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The Curse of Flattery by Shmuel Reichman
Feel, Grow Think,
The Curse of Flattery, The Gift of Rebuke
By Rabbi Shmuel Reichman
The families sat down together to watch the wedding video, and although there was a note of tension in the air, both families tried to put on brave faces. Reliving the wedding of their children should have been a joyous occasion, but this one was a marred by unpleasant memories. The families both struggled financially, and they had spent months saving for the wedding. Together, they had managed to procure the sum necessary to pay for this joyous occasion, and the kallah’s mother had brought the money to the wedding to pay everyone at the end of the night. However, when the wedding was over, and she went to retrieve the envelope from her purse, the money was gone. At first, fingers were pointed, threats were declared, and emotions ran high. Eventually, though, when the money failed to show up, the families decided to put the matter on hold. They gathered together to watch the wedding video, hoping that this would ease the tensions and allow the families to once again bond over this special occasion.
Daniel, the brother of the kallah, had graciously offered to set up all the cameras to film the wedding, and he now played the video for the families. Everyone sighed as they watched the bride and groom prepare for the chuppah. The kallah was radiant, and the chosson looked confident and excited, both of them thrilled to marry the person of their dreams. The family watched the emotional chuppah unfold, then the ecstatic dancing, followed by a dinner full of bonding and joy before the next round of dancing.
It was during the second dance that it happened. The chosson was dancing with his father and fatherin-law, the kallah with her mother and mother-in-law. In the corner of the screen, Daniel walked past his mother’s purse, grasped the envelope, and quickly walked away.
The whole family was in shock when they saw the scene, as they slowly turned towards Daniel. Daniel sat there, unable to move, unable to utter a word. The blood rushed from his head, as he experienced the greatest embarrassment imaginable. His actions had been displayed on the screen for all to see, and he had set up the very equipment that recorded it. This was the ultimate rebuke.
Elul and Tochacha
Time is infused with infinite spiritual richness, and each point in time is a wave that carries with it layers of depth. The cycle of holidays is a course of spiritual progression that we can tap into as we advance towards our ultimate personal and collective destination. The cycle of Torah reading provides this same opportunity. Each parsha has unique ideas and concepts that are particularly relevant to the time of year when it is read. As we go through this cycle year after year, we propel our kabbalas ha’Torah forward one level higher every year. Every time we restart the Torah cycle, we begin the same Torah, but on a more elevated level, turning the circular Torah cycle into an elevating spiral in time.
Elul is the time of teshuva, of self-awareness and recalibration, of inspiration and will. Ki Savo is the parsha of tochacha (rebuke). The connection between teshuva and rebuke appears self-evident, but exploring these topics in depth reveals an ever richer and perhaps less obvious connection. To better understand the connection between tochacha and teshuva, we must first understand the concept of flattery.
The Gemara (Sotah 41b) declares that anyone who is a flatterer “the fetuses in the womb curse him.” This strange phraseology appears in another place as well. What is the curse of the unborn child, and how does it relate to the problems of flattery? In order to understand the curse of the fetus and its connection to flattery and Torah study, we must revisit a Gemara we have discussed several times before, which describes the initial stage of our formation (Niddah 30b).
While we are in the womb, a malach teaches us kol ha’Torah kulah, and just before we are born, this malach strikes us on the mouth, causing us to forget everything we learned. As the Vilna Gaon explains, this refers to the deepest realms of Torah, a transcendent Torah that lies far beyond this world, beyond the confines of space and time. This Torah is the very root of reality, and we were granted complete understanding of its every detail. Not only were we shown this level of Torah, but we also learned our specific share of Torah – we were shown our unique purpose in the world and how our unique role fits into the larger scheme of the human story as a whole. We were given a taste of our own perfection, of what we could, should, and hopefully will become. When the malach struck us in the womb, we didn’t lose this Torah; we only lost access to it. From this transcendent realm, we were birthed into the physical world with
the mission to actualize everything we were shown in the womb, while in our perfect, primordial state.
The Purpose of Tochacha
The purpose of rebuke is simple: Rebuke helps one fulfill his or her true purpose and actualize his or her potential in this world.
Life is difficult, mysterious, and sometimes overwhelming. There are times when we fall, when we lose our clarity and direction, when our moral and spiritual compass becomes secondary to impulse and instant gratification.
It is precisely at these points, at these times of internal struggle, that we need inspiration, guidance, and, yes, rebuke. But rebuke does not only come from direct confrontation and does not even need to come from another person. Rebuke is simply the experience one has when confronted with the truth and the subsequent realization of how one’s actions and lifestyle contradict that truth. When one is on the right path, growing every day, the truth is a guiding, shining light in the storm of darkness. When one has lost their way, the truth can hurt. That hurt, though, is the ultimate rebuke. If we have the courage to embrace that hurt, to resist the temptation to shrug it off, to use it as guidance and inspiration to grow, that experience will lead us back on track towards fulfilling our true potential. This is the importance of tochacha.
Without the realization that something has gone wrong, there is no impetus to change one’s negative trajectory, to make new decisions. Change stems from friction and discomfort, from the inability to continue living the way one has until now. Sometimes, only an unexpected and uncomfortable jolt of rebuke can stop that downwards slide and help change direction, creating a new chapter in their life. That wake-up call is the ultimate gift, the ultimate act of love.
The Tragedy of Flattery
In order to understand the spiritual harm caused by flattery, it is necessary to examine the internal experience of one who is flattered. When a person finds himself in a vulnerable position, when their hypocrisies and contradictions have been revealed, and they are seen for who they truly are and become broken and embarrassed. There are two avenues of response in such a delicate, fragile moment:
The first is to compliment and appease the person, attempting to prevent a complete breakdown. This is the aim behind flattery: to falsely praise and honor someone at the exact time when they need to feel the effects of rebuke.
The second option is to give honest feedback and rebuke, catalyzing the breakdown process.
On the surface, flattery appears to be the kinder and more sensitive approach. However, at the deeper ately, but his chance of doing teshuva and changing his ways are all but lost. The flatterer grants him moral immunity, alleviating the pain and impact of truth, effectively ensuring that this mistake will persist. This, in truth, is the ultimate act of evil.
Unborn Potential
We can now understand the curse of the unborn fetus. The fetus is shown the path of truth, given everything as a gift, and is then delivered a strike of love, charged with the mission to enter this world and fully actualize its potential. A fetus fully grasps the purpose of this life, the meaning of challenge and growth.
When a person in this world is given the chance to grow, to tran-
root and core of this circumstance, flattery is the ultimate evil and rebuke is the ultimate kindness. Let us briefly explain the meaning of this.
Growth takes place at breaking points, the point where decisions are made and will is asserted. It is precisely when one is vulnerable, when they are exposed to their internal lies and hypocrisy, that genuine and lasting change is possible. When one flatters someone at this critical point in time, they remove the impetus to change and stifle any chance of growth. “It’s OK,” “don’t worry about it,” “it happens to the best of us” cripples the impact and power of the truth.
A flatterer convinces someone who is on the wrong path that he is actually on the right path. Instead of helping him see the error in his ways, the flatterer encourages him – convincing him that he was actually correct. Now, not only is he unaware of the fact that he acted inappropriscend his limitations, to take the next step in his spiritual journey but fails to do so due to someone else’s actions, that person is cursed by the unborn fetuses. This is because a fetus represents the ultimate expression of unborn potential, someone who sees so clearly what life could and should be but is not yet given full expression into reality. The unborn fetus looks at this wasted potential, this unborn spiritual growth, and is pained by its lack of fruition.
In truth, the person himself who fails to take that next step in his spiritual growth was also once a fetus. His own fetus curses the person who prevents him from actualizing his potential. So whenever this occurs, the “concept” of the fetus and this person’s actual fetus both curse the individual responsible for squandering this spiritual potential.
There is no question that rebuke is difficult to accept. Even acknowledging our faults privately, within ourselves, without anyone else seeing who we really are, is extremely painful. Our struggles and failures make us feel weak and inadequate, undeserving of love, incapable of greatness. But the true purpose of tochacha is not to show us how low we are, but how great we can be. Knowing where we have failed gives us direction for how to improve. It also reminds us of something crucial: we are charged with the mission of becoming great – and we can achieve this. We may never achieve complete perfection, but we can become a little better every single day.
The ultimate tochacha is coming face to face with who we could be, with our fetal selves, and realizing that we did not actualize this potential. This is the objective of Elul on our road towards Rosh Hashana: to recognize that truth and then come back into the world of space, time, and choice and choose to become that person, to fully manifest our fetal potential, and fulfill the ultimate expression of teshuva. This is the story of life.
May we be inspired to confront our deficiencies, not with the shield of flattery, but with rebuke, using it to propel us towards our true destination: our higher self, our collective self, and ultimately, to Hashem.
Rabbi Shmuel Reichman is an author, educator, speaker, and coach who has lectured internationally on topics of Torah, psychology, and leadership. He is the founder and CEO of Self-Mastery Academy, the transformative online self-development course that is based on the principles of high-performance psychology and Torah. After obtaining his Bachelor’s degree from Yeshiva University, he received semicha from RIETS, a Master’s degree in Jewish Education from Azrieli, and a Master’s degree in Jewish Thought from Revel. He is currently pursuing a PhD at the University of Chicago and has also spent a year studying at Harvard as an Ivy Plus Exchange Scholar.
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