Only Forward Matters by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

Only Forward Matters

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

My oldest grandchild flew off yesterday for his year in yeshiva. My daughter posted an airport shot for the family WhatsApp. And everyone wanted to know: Did she cry?

She just wrote “LOL.”

They all agreed they would’ve, and it brought me back decades to when she left for seminary and I cried. Life was never going to be the same – no more morning coffee together, no more of those chats that are only possible between a mother and daughter.

Since I’m recuperating from COVID, my family has been entertaining me with video visits, and I’m learning about all the changes the children are making this year. Even the youngest preschooler in RBS was sniffling because she didn’t “like” her new morah – whom she hadn’t met yet – and wanted the previous one.

This and the question of tears made me think: We cry at big change moments like this to hold onto the past. We cry for it. But we can’t hold onto it. That, and we can rewrite it.

In fact, looking backward too much would destroy the excitement and joy of going forward to the new adventure that will be tomorrow.

What a silly idea to want to hold onto what can never be again.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always cried at those moments. I was always wishing to hold onto the preciousness of memories in real time. But as I studied my grandson’s airport shot,

I realized how wrong that was then and is certainly wrong today.

People must grow; they must “become” whatever it was that they were supposed to become. It’s powerful and beautiful – even if it doesn’t appear that way.

Before I got COVID, I had all sorts of plans for August. My friend and I were going to take a vacation – first in quite a while. Meaning, where you sit and do nothing, maybe hike up a pretty trail. That’s the kind of vacation I am not too familiar with but I was all for it. Then this. Questioning why is also foolish because there’s no point to asking questions that have no answers.

But once again, I got a message that life is important and the newness in front of me is more important than holding onto what’s gone, this time in the form of a sickness that has seen people die. And all I can do is be thankful that I am still here, so there must be a reason for it. I guess that’s why I sat down to type. For you. That’s why when couples come to me for help with their marriage and they say, “We grew apart,” the correct response is, “Of course! What else would you expect?!”

This doesn’t mean the marriage is over. It means you were busy growing – good for you! – and now you can learn how to reach back over to each other and share where you’ve been and what you’re trying to do next. This makes life more exciting, not less so. (And if, instead of growing, someone was trying to avoid life, well, that’s the mistake I’ve written so much about here, isn’t it?)

Is any of that easy? Of course not. Not any easier than it is for my three-and-a-half-year-old granddaughter struggling with the idea of a new morah when she only knew the previous one. Or my 18-year-old grandson taking on a new yeshiva in a city he’s only remotely heard of (and I haven’t even been to.) But that’s the good part.

Embrace it.

In fact, looking backward too much would destroy the excitement and joy of going forward to the new adventure that will be tomorrow.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.