10 minute read
Dating Dialogue, Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear
Navidaters, First, let me begin by telling you that I’m a huge fan of your column and if I am going to turn to anyone for advice, I knew it was going to be here to get it straight and real from the Navidaters Panel. So here’s my “hairy” dating dilemma. Last year, March 2020, I was sick with COVID and experienced quite a bit of hair loss. I went for months of hair loss treatments, and on the advice of my doctor recently stopped, as there was no improvement. I’m single, never married and I’m currently wearing a wig to cover the hair loss. It’s very obvious that I am wearing a wig, but I’m the type who has the confidence and does what I have to do for myself, not for others. My question to you is how do I or do I even present this to a shadchan/or future prospective match? What are your thoughts/suggestions?
Thank you in advance.
Tehilla*
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Firstly, thanks for your kind words about our column! It’s question-writers like you that keep our column going strong
I’m so sorry to hear about your hairy dilemma; allow me to iron some details out. The Tehilla you were before you got COVID is exactly the same Tehilla as after you recovered. Just as my sense of smell has not fully returned since getting COVID many months ago, your hair has thinned out (and it will eventually return). You are wearing a wig as a short-term fix to your problem. Disclosing these details to shadchanim is, in my opinion, blowing things out of proportion. The shidduch system has conditioned singles to feel they must be vulnerable with complete strangers; this is not right. Share this piece of information with the boy when you feel comfortable doing so! Most young women these days wear extensions, which is basically a minor version of a wig.
I will never forget the shidduch story a couple once told me. I had set them up on a date, and the girl’s extension got stuck in the car door as she closed it. The extension came out and the guy was horrified to see a thick chunk of hair sticking out of his Acura. They both started laughing hysterically. She spent the rest of the date trying to explain why girls wear strips of fake hair when they have perfectly good hair to begin with. He then convinced her to take all her extensions out and ascertained that he could not even see a difference. The moral of the story is: usually guys wouldn’t even notice!
You do you. Don’t curl up in a ball of worry. Tell the guy your story when you get far enough along in the relationship at a point when you would disclose anything personal.
I hope my answer helps straighten things out, and if not, I’m sure the other panelists will get to the root of the matter. Hatzlacha!
The Newlywed
Back This Week: Rena Friedman
Tehilla, wow! COVID has been a vicious monster to us all, but it seems to have thrown you for an extra whirl. Dating is hard enough and having to deal with hair loss makes it feel even more impossible. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Your positive attitude is inspiring! It takes a very special person to have the confidence that you do.
Everyone has their things to share and their baggage to display, and it all comes down to what their monster in the closet is. I received eitza from my rav that you should share something that could be a make or break it item by approximately the sixth date or whenever you’re at a point where you both like each other and you could see it going somewhere but aren’t head over heels in love and have the ability to make a clear decision. I believe that your situation falls into the category of something to share at that point with whomever you are dating, not shadchanim. It is none of their business.
In terms of how to share it, I find that the open and honest method is always the best. Wait for the right moment on the date when you are both sitting down and have some privacy. This can be when you are in the car but not when he is driving. Tell him that you just wanted to share something with him that makes you a little vulnerable and nervous. Then tell him the story of having COVID and how you have hair loss. Only give the information he absolutely needs and nothing more. Tell him that you have consulted multiple doctors and even offer for him to speak with them if he feels he needs to. Be receptive and open to his questions, and answer them to the best of your ability.
Personally, I always felt comfortable when everything was out on the table, and I did not think I was deceiving or hiding anything from anyone. How he takes this news is also super indicative of who he is as a person and how he will be there for you in the future. Unfortunately, you are not the first person to have to share something, and you won’t be the last. At the end of the day, the right person will accept you for all that you are.
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Tehilla, I am so sorry to hear about your experience and hope you are feeling strong and well. Unfortunately, COVID had a tremendous impact on many people, which is why it is important to be sensitive around the topic. I would like to start by letting you know how impressed I am with your courage and confidence throughout this difficult time. You are an incredible person, and I believe this question strongly portrays your maturity and depth.
Because you mentioned that it is very obvious you are wearing a wig, I would explain it to shadchanim, just as you did to the panelists in your question. Although it is not an easy conversation to have, I think your best bet is to put it on the table from the start, as to not allow others to make their own assumptions. You have the power in your hands to control what information you personally provide to people and what information they need to research themselves. From my experience, I have learned that if there is something that you feel would require a more thorough explanation, you are the most qualified and informed individual to tell your own story.
You sound like an intelligent and poised individual, so the person you marry will most likely not be one-dimensional. He will appreciate your story and how it has enabled you to become the person you are today.
The experiences we go through in life shape us and our perspectives, ultimately making a powerful and influential impact. B’ezras Hashem, at the right time, Hashem will send your zivug, and he will appreciate you and your journey.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
The lingering aftereffects of COVID-19 are still poorly understood. Many recovering patients, like you, are experiencing hair loss.
“Hair” are some suggestions that you might find helpful.
First, do your homework and find a university-based dermatologist, who has experience with this relatively new phenomenon. The doctor that I found didn’t want his
name published, but he and his research colleagues believe that: *The physical and emotional stress that accompanies a case of COVID-19 can lead to a reversible hair loss condition called telogen effluvium. *This hair loss is temporary, but it may take 6 months to a year for the hair to regrow. *Meanwhile, managing stress, having a healthy, nutritious diet, and not smoking might be helpful.
Second, my wife, daughters, and granddaughters often tease me, because I usually cannot tell if a woman is wearing a wig.
Today, wigs are so glamorous and so natural-looking that most men are absolutely clueless when it comes to discerning if a woman’s beautiful head of hair is her own.
The most gorgeous actresses and models often perform and pose while wearing wigs, because their wigs are far prettier than their own, natural hair.
Third, I do understand that women take great pride in having beautiful, attractive hair and spend a lot of time and effort on it. I do understand that it is an extremely sensitive and emotional issue.
But, when it comes to what physical attributes make a woman attractive to a man, hair is not as important as one might think. A recent scientific study ranked, in order of importance, what men are most attracted to, physically, in a woman: *Smile *Eyes *Figure *Hair
Note that “hair” was in fourth place.
I do not see any reason for you to publicize your temporary condition.
To summarize, remember that your hair loss is distressing, but only temporary; that most of the men you date won’t even notice that you’re wearing a wig; and that investing in an expensive wig may make you
even more glamorous than before.
Don’t let hair loss cause you to lose your self-confidence or feelings of self-worth.
Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Dear Tehilla,
Thank you for writing into our column and for your kind feedback about our column. You put a huge smile on my face. Thank you!
Firstly, I can feel your fabulous energy through the screen. I love that you are wearing a wig for yourself, and you make personal decisions that will benefit you without the hassle of worrying about what others might be thinking.
Secondly, I am so sorry that you had COVID and that you are dealing with hair loss. Losing one’s hair can be an emotional and traumatic journey. Though I am not a doctor, I do know that hair loss can be triggered by stress or illness. I am sure you are no stranger to the term “tellogen effluvium” by now. It can take a few months for the hair follicle to “wake up.” Many people lose hope that will hair will never grow back, and then one day, out of left field, they begin to notice tiny, little hairs growing. The body has a natural way of healing itself, and I do deeply hope that this is the case for you. If you are open to it, you may want to consider seeing a holistic practitioner who takes a total body approach. Tehilla, I don’t think this is something that is a shadchan’s business. I am fed this idea that we must be “perfect” in order to date. This means: -No medical issues -No mental health issues -No quirks -Not too loud -Not too quiet -Not too funny -Not too polite -Not too charming -No odd family members -No past -No rough patches in life -No financial struggles -No student loans -No, no, no, no, and more no!
Is there anyone left? Is anyone even dating? LOL!
You have nothing to hide, but this is truly none of anyone’s business! G-d willing, when you feel a true connection with someone, at a certain point you will disclose your hair loss. But NOT as a test to see if he will still like you...rather, as a test to see his reaction to your hair loss. If he is judgmental or unsupportive, send him packing! If he is kind, sensitive and shows concern for you, he may just be a keeper!
All the best, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
