed” or “we can only go into the car with shorts ative feelings in our child about the pure body Hashem has given them.

Additionally, parents should carefully check their own biases before speaking to their impressionable child. It’s unfortunate how many of us think negatively about ourselves or consider our own bodies shameful or embarrassing. At no point should parents ever give over the impression there is anything wrong with their

Being aware of our bodies is both important for our health and safety. Appreciating the gift of tzinius should come with respect and love of our bodies and never with shame. With Hashem’s assistance, we can raise a generation that recognizes their body as the true gift they’ve been given.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.