JWOW

Pesach Peroration and a Postscript

by rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz

You don’t have to look up the meaning of peroration to know what topic I will discuss. I did it for you. It means the concluding part of a speech.

Together with four other panelists, I speak every month for the Chazak Line of the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation on their segment, “The Empty Nest,” which is uploaded every Rosh Chodesh. There are different takes on the monthly topic, and I am joined by two of my fellow JWOW! leaders, Miriam Liebermann of Lawrence and Miriam Hendeles of LA as well as Miryam Swerdlov of Crown Heights and Rebbetzin Ettie Neustadt, now of Lakewood.

For this year’s Nissan topic, the question was about mesorah. I was not so comfortable about talking about my own Pesach mesorah because many people don’t have their own mesorahs and mine is a particularly rich one, drawing on generations of the rebbes of Novominsk and Chernobyl. I spoke up during the planning phase. Jewish people who don’t have a clear mesorah develop their own traditions for their families when it comes to Pesach, said one. The consensus was to go ahead with the aforementioned topic.

I told the audience that I was not going to talk about the sedorim of my heritage nor about my kitchen mesorah for this chag. During Pesach and not only in speeches, I feel it’s not my role to play up my mesorahs. I feel at this point, it is my role to create an atmosphere in the home that enables mesorah to be passed down.

How do I define success? I think we’d all agree it’s the creation of a family atmosphere. It means doing our utmost to plan for dignity and calm at the seder so that the import of the night and its themes can be explicated, expounded, and expressed to young and old. It means that the family time is optimized, and wonderful memories are imprinted.

That takes a lot of self-discipline on our part as the matriarchs. The home is going to be dirty. Adult children may not help. They may want to have a vacation in our homes. Kids and adults may squabble over toys and attention, especially when they are overtired and confined.

We grandmas have to hold up. We have to keep our cool and model positivity. The memories, not to mention the atmosphere, depend on it.

In my talk, I spoke about organizing the environment as key. James Clear says that the more disciplined your environment is, the less disciplined you need to be. So I shared past and present hacks for organization and management. Ensuring that everyone has what they need – space, food, toys, and airing is vital. And knowing where things are even when a baby needs Pesach infant Tylenol and you run out of clean hand towels. This year’s plans included sending a memo to the couples before yom tov detailing some of the arrangements and new practices. One was using paper towels (the kind used in dispensers) in pretty trays for all the handwashing needs. Another item was about new places for wet towels. I did these things for myself so I’d reduce the necessary self-discipline, as well as for the guests at Hotel Horowitz.

Here is my conclusion, my peroration, for that talk given before Pesach this year.

“Pesach for mid-lifers is about creating and managing an atmosphere where mesorah can thrive. I will tell my stories to my doros another time. Not when I am managing a shul, a mikvah, and families under my roof in a home with four levels. Maybe I will record or write a Bobby’s Haggadah one day. Meanwhile, just call me the facilities manager.”

I am still in Pesach mode as I write this three days after Pesach. All my tablecloths are not put away. All the bed linen hasn’t yet been laundered. We haven’t yet restocked the chametz. My Pesach notes are recorded, however. I wrote about what worked and what didn’t and what were the highlights and the opposite as I do after each major chag.

The written postscript is very telling. The innovations worked well. The innovations of other years are becoming a tradition (coming with bathed kids, taking responsibility for bringing menu items, grandchildren coming to help in the leadup to yom tov, new award-winning games coming out after naps on the first day, etc.). There were some things that were forgotten by moi but they were not even commented on by my most discerning progeny.

My role as a facilities manager is one I claim in my roles at 200 Broadway. But why, after saying to colleagues and friends this year, “read my lips, no new projects after Pesach,” do I find my spring calendar featuring three events that I will host?

My grandchildren’s joint afikomen request the first night was for a grandchildren’s Shabbaton with Zaide and Bobby. They want to come without parents and babies for a Shabbos “for the kids by the kids” and have already checked calendars and developed teams for program planning. That’s one.

Two is the result of a request of a teenaged granddaughter to host a camp reunion Shabbos for her bunk in my home. The young lady is super helpful and was very strategic in making her request as we relaxed on the couch Acharon shel Pesach when there was no one else present. Could I say no?

I am responsible for the third. It was my idea as I slogged through the post-Pesach cleanup on Isru Chag. We can all use a getaway after yom tov, and Mothers Day was coming up in two weeks. My thoughts turned to my mother, a”h, who always celebrated the day with gusto. She would call her mother, her daughters, her sisters, and friends to wish them happy Mothers Day and congratulate them on their wonderful fulfillment of their roles. My thoughts turned to her yahrzeit on Gimmel Tammuz, which falls out at a time when family members are going away or sending kids away or busy with weddings. The upshot: I am hosting a Mothers Day retreat in her memory for her closest female relatives in my home from Motzai Shabbos through Monday morning that will include a midday brunch and program celebrating her life.

Do I have no self-discipline? Am I nuts? I should be going to Florida for vacation now!

Or am I the victim of my own success at creating an environment where mesorah can thrive?

I think the answer is all three. I’m a mid-lifer and I claim the right to be honest with myself.

I better go and organize the house and stop pontificating about the Pesach postscript. This Bobby better stop her narrative. Her Haggadah is a future project for her dotage.

First, another postscript. You can listen to the current and past “How to Survive and Thrive in the Empty Nest” segments on the Chazak Line by month and by panelist. Call 845.356.6665, choose menu 3, and then option 6.