Teen Talk

By Mrs. C. Isbee

Dear Teen Talk, Teen Talk,

I am a senior in a Bais Yaakov high school. I am popular, active in all kinds of school activities, and take learning seriously. Now that it is the middle-end of the school year, you would think I’m happy to be finishing twelfth grade and excited to be starting a whole new venture. Actually, I’m really upset and currently questioning whether I am doing the right thing or not regarding post-high school plans.

I love my parents. They are sincere and good hard-working people. I know it’s di cult for them to make ends meet. They don’t complain about it, but I am aware that they struggle to pay tuition for my siblings and me. Doctors’ bills, insurance, mortgage, food, and other needs all cost, and I can tell that it’s di cult for them to cover everything.

I would love to go to Israel and learn in seminary there, however, I made the decision not to apply. It is so expensive, and I could not dream of putting such a burden on my parents. This topic was discussed often in my home. My parents are of the opinion that one can get a quality seminary education here. By the time I started my senior year, I completely accepted the fact that seminary in Eretz Yisroel was not in the cards for me. Since it was already explored between me and my parents, I knew that it would be disrespectful of me to try to change their minds. Therefore, when my fellow students were sending out applications, I did not broach the topic any further with my parents. It was very hard at first, but I worked on my emunah and told myself I would experience a year of learning and growth by attending a local seminary. B”H, I was given a great “senior” job (head of production), and when the girls were applying to seminary earlier in the year, that was a good distraction and my “outlet.”

Now that my friends have gotten their responses (and production is over), the whole topic has become real. My friends will all be leaving to study in Israel for the year. I am not worried that I will be dysfunctional without them, as I have a lot of self-confidence, and I make new friends easily.

I am worried that I will be judged (wrongly) by them and by my teachers for making this decision. Moreover, I am starting to question whether I did the right thing. Maybe I should have told my parents that I want to go! Perhaps, they could have borrowed money to fund the tuition from extended family.

What really triggered my frustration with my decision are the following happenings:

I was sitting with my friends during break, when one of them asked me where I was going next year. I softly answered, “I’m going to seminary here.” The reason I answered softly is because there is so much hype about continu-

Teen Talk, a new column in TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

ing education in Israel, and little to no emphasis on pursuing seminary education here, that I became embarrassed to tell them I would be staying next year. Once I said that, one of my friends exclaimed, “You are not going to Eretz Yisroel? Why???” Another friend answered for me saying, “Just because we’re all going doesn’t mean Atara has to go.” That made me feel a little better until she continued… “Not everyone has a need to continue their learning in higher institutions. Some girls are OK with not going to Israel and getting a simpler edu-

cation here. A lot of girls are happy to be done with high school and don’t want to work hard anymore.” AS IF THIS WAS THE REASON I DID NOT PLAN ON GOING TO ISRAEL. I sat there speechless. I was totally misunderstood and misrepresented. I did not know what to say. I also felt uncomfortable disclosing the reason I wasn’t going. I believed they would not understand the sensitivity and sincerity of my decision.

The next day, as I was sitting around during a free period in the student lounge, I overheard other twelfth graders talking about the importance of going to Eretz Yisroel to learn post-high school because of the spiritual growth that takes place there. They all were very outspoken about the fact that this spiritual growth is best achieved by learning only in Israel. A tenth grader countered them and said that she feels people can grow in madreigah wherever they are. The

group of twelfth graders, who are considered really good girls, told her, “You don’t understand. You have this opportunity. You take it. If you don’t, there’s no way you can develop and grow in America, the same way you can grow and develop in Israel. I feel bad for girls who decide not to go. But, I guess a year in Eretz Yisroel is not for everybody.” AS IF THIS WAS THE REASON I DID NOT PLAN ON GOING TO ISRAEL. I am so mixed up. I know Kibbud Av V’em is supreme to Hashem. I thought my decision to forego seminary in Israel was the right thing to do. I got to a point where I was very much at peace with my decision. I know my parents are proud, too. Now, though, I am truly second-guessing myself. Maybe my thinking is cloudy. Maybe going to seminary in Israel should come before Kibbud Av V’Em. I don’t know how that can be, but perhaps you can clarify. Also, since it is seen as the ultimate way to wrap up the high school years, I am scared that people will deem me inferior and it will a ect my shidduch prospects.

Can you please give me the right hadracha regarding my situation?

Sincerely,

Atara

Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

I thought my decision to forego seminary in Israel was the right thing to do.

Normally, we would shorten a letter of this length, however, because of the relevancy of the topics raised in this girl’s question, we are publishing the letter in full. Look for Mrs. Chayala Isbee’s answer to Atara in next week’s issue of TJH.

Mrs. Chayala Isbee is a long-time educator and school counselor at Bais Yaakov of Baltimore.