Parenting Pearls

Winning Wars

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

It wasn’t until a certain point in life that I developed a certain maturity and began to understand the phrases “pick your battles” and “win the battle but lose the war.” Eventually, I began to find that those two phrases can guide a lot of interpersonal relationships. It’s important to not take the phrase too far and think you’re in conflict with everyone, but the idea that not everything needs to be a fight is important. I found this to be especially the case with parenting.

Analyzing the Phrases

I won’t say these phrases have the status of Torah m’Sinai so we won’t need Rashi and Tosfos understand them, but we can still use any wisdom they may contain. I’d say the phrase “pick your battles” has two components to it.

It’s important to pick your battles, and this is the first component. You also need tremendous self-control to ignore the battles not worth fighting, and this is the second component. Knowing what to stress and what to drop, and then following through is key and are two steps of the process.

Pick wisely. If you fight everything, then you are focusing on nothing. Pick what’s most important or relevant to your child at this time. You also may choose what’s most realistic for them to do. As an example, not hitting a sibling is more important to focus on than talking about not yelling at a sibling. Expecting a teen to refrain from cursing or talking back to a parent may be more realistic than expecting them to refrain from yelling at the air. Please note I am not insinuating that any teenager would ever curse or talk back to their parents, chas v’shalom.

Think carefully before picking your priorities. You want this to be something that will improve their chinuch and personal middos. Non-prioritized items can either be dropped or dealt with in a more minor fashion, depending on the behaviors in question and your child’s needs. Using the example above, you may give a consequence for hitting but not for yelling at a sibling. You then have the option of gently reminding your child at a later point that yelling is wrong or leave it alone, depending on the situation.

Know that taking a step back and allowing time to focus on what is important (while ignoring the rest) can also be a way to assist your child in their chinuch. We know that, come Rosh Hashana, when we make grand plans, we are left with nothing after a few days, but, if we make a sincere effort to make a small change, we have a good chance of keeping it. I like to think of dropping the minor stuff your child does similarly.

You may think your child is getting away with things if you don’t punish them for every little error but recognize that after a certain point, punishments become meaningless and your child may tune you out. Do feel free to have this discussion with your child, especially a teenager, and explain to them what you are doing. Your child may even have some insights to share with you or be more motivated to work towards goals that are particularly meaningful to them.

Focus on what’s important and ignore the rest. Don’t sweat the minor stuff. In this summer’s heat, we’re all sweating enough; no reason to add to it. Once you know what you’re focusing on, it takes a lot of parental self-control to refrain from harping on things. Some parents may even find learning to hold themself back from criticizing or commenting is one of the things they are taking on this Rosh Hashana.

Losing to Win

Let’s focus on the concept that you can win a battle but still lose the war. In chess, a player may sacrifice a piece, even an important piece, if they know it will put them in a better position. I also realized this lesson at some point in marriage. I could fight whatever was bothering me then and win the fight, but my shalom bayis would suffer. I also could drop the current issue but have a stronger marriage. Using self-control, I even had the option of bringing my concerns up later in a calmer fashion when it wouldn’t be a battle and I’d still win the war, i.e., have stronger shalom bayis.

George Washington is well-known for leading unsophisticated troops to victory over a well-equipped and trained army. What few realize is that one of his main techniques to win was to actually retreat and run away from battle. He successfully used this method to lose many battles but win a big war. I recall hearing that he was even mocked for the sheer number of battles he lost. I think it’s clear who

was laughing in the end.

It should be noted that I often find dealing with matters at a later time is often better than mentioning it during a time of anger. As mentioned above, you may choose to pick your battles and only focus on major items when they occur. Another successful strategy is to postpone dealing with the issue until your child is better able to listen. Hurt and irate kids are less likely to listen than a calmer, more thoughtful child you’ll encounter later in the day. You will successfully lose the immediate “battle” but win the long-term war.

An Unpleasant Environment

Besides being smart and effective, there are many reasons to not fight everything. Arguing over every possible infraction creates an incredibly unpleasant environment for everyone. It’s unfair to your child to have them in a home where everything they do is over-analyzed and criticized. You wouldn’t want to live in a home where everything you do is mentioned and critiqued and neither does your child.

It’s also important to bear in mind a crucial point: just because you know they did something wrong doesn’t

It’s hard to educate children to recognize their behavior is wrong while learning to control themselves from reacting but this is our job. Keep in mind that if they feel that they get yelled at for everything then they won’t take an adult’s response as se-

riously. Additionally, if they are yelled at too many times, they may risk becoming hurt and angry themselves.

Focus on what’s important and ignore the rest.

mean they understand that they erred. You may realize that how they just spoke was disrespectful, but they may not. You know that hitting someone for touching your toy is wrong but young kids don’t see it that way; they feel their violent behavior was fully justified.

Keep Your Sanity

Parents know sanity feels like it’s in short supply – it is. If you try to control everything and nitpick everything your child does, you will be incredibly stressed. You will burn out, and you, too, will be living in an unpleasant environment. Who wants to discipline all day? Who wants to live like they need to patrol the world continuously? It can be beneficial, too, for the adults in your child’s life to not be disciplining, criticizing, or irritable all day. It’s not good for your child, and it’s not good for you.

Parenting is best done with a strategy and a plan on how to best meet your child’s chinuch needs. By thoughtfully choosing what to focus on and when to deal with each issue, we can prudently guide our children to personal growth and improvement.

Daven for guidance and shep nachas!

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.