Engaging Y our Children in the Pesach Seder

Engaging Your Children in the Pesach Seder

Can This Year Be Different?

By Dr. Jeffrey Lichtman

As parents and grandpar - ents, we all look forward to the Seder each year and anticipate the opportunity to transmit our mesorah and essential Jewish values to our children and grandchildren, along with memories they will cherish forever. Somehow, what we envision is usually a far cry from the reality – sullen teenagers who’ve retreated to the couch, crying toddlers, spilled grape juice, fights over who found the Afikoman, and broken matzah everywhere. As heads of households, we often find ourselves standing alone in our kittels at an empty table, perplexed at the turn of events.

There’s still time to rewrite the script for this year. As with anything else that’s worthwhile in life, a little planning and preparation will go a long way. There is no right way to engage children at the Seder. What’s important is to adapt each Seder to meet the needs of the particular children who will be in attendance. The goal of transmitting heritage and history to children is lofty and large. The way to do it is to make them feel connected and positive. If they have a good experience at their own Seder, they’ll feel connected to their families and be able to listen to the loftier messages and ultimately, feel connected to Klal Yisrael.

The story of the Jews in Egypt took place thousands of years ago, and young children typically have no concept of time. How can you make it real for them? Unlike other holidays, there are lots of objects and symbols at the Seder, and our job is to show the children why this is different and how it relates to

them. Pick what speaks to you and, more importantly, select what you think will speak to your children.

Here are some concrete tips to arouse your children’s interest and capture their attention: 1. Dress up for the Seder. If you have very young children, wearing clothing that approximates the type of garb worn in Egypt can help set the stage. Try a kaffiyeh or robe or do some online research on the exact clothes worn in that time period. Your outfit will spark questions from the children regarding why you are dressed that way and a discussion will ensue. 2. Make the Afikoman exciting. Hiding the Afikoman is a time-honored tradition in every Jewish home, but you can kick it up a notch by creating a treasure hunt with clues along the way. The clues could be related to Pesach facts and information so they will be educational for your children. Offer rewards or treats for those who decode any of the clues. 3. Use visual aids in the form of frogs and other “makkos” toys that you find in the Judaica store or order online as you’ll need to do this year. Keep them on the table the whole time and refer to them as needed throughout the evening. Find other dramatic and unusual objects that will engage children throughout the night. 4. Involve the important people in your family’s life. Ask grandparents what their Seder was like growing up and see if they will share memories of their own parents to give your kids a sense of history. You can also ask what freedom means to them and what message they want to share with the grandchildren. This year, when so many

grandparents will not be present at the Seder, consider calling or Zooming with them in advance to record their answers and then share them for discussion at the Seder. Or have the children ask their own questions of grandparents on the Zoom call. 5. Involve your key audience. Ask children in advance what they would like to see at the Seder, what would make the evening special for them. Ask if there are specific topics they want to discuss, portions of the haggadah they would like to focus on or games they would like to play. 6. Ignite creativity. Offer opportunities for participation beyond the intellectual. Not every child is academically gifted, but every child has a unique talent that he or she can bring to the table. Ask children to prepare something for the Seder and let them know it could be a song that reflects freedom, a painting they drew about Yetziyat Mitzrayim, a dance or even a Lego creation that expresses the theme of Pesach. 7. Let older children lead. They can work with younger children to produce a skit or song that will be unveiled at the Seder. There is a great opportunity to foster creativity and let our children express talents they don’t always have a chance to use in school. 8. Consider doing a mini pre-Seder for the youngest children who can’t stay up all night but who will want to share what they learned in preschool and say the Mah Nishtana. 9. Ask children in advance what the concept of freedom means to them and have them write their thoughts down and bring to the Seder. Ask them to relate it to their personal life and to the mission of the Jewish people in the world. You can go around the table at the Seder and discuss everyone’s insights. 10. Be strategic about where you seat people at the Seder. Seat adults next to the children they have

a relationship with and let them know in advance that it is their role to encourage the child to ask questions. Adults should be tuned in to the children seated next to them, notice when they seem ready to speak, and encourage them to share their thoughts with the whole family.

You can take any or all of the above tips and incorporate into your Seder, but the most important advice is to do what you think will be fun and what will make for warm and positive memories for your family. Remember that attention span often aligns with chronological age, so a five-year-old has a five-minute attention span and so on. During the limited time that our children are focused on the Seder proceedings, our job is to fan the flames of their curiosity and not to extinguish it.

A final thought about the Seder that I wanted to share relates to the four sons mentioned in the haggadah. Chazal understood, long before modern psychology, that children come in varying types, personalities, and abilities, and yet, they must all have a seat at the table. We have an obligation to respond to each of them with customized answers that speak to them individually, not with pat responses. As parents, we must reach out to them to come to the Seder and show them we are prepared to answer their questions, regardless of their talents. Some are geniuses, some are physically, intellectually, or emotionally disabled and some can’t read, but they should all be welcome. Each one has a place at the Seder and a way he or she can contribute to the family and to Klal Yisrael.

Here’s to your meaningful, fun, and engaging Seder!

Dr. Jeffrey Lichtman is a psychologist and chair of the Jewish Childhood Education and Special Education programs at the Touro College Graduate School of Education.