Teen Talk

Dear Teen Talk,

Teen Talk, a new column in TJH, is geared We always had a home computer for my family to use. A few months ago, my parents bought an iPad for us, as a supplement, since the home computer is often taken up by me or my siblings for school assignments, email correspondence, or the internet. We have a filter towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for. on the computer and designated timeframes, as well, so that we don’t abuse our time on it. My parents are reasonable and very strict at the same time about our computer usage. Our iPad has the same restrictions, except for one difference: Instagram.

At first, I glanced at it for a few seconds. Now, I’m enthralled with it. I could look at Instagram for my whole designated timeframe. Looking at pictures and watching videos of other people’s lives is very alluring for me. Seeing where they spend their family vacations or the clothing or jewelry they purchase gives me some sort of high. Recognizing who they pose with in the pictures keeps me very engaged. I just want to see more, more, and more. I actually prefer perusing Instagram over surfing the internet! The problem is that I realize I get moody after I go off. I also notice that I get jealous of the people that post their goods and experiences.

Recently, on Chol Hamoed Pesach, I came to the realization that it’s truly problematic for me. I had a beautiful first days. We hosted my cousins from out of town for yom tov. We also had other guests join us for the sedarim. On the first day of chol hamoed, my family went bowling and had so much fun just being together. That night, I went on Instagram and saw firsthand all the amazing activities people were doing during their vacations. Their experiences looked so much better than mine. I am embarrassed to say this, but I became crabby to my cousins. I resented that we were so busy hosting and feeding them. I secretly wished I could have done something more dynamic than helping my parents cook and clean and giving up my bed.

I know the only way to deal with this problem is to stop or even delete Instagram. I just can’t. I’m addicted. Is there something else I can do to combat this problem?

I would appreciate an honest and timely response.

Thank you,

Miri

Dear Miri,

Not many teens would admit, let alone recognize that this is a problem. Unfortunately, what you are facing is a sign of our times. Adolescents and adults, alike, struggle with this issue.

In January 1986, I traveled to California with my family for a week. We were so excited to experience the recording of a TV show as part of the studio audience. The experience for me was very different than had I watched it on a television. There were many tapings to sit through till the performance was deemed perfect. The studio was dark and dingy surrounded by pipes and wires, while the stage was much smaller than I imagined it to be. Furthermore, once I sat through the filming, I wasn’t even interested in watching it a few months later, as it was a most tedious event for me to go through. This is a “mashal” to what Instagram really is. What you see on the screen is very different to what is truly happening. You have no idea what is going on “behind the scenes.” They’re only posting the glamourous segments of their lives, not the difficult parts. In this day and age, anyone can “doctor-up” any photo or video to the point of making something ugly into

a beautiful site. When you see the picture of the ideal family on the perfect vacation, it’s so easy to believe that it is EXACTLY as you see it. Just remember, you didn’t see the events (i.e. family tension, money disputes, emotional breakdowns, etc.) that ensued moments before and after that photo was taken.

There is an old saying, “There’s more than meets the eye” and that cannot be truer than with Instagram.

We start every morning with the tefillah of “Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov (how goodly are your tents),” where we proclaim to Hashem the essence of Klal Yisroel which is tzinius – dignity. When the Jews lived in the Midbar, the doors and windows of the tents purposely did not directly face the neighboring tents. It was set up this way to preserve their privacy. Why should I look at what is going on by my neighbors? Do I need to know their business? Would I feel good about them knowing what is going on in my home?

This tefillah also teaches us the importance of not flaunting what we have or acquire. If someone has a large, sparkling diamond, it would make the most sense to keep it under the radar. In Gemara Baba Metziah, Rabbi Yitzchak says, “Ain ha’bracha metzuyah elah b’davar hasamui min ha’ayin (blessing

is found only in a matter concealed from the eye).” Amazing experiences, such as vacations or parties, should be cherished and not publicized for all to see. Material possessions should definitely be utilized and enjoyed and not advertised. This saying proves that sensitivity towards others’ feelings is supreme, and one who keeps quiet about his accomplishments or riches will be the recipient of tremendous bracha.

I was fortunate to attend Camp Bnos for a few summers during my teenage years. They were known for their outstanding cantata performances. Every “Three Weeks” cantata started off with a person declaring in a most haunting voice, the famous saying, “Those who say don’t know, and those who know don’t say.” I remember seeing my dear father, Harav Yonasan Binyamin Halevi Jungreis, zt”l, waiting enthusiastically by the door for my arrival home from camp, escorting me into the kitchen, and asking me with great interest to share with him the lessons I learned over my summer vacation. I repeated that verse over to him, and we discussed the powerful message it carries. Until he was niftar, two years ago, he would often remind me of that saying and emphasize its chochmah.

“Chayala,” he would say, “We have to always remember and keep true to that mehalech (way of life). That’s the yesod (foundation) of Am Yisrael.”

My beloved mother, Rebbetzin Goldie Jungreis, often tells me, “Less is more.” The less we expose our lives to others, the more kavod (respect) we receive from others. She

models this ideal, and I can personally attest to its truth.

You prefer going on Instagram rather than the internet because it’s exciting for you to see what your peers are experiencing. The fact that people you follow are familiar to you makes it seem all the more possible that their ventures and belongings are easily attainable. After all, if they have the designer clothes and thrilling adventures, you should, too. Actual famous people, such as celebrities or newsworthy individuals, are far removed. Because of our adherence to the Torah, we do not envy, nor attempt to emulate, them. Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

Perusing Instagram is a choice only you can make but knowing the pitfalls and falsehoods it conveys may make you less likely to be fascinated by it.

I must point out that there are beautiful shiurim and meaningful stories that are posted on Instagram. I also recognize the need of certain professions and businesses who advertise on this medium to ensure parnassah.

Perusing Instagram is a choice only you can make but knowing the pitfalls and falsehoods it conveys may make you less likely to be fascinated by it. Understanding that bracha comes by way of keeping our possessions hidden and not showing them off will surely prevent you from being overtaken by Instagram. Together with your determination to do what is right and your now TRUTHFUL perception of what is advertised, may Hashem help guide you to the clearest path to shleimus (completion).

Every year, at the seder, we declare, “Kol dichfin yaisai v’yaichol, Kol ditzrich yaisai v’yifsach (All who are hungry, let them come and eat. All who are needy, let them come and celebrate Pesach with us).” You and your family are modeling the treasured lessons of the Haggadah. The core of true simchas Yom Tov is providing for, sheltering, and feeding others. You are fortunate that you are able to host family and others that are in need, in your own home. Giving to others, so they can enjoy, is the highest form of simcha and enriches one’s character.

We continue the seder by saying, “Hashata hacha, l’shana habaah b’arah d’yisrael.

Hashata avdei l’shana habaah bnei chorin

(Now we are here; next year may we be in the Land of Israel. Now we are slaves; next year, may we be free).” In the zechus of you and your family fulfilling the mitzvah of hosting in your home, may you greet Moshiach and experience the ultimate fulfillment of being in Eretz Yisrael bimheira v’yamenu Amen.